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Actual History of #Russiagate

Updated on December 11, 2019

Donald Trump is obviously a terrible person, but #Russiagate is a stupid hoax and #Ukrainegate is plain dumb. Let's recap:

  • Senator Marco Rubio hired Fusion GPS to compile opposition research against Donald Trump during the Republican primary
  • Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took over monthly payments to Fusion GPS once she won her primary
  • Clinton had internal polling which revealed her to be most vulnerable to attacks on the Uranium One deal, which her State Department played a role in approving
  • Team Clinton wanted to muddy the waters on the topic of Russia, so they began pushing Trump/Russia
  • Fusion GPS hired former British spy Christopher Steele, who had sources in Russia, to dig up dirt on Trump
  • Steele's shoddy research produced a nonsense fable about Trump and a pee-pee tape with hookers
  • Team Clinton floated the story with their media acolytes and David Corn first reported on rumors of Russia supposedly possessing Trump kompromat
  • Hillary used the reports her own team planted with friendly media acolytes to suggest that Trump was a "Putin puppet"
  • Since Trump had correctly noted that the government lied about Iraq, the Deep State regarded him as an unfit steward of the Empire
  • The FBI used the partisan media reports about the fake Steele Dossier as the sole evidence for a FISA warrant to spy on Carter Page (who had worked as an energy consultant in Russia before joining the Trump campaign)
  • Given the two-hops policy, the Page warrant meant that the entire Trump campaign was under surveillance, and Trump amusingly claimed that he was being "wire-tapped" by Obama
  • Obama wanted to cover his ass for this, so he directed then-Director of National Intelligence James Clapper to handpick two dozen Russia analysts from the CIA, FBI, and NSA to point their fingers at Russia
  • Hillary and corporate media lied and called this hand-picked gaggle of Russia analysts "17 agencies"
  • Ukraine embassy officials interfered and assisted Hillary by providing the hand-written ledger that got Paul Manafort locked up
  • Immediately following Hillary's loss to Trump, James Comey was blamed by Democrats for his ill-timed announcement that Hillary was under investigation
  • This lasted but mere days, until establishment Democrats realized that they didn't want smoke with the Deep State
  • But they still needed an external excuse for their loss so as to avoid scrutiny, so Robby Mook and crew settled on Russia over Shake Shack
  • Once Trump was inaugurated, Comey, in his initial meeting with Trump, issued a veiled threat about how they well knew what Russia supposedly had on him
  • Trump fired Comey and claimed that it was for his being mean to Hillary
  • Clapper admitted by omission that they had no evidence, when he claimed they had "high confidence" in Trump/Russia collusion
  • Robert Mueller (who helped lie us into Iraq) was appointed to lead a special counsel with a mandate to justify the sham investigation and illegitimate spying upon Trump and his presidential campaign
  • Liberals in pussy hats protested in the streets to defend racist Jeff Sessions when he was fired for refusing to recuse himself
  • Democrats crushed their misguided protest movement by convincing them that Mueller would eventually save them from the Bad Man, and pushing crazed Trump/Russia conspiracy theories was the best way to #resist
  • In the mean time, #Russiagate was used to justify censorship of the internet because fake news
  • Anti-war voices were demonetized and de-platformed as algorithms pushed corporate media lies and acceptable truths onto the public
  • Senate Republicans blamed Russia for Black Lives Matter
  • Kamala Harris blamed Russia for the uproar surrounding Colin Kaepernick
  • Hillary Clinton called Tulsi Gabbard a Russian asset
  • Bernie Sanders and Jeremy Corbin were called Russians and worse
  • Ellen danced with Dubya and Michelle gave him a hug so liberals would say that actually, a million Iraqi deaths don't matter anymore because Trump
  • The Mueller report was finally released with a thud, but Democrats had gassed up their base for three years so they couldn't just drop the act
  • Democrats effortless moved the goalposts from collusion to obstruction
  • Since intent to obstruct demands that the suspect be guilty of the underlying crime, it didn't work out
  • The same exact #Russiagate truthers all climbed aboard the Ukraine train
  • Nancy Pelosi finally relented, and began impeachment proceedings despite the fact that Democrats' impeachment case against Trump also reveals the corruption of Joe Biden
  • President Obama had refused to give money for Ukraine to buy weapons to use against Russia
  • Trump approved the military aid money because Democrats pushed him to be hawkish and increase tensions with Russia
  • Trump briefly withheld the aid money to try and get Ukraine to announce an investigation into the Bidens
  • Democrats pretended that using aid to get something in return is suddenly a crime - as though Jimmy Carter didn't secure Israel's border with aid money to Egypt; as though Bernie Sanders doesn't want to use aid money to leverage for Palestinian rights in Israel
  • Democrats said it wasn't okay because it was meant for personal political gain - as though LBJ would have been wrong to ask a foreign nation to assist an investigation into Richard Nixon for negotiating to keep the Vietnam "Conflict" going until he could get credit for its ending
  • Democrats' initial article of impeachment was in regards to Trump's call with Zelinsky about quid pro quo with military aid and the Bidens (see above)
  • The second article of impeachment bizarrely claimed that Trump had obstructed congress by insisting that the judicial branch settle disputes between the legislative and executive branches of government (regarding subpoenas, specifically)
  • Idiot liberals never, ever care or realize that this entire episode is meant to run interference for establishment Democrats, that it only serves to help Trump by misdirecting his opposition and vindicating him as the conspiracies inevitably fall apart amid scrutiny, and that McCarthyism and red-baiting only ever harms the left


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