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A Simpleton's View on Saving the World

Updated on June 28, 2015
Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin is among the millions of hardworking denizens of the world disillusioned by the abuses of the ultra-wealthy.

Source

Always good for a chuckle

Politics:

I notice how in politics everyone is always fighting over stuff. And I also notice how the rest of us are still super sad or angry or depressed about things. So they need to quit fighting and make it so everyone is happy.

Like some people, they don’t have enough money or food. It’s a real bummer. So why not agree on something that makes it so they have money and food? For example, I was watching this show about a place. I don’t remember what channel it was on or where they were at, but that’s not important. What’s important is their city was real gross and the people didn’t have nothing. So why not make it so they do?

That show had me so sad that I turned the channel to this show where everybody has stuff. I think it’s called Frazier. Anyway, on Frazier they were depressed some, but it all seemed to work itself out in 30 minutes or so, and nobody was ever really in trouble. Why not use politics so everybody has it nice like on that Frazier show, but maybe without all the big words, and there you go, problem solved!

Source

Death:

I hope you can follow this, because I have some big thoughts about death, and it’s pretty heavy.

Like I’ve lost all these people I really like, and some of the people left that I really like…you know…they’re getting old. My big plan is to make it so nobody dies, but how about while we’re working on that, if people must die, maybe make it so just the ***holes die.

You ever notice how it’s always the ***holes that live forever? Now what kind of plan is that? It hardly makes it worthwhile to bother being nice with all these happy ***holes floating around.

Anyway, once we make it so nobody dies any more, we’re going to have real too many people problems. Bet you didn’t think of that, but like I said, I’ve really thought this through. I was watching this show, I think it was a documentary, and there was this guy with a black mask who made this big, floaty space ball.

In the documentary he had made it to blow up the world, so the army destroyed it. I was thinking once things got cramped, make those for everybody, but without death lasers on them. I saw this commercial for a show about a place where they populate other planets, but it was just a movie. But you never know, maybe there are places like that. It’s like what they say, “When in Rome…”

It makes me so sad when I lose people I like, and in truth, it even bums me out sometimes when we lose the occasional ***hole, and I don’t want to ever go through that again. Like I said, I really got this thing lined out in my head, so let’s do it. And there you go, problem solved!

Source

Crime:

As I see it, we’ve always had crime for two reasons: The bad guys that do bad stuff like rob homes and shoot people, and the bad guys who insist on making laws we don’t need.

I’ll start with laws we don’t need. In lots of places you’re breaking the law if you’re gay. Now don’t get me wrong, it isn’t my bag, but come on, “When in Rome.” And it’s like if dudes like each other, all these people are like, “Don’t do that!” Well, what business is it of yours.

Listen here fellas in the audience, there are whole channels devoted to women loving-up one another, and I don’t hear you complaining about that. I’m forever watching shows like that, and you don’t hear me complaining. No, because everyone likes those shows…well, there’s this one channel on the cross network where they don’t like those shows, but they don’t like anything. Come to think of it, my wife really isn’t too fond of me watching those shows either.

Anyway, I’ve got off the path. It’s like all the protesters say with their fancy signs and bumper stickers, if it ain’t hurting anybody, “Legalize it!”

Now to the people who rob and kill side of it. Just stop it, already. The answer is simple. Just stop. If I had a penny for everybody I wanted to rob and/or kill, I would have been on the front of that magazine what has the rich people on it…you know the one…a very long time ago.

But my Momma taught me a long time ago that when you rob and kill people that just opens the door for them to rob and kill the people you care about. Mommas, teach your kids right. And there you go, problem solved!

Source

The Environment:

Believe it or not, I haven’t always been as kind to the environment as I probably should be. Everyday I’d come home with a 30 pack of beer and just drink every dang one of them. Yes, I did my duty and recycled like Daddy showed me to, but it was like some weird force with me. I just couldn’t stop drinking them.

Eventually my wife got concerned. It’s like, I was using up all these cans, and even if you recycle, a lot of energy was being wasted to make them cans again. So one day I get home from work and my wife is there with all my friends and family. They’re all crying and reading notes to me. I just felt awful about it.

It was then and there I vowed to myself, Less waste! My wife had me go to this group that was supposed to help. I don’t remember what it was called, but it had A’s in the name. I might be wrong, but I think they’re the same people who come and fix your car if it breaks down.

Really nice folks, but I still was wanting to drink my 30 cans of beer every evening something awful, and they didn’t seem to help. They just told all these real sad stories a lot, and as nice as they were, I just don’t like being sad all the time.

Anyway, I finally figured out what to do. Turns out I could get a single bottle of hard liquor every night, and it made me feel good just like the 30 beers. Where I was using up all these cans, now I’m using a single recyclable bottle, and I’ll be darned if it doesn’t hurt my own wallet less, too!

You know, we all got to do our part. Whatever it is you’re wasteful with, just think, and I’m sure you’ll find a way. We’re all in Rome together on this one. Yeah, we’ll all probably live in laserless space balls one of these day, but it still doesn’t make sense to muck up or waste things, so quit it! Mommas, teach’em right, and there you go, problem solved!

Opinion

What do you think of the narrator's ideas?

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The End Part, What’s it called?

There might be more problems in the world than I talked about, but I can’t think of any. So let’s get the ball rolling on this stuff. Somebody once told me, “If you can dream it, you can make it happen.” I thought it was nonsense at first.

