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Brexit and The Headless Chicken Cha Cha

Updated on June 26, 2016

The weekend is normally a politics free zone with a nominal amount of time given to its equally divisive sister, Religion. However the bracklash, English people yelling Breek and suffering bregrets and buyers bremorse has been amusing. David Cameron has disappeared from the headlines, his sidekick Gideon Oliver Osborne (G.O.O or GOO for short) has just disappeared. Rumours abound that he will resign tomorrow, was found drunk in a Campden pub – this can be disregarded as he would never go to somewhere as plebeian. He refused an invitation to appear on Television and the entire population: well the half dozen or so care what happens to him are playing Where's Wally. Sorry: Where's THE Wally.

The day after the result of the EU referendum was announced the most popular Google queries were

“What is the EU”


“What does it mean to leave the UK”

In the absence of time machines one would suggest they had asked these questions first

Many Leave voters are now saying they only voted Leave to send the government a message and did not expect a Leave result.

One result of this is that Americans now consider themselves smarter than the English. This will change in November with the US Elections

You couldn't make this up. If you had you would have been asked what you were smoking drinking or eating.

In the meantime politicians are rushing around like headless chickens suffering from a bad dose of dire rear. Labour, being finally in a position to wound the Tories, perhaps fatally, have chosen to start their own civil war with shadow ministers resigning and one being sacked for planning a coup. The Labour Branch manager (Scotland) is still against independence though many senior party members are adopting, or at least moving towards a scexit position from the UK. The ground is shifting under her feet. J.K Rowling, who gave a million pounds to the better together campaign is, like many others back pedalling to get some wriggle room and there are hints that the Scottish mainstream media are considering whether to reconsider their opposition to independence. The Scottish Liberals are starting to try to cosy up to the SNP. But Labour and the Liberals are finished in Scotland. The best an about turn can do would be to stop them disappearing completely after having spent the last two years disappearing up their own fundamental orifice in a way a circus acrobat would envy.

The Tory party expected David Cameron to press the big red Brexit button, clearly marked “Do not press this button” and then fall on his sword but instead he fell on his offshore funds and handed the Brexiters the mother of all poisoned chalices. The Fixed Term Parliament Act means the next prime minister will be an unelected Tory. If they do not press the Brexit Button they will be finished as they will have disregarded the expressed will of the English and Welsh People. Pressing the Brexit Button is pretty much a nuclear option: Scotland, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar voted decisively to remain and will continue to disrupt the exit process if it goes ahead, perhaps with Scotland vetoing individual changes to Scottish law entailed by a brexit, Northern Ireland trying to unite with Eire and Gibraltar talking nicely to Spain, probably for the first time ever: even their famous Barbary Apes may be thinking about learning how to swim and say “Political Asylum”.

Pressing the Brexit Button would be like a colleague, many years ago, who was wondering around the computer room housing a mainframe computer when they saw a big red button. Being curious about what it did he pressed it. It was the emergency stop for the mainframe. He hurriedly wiped his fingerprints off the button and beat a hasty retreat. The English and Welsh electorate have given the Government orders to press the button and the Government is morally obliged to press it by giving the EU notice to quit. And the EU is now demanding that Westminster immediately choose a new Prime Minster and give them notice of intention to quit. It seems the EU has been wanting a development like this for a while now, having got thoroughly fed up with the UK.

Of course Brexit would (will?) have some beneficial results. UKIP is likely to vanish from politics having achieved its goal, and the MPS who defected from other parties to UKIP will be out of a job: the chances of their being reaccepted by their old parties being less than winning the lottery 100 times in a row and more like the chance of putting a pan of water on a lit cooker and seeing the water turn to ice.

Given that our political system has for decades, if not centuries, been run by overgrown schoolboys – with one disastrous exception who would probably disown the present shower – one has to wonder if Cameron is a political genius. The referendum was proposed to head off UKIP who might have held the balance of power in 2015. Cameron had good reason to expect to lose the election and so bury the proposed referendum. Once he got a surprise narrow majority he had to honour the process or alienate half his party. Perhaps at this point he realised that if Boris Johnson were to lead the Brexit campaign then it would finish his old nemesis. A remain vote would finish Johnson and a leave vote would, as stated above, finish him in a different way. It only remained to persuade Johnson that leading Brexit would make him Prime Minister. This needed only an appeal to his massive ego and a public promise Cameron would stand down before the next election. Blackadder's cunning plan worked but with some unwanted side effects.

And Cameron did not expect a Leave vote. Nor, by all indications, did the Leave campaign.

In the Labour and Tory parties the hyenas are gathering to strip the corpse of their party before letting the vultures move in. The banks are implementing long laid contingency plans to move jobs ( but not people ) to Dublin and Frankfurt. Anti-Immigrant and Anti-Scottish racism is growing by the day and will get worse once the economic problems bite. The EU is demanding the UK give notice to quit immediately after choosing a new prime minster and the Brexiters are trying to push giving notice into the longest and furthest of long grass: preferably that growing on a planet in another galaxy in a parallel universe. Scotland seems now to be firmly pro independence and even if Brexit does not materialise and the UK manages to wriggle out of exiting the scare means many will remain pro independence.

Batman and Robin are hiding in the cave now Batman has resigned and they look to be replaced by Goofy and Pluto, while the banks do a Roadrunner with no Wily E Coyote in sight. We have our elected leaders doing the Panic Polka and the Headless Chicken Cha Cha while looking for someone to whom they can say “That's another fine mess you get me into”, Bugs Bunny in Brussels is saying “You do of course realise this means war?” and the Indomitable Gauls want to put all the immigrants on a ferry to Dover as soon as possible, preferably yesterday.

Whatever happens in the future we should get a few good laughs on the way


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