Being Homeless ...losing hope
I would never have thought that one day I would be homeless. I mean really who says to themselves, I think one day I will see what it is like to be homeless and live in my car,or a hotel or maybe even a couch of someone you really don't know. I thoughts that race through my mind and the feeling of not being worth anything to anyone. My family, with the exception of my kids and my sister in law , have basically disowned me and think I am worth nothing. A burden to them, a basic screw up since the day I was born.
I sometimes think I have no place here. My life in dissaray and shambles. Wondering how I am going to survive the next day without food. Wondering where I am going to spend my next night, or how long I will be able to stay in a warm dry place. I don't want to think the worse, but how can I not. I am ashamed of myself and the predicament that I am in. No where to go and no where to turn. My belongings in 3 suitcases and 2 boxes in my car.
I am not asking for a mansion or fancy surroundings, but a place to call my own no matter how small it may be. A place to feel safe and warm, where I can sleep without any interruptions or to feel lost inside myself. My friends, yes, they are great support. Even if some of them are far away and want to help me but can't, I know that they care for me immensely. We take the little things for granted sometimes and sometimes forget how precious life can really be. Sometimes we need reminding that the smallest of things are what we need to survive. My life is always changing, and I have made mistakes in my past. I have no regrets on my life choices. One day maybe the day will come where the light I see is finally the path that life has chosen for me to pursue and be happy with and not another oncoming train.
I have good intentions and the road I am on is pure hell right now. I feel as if I am being punished for something I have no idea what I have done. I am completely cold and numb inside. The more disappointment that I come across the more numb I become to it and right now I don't feel anything and honestly I really do not care right now. I am living day by day, hour by hour, trying to find my way back to the person I see in the mirror who I knew long ago. Laughing, smiling and happy inside and out. But until then I am moving along slowly watching as I turn every corner making sure I can proceed with both feet and not worry about any other obstacles that may be in my way.
As I sit here in an unfamiliar room, collecting my thoughts, I wonder will I ever be the person I once was? Will I feel happiness again? Will the ones who I cared for at one time just accept me for who I really am? And look me in the face and say we are here for you and we are sorry for what has been done. Maybe one day when I am gone those words will ring in my ears, but until then I will hold on to myself and push my way through the disappointments until I see that light again