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Dropping Like Flies - 2012 Republican Campaigns - Who'll Win the Primary?

Updated on March 2, 2012

Not a republican...

Now, not being a republican myself, the only thing that really keeps me watching the republican or democratic news, is the fact that I want to know which shmuck will be in office next. Either way though, whether you're a part of the Grand Ole Party or not, you've got to admit that the last year has been rather interesting leading up to this point. What started out as a long list of contenders, has quickly dwindled down to a short list of ego-filled suits who think they have what it takes to win office.

Herman Cain - What's that in your closet?

Mr. Cain brought down his entire campaign, when stories surfaced alleging that he had taken part in some pretty flamboyant sexual scandals. And if there is anything that drops a candidate out of a presidential race faster than superglue can dry - it's sex scandals. Heck, even if the rumors weren't true, once the public gets wind of it, you're outta there!

Newt Gingrich - The Grinch that Stole the Economy...

I'm really not sure what was going through Newt's mind when he jumped into the race, other than that it might be fun to throw himself out there. In any case, it became clear fairly quickly that the only votes Gingrich was going to win, would be coming from geriatric units. And that's only if he could get far enough to receive any votes, being that his own campaign staff didn't want to vote for him, let alone work for him.

After a rocky start, Newt managed to get back on top by exploiting Herman Cain's misfortunes, or it could be that someone connected to the Newt campaign, probably had something to do with letting Herman's dark little secret out of the closet, so that Mr. Gingrich could jump in and take over with less competition, who knows?

Either way, it really wasn't until those first detailed debates that Gingrich took part in, that he really started to lose momentum as a competitor. If only he'd kept his mouth closed... Of course, those dastardly debates weren't helped any by the foul ball punted Newt's way by the Romney campaign which painted him as an immoral, greedy, corrupt and criminal politician, not even worth kicking boots with Romney. And I have as of yet to hear anyone actually and directly refute those claims...

In fact, Ron Paul recently hit the Newt on the head in a recent republican debate, where he clearly accused Gingrich of making money and pursuing the continuation of big government. Gingrich didn't even try to deny what he was being accused of, but instead tried to give it a prettier name and suggest that the government has run thousands of businesses and programs successfully, that have benefited the public in many ways. Yet he has failed time and again to actually list any that have actually been successful.

Rick 'Santorum' - Ewwww!

Santorum had a pretty good campaign going, with plenty of momentum gaining until a perverse radio host declared that "Santorum" was not just Rick's last name, but also a homosexual term for little white bodily excretions. Regardless of everything Rick's campaign tried to do to draw his followers away from the 'santorum' rumors, the damage had already been done, effectively turning Rick Santorum's campaign into as much of a joke as Palin's.

Yet and still, even if you are able to ignore the inappropriate slang terms, Santorum doesn't do himself any good by suggesting that the constitutional provision that separates church from state is "optional", or

Rick Perry - that's not a Foot in my mouth, is it?

Perry was an interesting consideration for most voters up until he declared that he was right in issuing an executive order mandating that all girls get vaccinated with Gardisil to prevent them from getting a disease that only 5% of the countries population of teenage girls or boys are even likely to get.

Now, under normal circumstances, it's considered strong mettle to defend your actions even against public shame or professional injury. Though in this instance, Perry would have been better off issuing a public apology and personally paying into the accounts of all the girls and their families who suffered because of the death or serious injuries that result from most of the HPV vaccines. Not to mention, how can anyone think fondly of a guy who mandates that you or your teenage girls get stabbed by needles?

On top of all that, what really dug the Perry campaign grave, wasn't when news reports uncovered the Perry-Merck connection, showing that the pharmaceutical vaccine manufacturers were throwing huge bundles of money into Perry's campaign wallet, it wasn't when a creative political crony discovered that Perry's family owned a camp ground that used to be named n*ggerhead. It was when Perry attempted to gain favor by posting a youtube video slandering gay's serving openly in the military and the lack of appreciation for Christmas in schools. I image he was hoping those were strong issues in our fairly tolerant society.

Mitt Romney - Is That a Target Painted on my Rear?

Mr. Smiles himself has had a pretty clean seat in the republican race for the most part, only really running into trouble from his pesky opponents Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. At least, it was a good campaign up until he started boasting about how many close friends of his own nascar teams, and how many expensive vehicles he's owned (including his favorite brand new Mustang and his wife's favored Cadillac's). People were already pretty sure he was born and bred elitist, the least he could have done was keep his mouth shut. Though in line with his fellow politicians, he self-inflicted his campaigning wounds, and he's in the process of rubbing dirt and infection all up in those wounds with comments about his lack of concern for the poor...

Don't go towards the light!

They're like flies that can't help being attracted to that radiant blue light, up until they feel that sharp zap of electricity and down they go...


Submit a Comment
  • ExLeftist profile image


    7 years ago

    I read your assessment of the Republican primaries. Sorry, I didn't find it very insightful. You referred to these candidates' egos. Did you ever refer to Barack "We are the ones who we've been waiting for" Obama's ego? I'm very happy about the pro-gay changes that have come under Obama. Maybe if gays gave as much money to Republicans then we'd get all these things taken care of through them. That's not the way things are though. Now for an honest assessement of life under the Obama administration. The economy has been unstable for the last 3+ years and Obama wants to keep throwing our hard earned tax dollars at it. He also wants to keep regulating it. This has helped to keep prices high. Our national debt is astronomical. Our enemies around the world and internally have become emboldened under Obama because they view him as a wimp. As far as B.O.'s election mending racial fences I don't think that's been a success either. I'm sure many whites impacted by black on white violence in Illinois, Pennsylvania, Kansas, New York.... would agree. So, I conclude, he shouldn't be reelected. The American electorate is larger than just me and those who think like me so this is just my opinion. I'll leave you with a quote by Adolf Hitler:

    " How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think."

  • American Romance profile image

    American Romance 

    7 years ago from America

    Yea sooner and Clinton was elected twice! Its all about the money! Conservatives wanted to see Newt debate Obama, he would have turned him into mincemeat! Even if your a liberal why would you want Obama back in office? What has he done for this country your proud of? I am sincerely intrigued to hear your answer?

  • profile image


    7 years ago

    Hahahaa. Very amusing hub. I must say that the Republican primary has been most entertaining to watch. Some of it seems so strange that it could have been a movie. However, I believe this is good news for liberals like myself. I am hoping the Republicans have been so insane in the primary, when the general election comes Obama will be able to pull off a victory. But Dubya was elected twice, so it is a cautious optimism.


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