Cooking With Sarah Palin! First, Bag A Moose Or Grizzly, But Stay Away From Dead Fish That Go With The Flow!
Sarah, The Cover Girl And Chef!
Sarah Palin Rumored To Try The Food Network!
Want to cook like Sarah Palin? Want to know her kitchen secrets? I might have the scoop for you! Before she decides to go courting a gig on Food Network (I hear it is in the works!), I will give you some of her more famous recipes. I have heard rumors that if Palin does not run for President in 2012, she will be needin' another job. So, I will teach you how to make these exotic meals in your own kitchen well before you see them on the new show which oddly enough, may be called "Kook in' Alaska! You Betchya!" I am unsure what they are trying to project with that title. Not even sure of what it means!
A source has informed me that there have been several episodes prepared and previewed, all to be shown in 15 minute segments. While that is half the time of a normal show, Sarah is a woman of very few words and doesn't want to wear out her fans with too much thinking. And word has it that Bristol Palin, the l'il darlin of Dancing With the Stars and Advocate For Abstinence, is scheduled to make a few appearances, and that ever lovin' middle daughter, Willow, has even offered to demonstrate How to Use A Facebook Page For Fun! Piper, the youngest daughter, will assist mom on the S'more's segment. Todd, the First Dude and Iron Dog winner, will be directing the show, while the couple's two sons, Trig and Trag--woops!--think it is Track, are scheduled to help mom behind the scenes.
Here is a preview of the first week's shows:
- Brewin' Some Tea With My Witchy Gal Pals!
- Holy Moose Stew With All The Trimmin's!
- Roasted Pig With Lipstick Marinade!
- Some More S'mores Made By Some Real Americans!
- Mama Grizzly Burgers Made By Real Grizzly Mamas!
- Goin' With The Flow Dead Fish Bake! Just Kiddin' With Ya!
There are no Sunday segments planned. Sundays, as we all know, are reserved for God, and either He or McDonald's will be supplying the food on that day. Real American viewers will probably have their Sunday dinners delivered by God, too! The rest of you will have to travel to the drive-thru window!
Some Different Utensils Required!
Most of Sarah's intended audience already have the required kitchen utensils, but some of you will have to order them. Luckily, for you, along with the show, Sarah is coming out with her own autographed line of kitchen goodies. The remaining viewers, the ones who want to pretend they are Real Americans, will be able to order them either on-line or get them with no waiting at any number of local gun shows.
Here's the list of what yer gonna need:
- Hockey Mom Hockey Stick-- if you can't wait for Sarah's, I suggest you get the Easton Stealth S19. It retails for $299.99, but if you're a Hockey Mom, you know it is worth every dollar you pay for it! It is designed to be used in case your grizzly burgers overcook, then the family can use them as pucks!
- Sarah's Big Game Hunting Rifle-- You will need this to bag your moose and your grizzly. Keep it in the kitchen, just in case you start to take the animal out of the bag and it is still moving. Hear that Sarah's kitchen rifles are gonna come in red, so you might want to wait to get one of hers! A good big game rifle will run you about $500.00, but you will have it for many years!
- Fishing Boats by Sarah-- One Alaskan Fishing Boat-- If you don't want to wait, there is a 1979 Glassply for sale right now! Asking price, $34,500.00. It's a full 28 feet X 11 feet and has all the amenities. It doesn't have Sarah's autograph, but what do you expect for the bargain basement price! The boat comes with all fishing gear and even has a fish cleaning table!
- Husband That Knows How To Hunt, Fish and Butcher All Those Big Game And Fishy Smelling Things--No! Sarah is not planning to manufacture any Real American husbands, but if you don't already have one, there are used ones always available on-line. Remember, they have to be of the opposite sex, or they will not get Sarah's wanna be Presidential Seal of Approval! If you are a single man or woman, you should be out finding a suitable spouse, at church.
- Lookin' and 'Kook In' Like Sarah! Red Jackets and Blazers Unlimited! Yes! You had to know it was coming! Sarah's own line of kitchen fashion and hair accessories! Each red jacket will look exactly the same as the blazers and they will all come with a free Sarah teasing comb and an assortment of hair barettes, so you, too, can cook with your prom hair kept in place, looking perfectly '80's. Sarah is NOT going to be promoting or selling her own line of hair spray for kitchen use! Her advisers have informed her the risk for liability is too high. Hair spray is known to be flammable, so she wants to stay away from promoting that! You still need it for that Sarah look, but you will have to do so at your own risk!
Behind The Secrecy! The Meat Of The Shows!
