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Donnie Darko & The Chamber of OCD Personality Disorder

Updated on October 13, 2016


Virile Crimea nuclear launch system rigged
Virile Crimea nuclear launch system rigged

In the Wolf's Lair, it's seldom good.

Jean-Luc Picard - wish my name was Jean-Luc Picard! [snorts alternating lines of Colombian cocaine and coffee]. Voice is constipated, menopausal! Valdimir ignores text after text. Botox Botox! Pucker. Release. Bronzer applied. Code Orange. Belly wrap/ belly wrap.

Normal to be experiencing uncontrolled raging man-crush on Vladimir P! Red cap, white, in-bred, toothless, gaps, Martinsville TN, race way! wave & smile/ wave & smile. [Ivanka walks in] "Donnie, have you seen the Botox?" Donnie continues muttering, "Lyin' Ted knows. Little Marco knows. Kasich, Kasich. Two syllables." [slaps face twelve times]

Ivanka repeats, "Donnie - focus. Look at me. Have you used all the Botox again? The syringes?"

GET OUT OF HERE! HOW DARE YOU INVADE THE SANCTITY OF THE WOLF'S LAIR! Gd damn! Euro trash model after Euro trash model! Marla Maples, Marla Maples! I drank the Botox! Red Square website. Phone number? Must reach Vladimir. V, V. Virile! Vivacious! Vladimir. Can hack the Democratic National Party's web bank with single, meaty, index finger. [Editor's note - this is untrue. Putin doesn't even know how to turn a computer on, but Donnie believes what was quoted above.] Straight posture. Iron stiff. Ramrod! Hand on hip. At helm. In command. Meaty finger hitting "enter." Man of action! Vladimir, Vladimir. [Wipes brow, breathes deeply, slashes arm w/ straight razor, passes out for 17 minutes.]

[Does egregious line of cocaine upon regaining blurry consciousness. Chops coffee into fine powder] Urges persist! Urgent urges! weak - stop it! [furious self-slapping fit] I go the gym, beefy meat-eaters bulking up, oiling down! Whey powder mixed! Strangely hypnotic. Gleaming, steaming, in steam room. Towel optional. Man of action! Took Crimea. [Unintelligible]

[Donnie's phone lights up. He immediately recognizes Russia's international calling code prefix. Nearly faints] IT'S VLADIMIR. HE TEXTED BACK! Must learn Russian. Cyrillic alphabet. Spartak Dynamo. Red Square, Red Square! Nuclear code. Green button. Blue Button. Vladimir said, "Hi Donald." He who loves least controls relationship! [Unintelligible/ engages in severe fit of whimsy.] in case you missed it

[Unparalleled inside access from the Wolf's Lair continues tmrw, with Episode 3, "Why Won't He Return My Texts." Donnie begins his revisionist autobiography, "My Struggle." This is - need I even remind you? - "fair & balanced coverage" from inside the Trump campaign.


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