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How to Be A Great American By Being A Bigot (Satire)

Updated on June 28, 2010

BIGOT-- A person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices.

Being a Great American By being a Bigot requires a subtle sense of balance. On the one hand you want to be able to hate as many people as you can, on the other you don't want to alienate too many regular Americans or appear too hateful.

An important point to remember, when you are a bigot, is that you must mask your hate and intolerance by calling them an opinion, even Great Americans must bow to politically correctness even if just slightly. The best way to accomplish this is to select a group of people which are considered acceptable to hate or be intolerant to, and which provides you with a platform to appear patriotic and caring of ‘Real’ Americans. Any of these groups below can be openly hated by Great Americans. If you hate enough or are intolerant enough you too can be a Great American by being a bigot.


This is by far the easiest target to attack with hate and derision. Many Americans have an innate fear and hatred of gays. If you openly hate gays you’ll have many Americans who will praise you as an honest and Great American. Most of these people believe that gays are the product of a liberal conspiracy. A great conspiracy with which political agendas are being fulfilled by convincing weak minded American to become gay. Impressionable men and women beware; you too can be turned gay. Or you can use the oldie but goodie, ‘God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’ Blaming your hate on God has always been effective in disseminating hate and wars.

Illegal Aliens

Another great target to launch your hate salvoes is illegal aliens, but not all illegal aliens are created equal. We all know that the 32nd parallel, the border between Canada and the US, is the longest open border in the world (5,525 miles long), but no one cares or allows hate towards Canada or illegal aliens that might cross a border known as the world’s longest unprotected border. If you want to be accepted as a Great American you have to stick to hating illegal aliens from Mexico. These mostly illiterate, uneducated, non English speaking people are stealing real Americans jobs. Real Americans can not compete with someone with their skill set. Real American can not get government benefits such as healthcare or welfare, that these illegals get. Not that the real American would want to get those benefits because they believe in smaller government and such benefits are socialist in nature, but Mexican illegal aliens shouldn’t get them either.

People on Welfare

This is one of the few instances where hating and verbally abusing the poor and hungry is not only accepted it is praised with high honor and applause by Great Americans. Maligning the weakest members of our society with long suffering tales and highly effective stereotypes of fraud, laziness, and intentional child bearing, incenses the heart of every Real American.    Hate people on welfare, even if they’re your neighbors, or family members.  Hate is pure it recognizes no relations.


There’s probably no problem in the world that can not be blamed on the Jews.  The economic system failed, why?  The Jews.  A World government will be installed.  Who’s going to run it?  The Jews.  All banks are run by Jews.  All liberal media run by Jews.  Jews killed Jesus.  So many people hate the Jews, even if they never met one.  But this hate can get you in a little trouble if you have political ambition, so you have to be more subtle on the hate for the Jews.  It’s not that you hat the Jews, you hate what they stand for.


A new member to the most hated groups in America.  All Real Americans know that all Muslims are terrorists at heart, just like we know that all Christians are pacifist.  Americans rarely have a clear understanding of the Bible.  They rarely read it or study it for deeper understanding.  But they can talk about the Qur'an as if they wrote it themselves.    Aggression by one Muslim is aggression by all Muslim.  If we are at war with a Muslin state we are at war with the Muslim religion itself and every one who believes in that faith.  They are trying to kill the Christian God, and we must not let them. They are the most powerful enemy we ever faced and if we don’t act they might succeed in killing our all powerful God and establishing themselves as the one true religion.  Hating them is not only right, it is expected of a Great American.


This nebulous group of people is to blame for the undoing of America.  If you’re going to spend time hating something, this group is the one to hate.  Every law protecting the rights of Americans was at one point initiated by liberals.  It’s easy for them to seem reasonable wanting everyone to have equal rights but who’s going to pay for it.  Us.  The Real Americans.  Liberals want us to help the poor, the gays, the illegal aliens, the Jews, even big corporations.  This is America, every man for himself, if you can feed your family, what can I tell you?  We don’t need liberal trying to change the status quo.  Real Americans want everything to stay the same as it was in the 50’s.    Of course the Real Americans of the 50’s wanted America to stay as it was in the 30’s, but what did they know.  All we know is that liberals will ruin this country faster than any terrorist attack.

Hating this group will surely bring you closer to being a Great American.

Liberal Media

Just when I think we’ve reached the most hated we reach another more hated group. There’s no other group more deserving of your all consuming hate than the liberal media. They selectively feed us lies and fabrications every second of the day. They slant their stories to support whatever agenda they’re selling, unlike conservative news caster who only tell us the unvarnished truth. If there’s a story out there that compromises our way of life, the liberal media made it up. It doesn’t matter if they produce so call proof; it’s only to move forward their agenda. Hate this worms that feed on the fear of Americans. Real Americans know what time is it, and at what hour and in what foxy channel the truth is broadcasted.

President Obama

If you want to be considered a Great American you must hate Obama. There’s no choice about it. If you like or agree with Obama, you will not be considered a Great American. You may not even be considered an American at all. And notice that it’s not President Obama, Real Americans say simply Obama. It doesn’t matter what he does you must hate it. Even if by some miracle, (and it must be a miracle because it would never happen otherwise), if by miracle he succeeds in doing something beneficial towards America or Americans, you must still hate it and loudly voice your hate. Remember the object is not to have a healthy, successful America, the object is to defeat Obama and everything he stands for. That’s why Real Americans cheered when America lost the bid for the Olympics, even though America lost, Real Americans won. That’s why Real Americans pray every day for some terrorist attack to happen on an American city so they could be found to be right and Obama’s policies wrong. This is a non optional, non negotiable hate. In order for you to be considered a Great American you must hate, hate, hate, hate Obama and everything he stand for with a passion that consumes your being.

All this hate and intolerance can be expressed to your neighbors, on the web, broadcasted on TV or radio, or anywhere you find other same minded Americans. Being a Great American by being a Bigot can easily be achieved by hating or being intolerant towards any of the groups mentioned. Remember that hate and fear go hand in hand, if other Real Americans hate the same groups as you, tell them how the world as they know itis going to end, how the sky will fall, and how America will be destroyed if they don’t do something about________ (whatever group you choose). If you’re passionate enough in your hate and vocal enough to spread your fears, someone will eventually notice and brand you a Great American, you might even get your very own broadcasting show that could influence the minds of millions.


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      Roger Lodge 

      8 years ago

      You forgot to mention, that if you are a true American you MUST hate drugs, especially weed. This is key, even if you have smoked it for years, in the publics eye you MUST HATE WEED!


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