The shows will be short, but full of excitement, and of course, Sarah! A short summary, list of guests and some of the recipes are previewed!
1) Brewin' Some Tea With My Witchy Gal Pals!
This show is slated to be the premier and will feature Sarah's Main Peeps: Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann, Nikki Haley, Sharon Angle and Jan Brewer. Apparently, they all know how to make tea, and they all drink plenty of it, but it is being reported that Christine will actually be brewing the Lipton on this show!
The reports I received said that during taping, after only a few sips of tea, the gal pals were speaking to each other in tongues. Todd said it sounded like their normal girl talk, really no big deal! Sarah did take the opportunity to explain why she is now appearing on Food Network. "I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is." And there it was!
2) Holy Moose Stew With All The Trimmin's!
The second show is all about moose stew! It is simple, really! You will need a big crock pot and a large frying pan. Sarah starts talking about the spot where they killed this particular moose. She could see Russia and some planes, speculating that Putin was one of the pilots. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." She does emphasize that the moose was an American moose, not Russian, of that she is sure. She also decided to take the opportunity to address any viewers that might be vegan. She very eloquently says, "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"
- 2 pounds of moose meat, chopped into bite-sized pieces
- 1 onion, diced
- 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped
- 4 celery stalks, chopped
- 4 or 5 potatoes, peeled and chopped
- 2 bay leaves
- 1 or 2 cups of sacramental wine
- 1 can of diced tomatoes, optional (anything that might be used by those Italians is a little questionable)
- salt and freshly ground black pepper
- some canola oil
- flour mixed with water
Sarah's gonna throw some oil into the frying pan, heat it up and add the moose meat, sprinkled with some salt and pepper. She is gonna sear it and brown it on all sides. Next, she will be pouring in the sacramental wine to deglaze the pan and then drop that into the crock pot, which will be on high. The bay leaves will be added to the crockpot. She will pour a little bit of oil into the frying pan and saute the onions and garlic with some salt and pepper and add them to the meat and wine. The moose meat needs to cook for about an hour, then Sarah will add in the celery, carrots and potatoes and some more salt and pepper. She is going to let that cook for about 6 hours. In the last hour, she will make a slurry of flour and water, and stir that into the crockpot. Then she will let it cook like that for another hour.
It is supposed to be a secret, but Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is going to bring the trimmin's. Rumor has it that he will be bringing the very bread and butter that he has stolen from Wisconsin's union members and their families!
3) Roasted Pig With Lipstick Marinade!
Sarah may not understand that a roasted pig and a roasted pork loin are two different things, but at least she is asking the First Dude to remove the Israeli flags from the kitchen, just for this episode. Of course she is not Jewish, but she values Jews and Israel. They are important to her interpretation of the book of Revelations, so she has those flags as a reminder. She does not want to offend the Jews, lest they retaliate by doing something to mess up the end days.
She speaks of hearing that wild boar can be found in Africa, and then says, "We discussed what was going on in Africa. And, never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is this (Africa) a country or is it a continent..." She assures everyone that this pig is American. She actually saw the tag on the package.
Also heard that she is not marinating the pork in lipstick, but instead, a port wine cherry sauce. It is the same color as lipstick, so her fans, even when faced with obvious inconsistencies, will still love Sarah and the show.
- 2 3 pound pork loin roasts
- 2 cups of port wine
- 2 cups of unsweetened cherry juice
- 1 cup of chicken broth
- One-eighth cup balsamic vinegar
- Salt, Ground black pepper
- One large onion, sliced
- Two garlic cloves, minced
- Three bay leaves
- Pinch ground allspice
- 1 cup of dried cherries
Sarah is going to mix all of the ingredients, except for the dried cherries, in a large ziploc bag and then put the loin roasts in, seal it up and let it sit in the refrigerator for about an hour. The camera will zoom in on Sarah gently removing the roasts from the baggie and placing them in a large frying pan with a little bit of heated oil. She will brown them on all sides, and transfer them to a shallow roasting pan. With the tongs, she will surround the roasts with the garlic and onions and pour in half the liquid. That roasting pan will go into a 350 degree oven for about an hour and a half, and she will baste it a few times and turn it once or twice. The remaining marinade will go into the frying pan, with the reserved drippings from the meat and cherries. The cherries will need to soak for about 20 minutes, then the marinade should be reduced by boiling until it is half the volume and thickened a little bit. It may not resemble red lipstick when finished, but a few drops of red food coloring will solve that. The thickened sauce will be ladled over the pork.
Sarah's friend, Senator Jim (You lie!) DeMint is making a surprise visit to the set. He is a huge pork fan and will reportedly attempt to sneak out with any leftover pork!
