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Guns owners are disrespectful of authority. A failure to rely on authorities is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. The mere fact that they gather together to talk about guns at gun shops, gun shows, shooting ranges, and on the internet means that they have some plot going against us normal people. A gun owner has no right to associate with another gun owner.*
Therefore, to help ensure our right to happiness and safety we must ban and seize all guns from private hands*, and forbid NRA-based criticism* towards people who are only trying to help. Searching the homes of all NRA members for any guns and pro-gun literature* will go a long way towards reducing crime. If we need help doing this we can invite people like the Australians and Norwegians to help rummage through people's property.
Common sense requires only uniformed soldiers, police, and other agents of the state have access to firearms, and think of all the money we can save by just taking away the guns from private owners* and giving them to the military and police. No person should be able to challenge this by writing to Congress or the President.* If they do they should be forced in court to admit to it* and then fined a hundred million dollars for each time.* Subjecting them to torture will probably change their minds.*
Making it mandatory that church ministers preach against guns* or else they can't get licensed* will certainly force the church folk onto our side.*
We must have a nationwide vote whether or not to get rid of all guns but those who own guns should not be allowed to cast a ballot.
People who don't like all this prove they are on the side of the killers with the guns and should be put in jail* along side all the gangbangers and other gun nuts. Letting them sit in jail for a few years before they are charged* will give the government plenty of time to find something wrong in their lives. Anything they say, write, or express should be held against them* to prove their guilt. We should bring all of them here to Chicago* to be tried by Mayor Rahm as judge,* and we should allow only mothers who have lost children to gunfire to be on the juries.* Any attorney who tries to defend them should be arrested also.* If we don't get the right verdict the first time we can just keep trying them until we do.*
No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder and should just leave crime prevention to the Police who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime's completion. Women using a gun in self-defense interferes with and makes the attempted crime a "non-event," which unnecessarily complicates the Police investigation. Any woman who does this should be put in jail for interfering with an investigation.
If someone still really, really thinks they have a need for a gun in their home for protection then the Army should just force them to host and feed some armed soldiers.*
Those who claim that the 2nd amendment was given to because we might someday need guns to use against an oppressive government forget that Constitution has strong internal safeguards to protect our freedoms. So there!
Long live our Constitution!
[Asterisks are there in the article for a reason, Dear Readers. Please puzzle them out before you comment.]