A couple of nights later I dreamt I had fish for hands. It was just awful! Nobody wants fish for hands…I’m sorry, I’ve got off the path again. Nowadays I believe you can make dreams come true. I don’t remember how I came to this. It certainly wasn’t that terrible fish hands dream, I tell you. But I do, I believe it--I surely do.

Summary of Ideas

Category
Problem
Solution(s)
Politics
Nothing gets done; people are sad
Fix everything like at the end of a sitcom
Death
People die too much
Make it so people don't die; give people habitats in outerspace
Crime
Bad people
Illiminate uneccesary laws; Quit doing bad things
Environment
Waste
Find ways to be less wastful

Comments

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    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Looks like you have it all figured out!

    • Iris Draak profile image

      Cristen Iris 2 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      Larry, I like this a whole lot! It's great writing and a great voice. I read every word.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      FlourishAnyway: Thanks for dropping by.

      Thought it would be funny to oversimplify life through the persona of someone tragically misinformed. Hope it was good for a laugh.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Iris Draak: Thanks for the positive comments.

      I always worry on this humor stuff that I'll rub somebody the wrong way. I thought it was funny, but was on the fence on whether or not to publish.

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

      Very creative write here on a serious issue but presented in a lighthearted manner. Love your drawing.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Faith Reaper: I was having a bit of fun here. I know you have a similar philosophy to mine in that we can make this a kinder world, but whenever one talks about such ideas, there is a segment of the population that just rolls their eyes and scoffs like your being ridiculous and overly idealistic.

      That is why I thought for satirical purposes it would be fun to write an article where the ideas truly were ridiculous and overly idealistic.

      Hope you at least got a chuckle out of this and thanks so much for dropping by.

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 2 years ago from North Texas

      Well, this person certainly has an interesting way of looking at the world. I wonder if he's right about the **sholes? Who gets to decide who the **sholes are so we know who should be allowed to die, and die young?

      His solutions are pretty simple. The hard part is in getting everyone to agree on what to do, how to do it, who to do it for, and then in actually doing it. Maybe he'll work that out in his next dream . . .

      Very entertaining article! Sharing so that everyone will have the opportunity to enjoy it.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Au fait:

      Thanks for dropping by.

      Thought it would be fun to do a sarcastic piece that over-simplifies the world. Hope it was good for a few laughs.

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 2 years ago from North Texas

      Yes, good for a few laughs until one realizes that an abundance of people think exactly like this guy -- or worse. This is proof that people on the Jerry Springer show are real, and yes, they vote their mind. :)

      Sharing again. People need to read this. Some will get it.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 2 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Great way of presenting the otherwise controversial issues. Sometimes I think that if we can just laugh at these and not take them so seriously, maybe, the world will be much better for it.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      aesta:

      I for one think that many problems begin when we decide to take things too seriously.

      Thanks for dropping by and I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

    • bradmasterOCcal profile image

      bradmasterOCcal 2 years ago from Orange County California

      People haven't changed for the better since recorded history, and they don't look ready for a change now.

      Sorry

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 2 years ago from Houston, Texas

      I got a kick out of your humorous way to deal with problems. Wish we could all laugh and the problems of the world would disappear. Up and definitely funny votes. Will share your humor with others.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Peggy: thanks so much for the vote of confidence.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 2 years ago from Texas

      Larry! I don't want to live forever, if I could stay young it would be just great, but sadly, we all get old.

      You and Science can say all you want about ways to live longer, but the only true to live longer is: to stay alive.

      Have a Blessed day my friend

    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 2 years ago from sunny Florida

      Illustrations are the bomb....or wait, no, that is a not a good choice of words....just like'em...the illustrations that is.

      And of it were just that easy to fix our problems ... :D

      fun read...

      Angels are on the way to you this afternoon. p s

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 2 years ago from Florida

      Thanks for the chuckle today; I needed that! Very creative and funny Hub that I enjoyed very much.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shyron, Mary, Pstraubie: so nice to have you guys drop by. Obviously this was done for a laugh, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 2 years ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Larry, that was fun. I enjoyed the whole hub. Favorite lines:

      "We’re all in Rome together on this one.

      "Mommas, teach’em right, and there you go, problem solved!"

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 2 years ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Larry, that was fun. I enjoyed the whole hub. Favorite lines:

      "We’re all in Rome together on this one.

      "Mommas, teach’em right, and there you go, problem solved!"

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Cam: so glad it was good for a chuckle. Thanks so much for dropping by.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 22 months ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      I love your creative talent for letting words flow.Voted up

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 22 months ago from Oklahoma

      Nadine: thanks for the kind words.

    • CJWood71 profile image

      Christopher J Wood 20 months ago from Florida, USA

      Sure put a smile on my face. Very interesting way of looking at the world. I like your writing style and will be checking out more of your work.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 20 months ago from Oklahoma

      CJ: glad you found it amusing. Thanks for the follow.

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Zakinov 17 months ago from California

      Very imaginative and, not to mention, practical. Especially the solution to death :)

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 17 months ago from Oklahoma

      Kalinin: lol. Maybe not practical, but good for a laugh.

      Thanks so much for dropping by.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 17 months ago from San Diego California

      I appreciate your ideas on saving the country, except for the part about giving up the beer. Hard liquor is okay after 8 or 9 beers have caused it to lose its taste, but a man's got to have his beer. I really would like to have my own death star though. Here's a thought, we use all the recycled aluminum from the beer cans to build the space habitats.

      You've still got time to throw in your hat for the 2016 election. Great work!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 17 months ago from Oklahoma

      Mel: I always enjoy your humor. Thanks so much for dropping by.

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