4) Some More S'mores Made By Some Real Americans!
Fox News reported that during Sarah's recent trip to India, one of the gifts she brought were some homemade s'mores, which she had planned to give to India's Prime Minister, Buddha. She finally laid them at the feet of one of his many statues. For some reason, she never got to actually meet Buddha. She told Fox that he was too busy dealing with national security, and although she spoke to him briefly on the phone, the conversation was private and involved national security, she stated.
Little Piper is going to help mom with the s'mores.
- several graham crackers, broken in half
- 1 bag of large marshmallows
- 1/2 Hershey bar (1.5 ounce bars) for each s'more
Sarah and Piper are dressed in matching mother-daughter red jackets. They are using a little Hibachi for this segment. They have it set up on the counter, and each smore is laid out on a cookie sheet. Half a graham cracker with a piece of chocolate on it and a top sitting right next to it. They pretend they are camping out, from the comfort of their kitchen. They roast the marshmallows and then put one or two on top of each chocolate-covered graham cracker. Then they cover the melting chocolate and marshmallow cracker with another plain one. This episode is fun! And just to tick off Michelle Obama, Sarah mischievously tells the viewers that this is going to be their lunch! Sarah reportedly winks at the camera, as the scene fades!
5) Mama Grizzly Burgers Made By Real Grizzly Mamas!
Sarah Palin's family and friends gather for burgers! What could be more real American than that? Ann Coulter shows up with the buns, Michelle Malkin brings the pickles, tomatoes and lettuce and Glenn Beck contributes some freeze-dried mayo, ketchup and mustard! What fun! After a brief discussion about birth certificates (they all show theirs for the camera!), Sarah spins the tale of how she landed this mama grizzly herself. She proudly shows them the bear skin rug that looks so beautiful in front of the fireplace! They all marvel at the shrine of Charlton Heston, and Glenn gives them all his best imitation of Heston in his most memorable role: "From my cold, dead hands!" The girls all giggle and then head to the kitchen where they make the grizzly burgers, while Glenn watches them with a beer in his hand.
- 3 pounds of ground grizzly
- 1/2 onion, grated over the bowl
- 1/2 cup of reconstituted freeze-dried ketchup
- salt and pepper
- 2 eggs
- 3 pieces of Wonder bread, torn into pieces
- 3 Tablespoons of parsley
- garlic powder
- 4 Tablespoons of worcesteshire sauce
Sarah quickly mixes and forms the meat into patties and drops them onto a slightly oiled, heated grill pan. Michelle turns them after a few minutes and Ann gets the plates ready. When they are finished, they carry the food to the table and make up their plates.
6) Goin' With The Flow Dead Fish Bake! Just Kiddin' With Ya!
Sarah takes center stage and tells her viewers that the halibut she is cooking today, was beaten to death on the deck of her boat. She assures everyone that this fish was alive when she caught it, and that is important, because in her words, "Only dead fish go with the flow." She proudly reveals that, once again, she was the mallet-wielding sportswoman. The First Dude did clean the halibut once she clubbed it to death, and she will be the one cooking it for the family. The First Dude cut this one into several halibut steaks.
- 8 1 1/2 inch thick halibut steaks
- salt and pepper
- 4 Tablespoons of lemon and garlic-infused olive oil
- 4 Tablespoons of fresh, finely chopped dill
Sarah tells the audience that these can either be pan fried or gently baked. Today, she chooses to bake them. Sarah uses a pie pan in which she has put the oil and the dill. She dips each steak into the pie pan, coating both sides with the mixture. Prior to placing them in the sprayed baking pan, Sarah sprinkles some salt and pepper on both sides of each steak. She then places the pan into a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Bristol and Willow are by her side and they have a little back and forth, covering topics such as sexting, abstinence and target practice. The First Dude is looking a little disappointed, because he knows that the abstinence part of the conversation is aimed at him.
You Are Thinking This Can't Happen?
I know, this is all speculation, but what is the half governor going to do if she does not run for President in 2012? Think she will calmly fade away? I doubt it! For the last two years, her fans have waited for her to step up in the next election.If she doesn't step up, then a cooking show may not be so far fetched. She knew nothing about history, geography, foreign policy, and yet she ran for Vice president of the United States. To this day, she thinks that she was not the reason they lost the election.
So, it could happen! It might prove to be full of fun! Especially for all those Real Americans! Imagine hearing that voice every day. She is going to need some sort of big money making opportunity. Her ego alone isn't going to allow her to disappear into obscurity without a fight!