A Simpleton's View on Saving the World

I notice how in politics everyone is always fighting over stuff. And I also notice how the rest of us are still super sad or angry or depressed about things. So they need to quit fighting and make it so everyone is happy.

Like some people, they don’t have enough money or food. It’s a real bummer. So why not agree on something that makes it so they have money and food? For example, I was watching this show about a place. I don’t remember what channel it was on or where they were at, but that’s not important. What’s important is their city was real gross and the people didn’t have nothing. So why not make it so they do?

That show had me so sad that I turned the channel to this show where everybody has stuff. I think it’s called Frazier. Anyway, on Frazier they were depressed some, but it all seemed to work itself out in 30 minutes or so, and nobody was ever really in trouble. Why not use politics so everybody has it nice like on that Frazier show, but maybe without all the big words, and there you go, problem solved!

I hope you can follow this, because I have some big thoughts about death, and it’s pretty heavy.

Like I’ve lost all these people I really like, and some of the people left that I really like…you know…they’re getting old. My big plan is to make it so nobody dies, but how about while we’re working on that, if people must die, maybe make it so just the ***holes die.

You ever notice how it’s always the ***holes that live forever? Now what kind of plan is that? It hardly makes it worthwhile to bother being nice with all these happy ***holes floating around.

Anyway, once we make it so nobody dies any more, we’re going to have real too many people problems. Bet you didn’t think of that, but like I said, I’ve really thought this through. I was watching this show, I think it was a documentary, and there was this guy with a black mask who made this big, floaty space ball.

In the documentary he had made it to blow up the world, so the army destroyed it. I was thinking once things got cramped, make those for everybody, but without death lasers on them. I saw this commercial for a show about a place where they populate other planets, but it was just a movie. But you never know, maybe there are places like that. It’s like what they say, “When in Rome…”

It makes me so sad when I lose people I like, and in truth, it even bums me out sometimes when we lose the occasional ***hole, and I don’t want to ever go through that again. Like I said, I really got this thing lined out in my head, so let’s do it. And there you go, problem solved!

As I see it, we’ve always had crime for two reasons: The bad guys that do bad stuff like rob homes and shoot people, and the bad guys who insist on making laws we don’t need.

I’ll start with laws we don’t need. In lots of places you’re breaking the law if you’re gay. Now don’t get me wrong, it isn’t my bag, but come on, “When in Rome.” And it’s like if dudes like each other, all these people are like, “Don’t do that!” Well, what business is it of yours.

Listen here fellas in the audience, there are whole channels devoted to women loving-up one another, and I don’t hear you complaining about that. I’m forever watching shows like that, and you don’t hear me complaining. No, because everyone likes those shows…well, there’s this one channel on the cross network where they don’t like those shows, but they don’t like anything. Come to think of it, my wife really isn’t too fond of me watching those shows either.

Anyway, I’ve got off the path. It’s like all the protesters say with their fancy signs and bumper stickers, if it ain’t hurting anybody, “Legalize it!”

Now to the people who rob and kill side of it. Just stop it, already. The answer is simple. Just stop. If I had a penny for everybody I wanted to rob and/or kill, I would have been on the front of that magazine what has the rich people on it…you know the one…a very long time ago.

But my Momma taught me a long time ago that when you rob and kill people that just opens the door for them to rob and kill the people you care about. Mommas, teach your kids right. And there you go, problem solved!

Believe it or not, I haven’t always been as kind to the environment as I probably should be. Everyday I’d come home with a 30 pack of beer and just drink every dang one of them. Yes, I did my duty and recycled like Daddy showed me to, but it was like some weird force with me. I just couldn’t stop drinking them.

Eventually my wife got concerned. It’s like, I was using up all these cans, and even if you recycle, a lot of energy was being wasted to make them cans again. So one day I get home from work and my wife is there with all my friends and family. They’re all crying and reading notes to me. I just felt awful about it.

It was then and there I vowed to myself, Less waste! My wife had me go to this group that was supposed to help. I don’t remember what it was called, but it had A’s in the name. I might be wrong, but I think they’re the same people who come and fix your car if it breaks down.

Really nice folks, but I still was wanting to drink my 30 cans of beer every evening something awful, and they didn’t seem to help. They just told all these real sad stories a lot, and as nice as they were, I just don’t like being sad all the time.

Anyway, I finally figured out what to do. Turns out I could get a single bottle of hard liquor every night, and it made me feel good just like the 30 beers. Where I was using up all these cans, now I’m using a single recyclable bottle, and I’ll be darned if it doesn’t hurt my own wallet less, too!

You know, we all got to do our part. Whatever it is you’re wasteful with, just think, and I’m sure you’ll find a way. We’re all in Rome together on this one. Yeah, we’ll all probably live in laserless space balls one of these day, but it still doesn’t make sense to muck up or waste things, so quit it! Mommas, teach’em right, and there you go, problem solved!

There might be more problems in the world than I talked about, but I can’t think of any. So let’s get the ball rolling on this stuff. Somebody once told me, “If you can dream it, you can make it happen.” I thought it was nonsense at first.

A couple of nights later I dreamt I had fish for hands. It was just awful! Nobody wants fish for hands…I’m sorry, I’ve got off the path again. Nowadays I believe you can make dreams come true. I don’t remember how I came to this. It certainly wasn’t that terrible fish hands dream, I tell you. But I do, I believe it--I surely do.