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Ban Gunowners

Updated on August 5, 2015

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Guns owners are disrespectful of authority. A failure to rely on authorities is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. The mere fact that they gather together to talk about guns at gun shops, gun shows, shooting ranges, and on the internet means that they have some plot going against us normal people. A gun owner has no right to associate with another gun owner.*

Therefore, to help ensure our right to happiness and safety we must ban and seize all guns from private hands*, and forbid NRA-based criticism* towards people who are only trying to help. Searching the homes of all NRA members for any guns and pro-gun literature* will go a long way towards reducing crime. If we need help doing this we can invite people like the Australians and Norwegians to help rummage through people's property.

Common sense requires only uniformed soldiers, police, and other agents of the state have access to firearms, and think of all the money we can save by just taking away the guns from private owners* and giving them to the military and police. No person should be able to challenge this by writing to Congress or the President.* If they do they should be forced in court to admit to it* and then fined a hundred million dollars for each time.* Subjecting them to torture will probably change their minds.*

Making it mandatory that church ministers preach against guns* or else they can't get licensed* will certainly force the church folk onto our side.*

We must have a nationwide vote whether or not to get rid of all guns but those who own guns should not be allowed to cast a ballot.

People who don't like all this prove they are on the side of the killers with the guns and should be put in jail* along side all the gangbangers and other gun nuts. Letting them sit in jail for a few years before they are charged* will give the government plenty of time to find something wrong in their lives. Anything they say, write, or express should be held against them* to prove their guilt. We should bring all of them here to Chicago* to be tried by Mayor Rahm as judge,* and we should allow only mothers who have lost children to gunfire to be on the juries.* Any attorney who tries to defend them should be arrested also.* If we don't get the right verdict the first time we can just keep trying them until we do.*

No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder and should just leave crime prevention to the Police who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime's completion. Women using a gun in self-defense interferes with and makes the attempted crime a "non-event," which unnecessarily complicates the Police investigation. Any woman who does this should be put in jail for interfering with an investigation.

If someone still really, really thinks they have a need for a gun in their home for protection then the Army should just force them to host and feed some armed soldiers.*

Those who claim that the 2nd amendment was given to because we might someday need guns to use against an oppressive government forget that Constitution has strong internal safeguards to protect our freedoms. So there!

Long live our Constitution!

[Asterisks are there in the article for a reason, Dear Readers. Please puzzle them out before you comment.]


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    • profile image

      Coowallsky 4 months ago

      Always enjoyed this classic. Kudos, Jack!

    • profile image 2 years ago

      Although this is satire, the scary thing is, anti-gun folk have advocated for some of these things, and perhaps even all of them, at one time or another...

    • profile image

      Dan Griffin 4 years ago

      Haha. Asterisks = Bill of Rights violations. Very good.

    • profile image

      Grump 5 years ago

      Haven't had a good laugh in a few days, this fixed it!

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 5 years ago from California

      Must confess I did a redo after the first run through. You might have been mistaken for a radical.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Great satire!

    • Jason R. Manning profile image

      Jason R. Manning 5 years ago from Sacramento, California

      Hey, I came back to up vote you again, it let me...I still cannot believe how many Hubbers were duped by this, America is starting to really scare me.

    • profile image

      Longhunter 6 years ago

      I had to look twice. Good satire. t actually sounds like some of the people that try to debate me on gun control. Great hub!

    • Jason R. Manning profile image

      Jason R. Manning 6 years ago from Sacramento, California

      Seriously, it’s the people who cannot see this as a satire of those who REALLY wish to suppress law abiding citizens that scare the daylights out of me. Wow, take your money out of the bank and go buy a clue…oh wait, you cant, because you gave Obama your change, and mine, and my daughters. Great hub, absolute up vote, down with the citizen!

      Good job Mr. Burton, I could read between the lines.

    • profile image

      Coowallsky 6 years ago

      Excellent as always Jack. Miss you up on Topix.

    • Superman05 profile image

      Superman05 7 years ago from Philadelphia

      I enjoyed this witty satire. Well done.

    • profile image

      snipe609 7 years ago

      long live n.korea give me a puff of that you are smoking.

    • profile image

      Madame X 7 years ago

      Come on guys, where's your sense of humor? :)

      Excellent article!!

    • outdoorsguy profile image

      outdoorsguy 7 years ago from Tenn

      actually I found this article to be entertaining Satire. LOL.

    • readytoescape profile image

      readytoescape 7 years ago from Central Florida

      Your arguement was lost with your first sentence. Inane by the second and reading any further is just an insult to the use of the written word.

    • profile image

      Neil MacMillan 7 years ago

      At the bootom of your post you write "Long Live our Constitution!' Yet, what you advocate is nothing less than gutting the Bill of Rights. AS a gun-owner I respect authority and spent 16 years of my life defending the constitution. I can only hope that your article is sarcastic and not meant to be taken literally.

      What you advocate in short is overthrowing the constitutional republic and replacing it with a dictator ship that strips us of all rights. If this is your believe, kindly emigrate to someplace more to your liking. I recommend the People's Republic of North Korea. Long live the constitutional republic of the United States of America!

    • Rocque profile image

      Rocque 7 years ago from California

      This is not to be taken seriously, is it?

      What country are we talking about here?

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      ... and pencils are responsible for all spelling mistakes...