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A Few Easy Steps For Not Being A Dick

Updated on January 30, 2013
Scott, the Canadian dick.
Scott, the Canadian dick. | Source

I'm of the school of thought that most people don't want to consciously be dicks, yet so many of us have built firm habits of dickish behavior that we don't even realize. Don't be mad, hypothetical reader, I'm not trying to get down on you, I am just as guilty of this I'm sure. Hell, just writing this article might make be seem like a big old bag of dicks. I'm just trying to make the world a slightly better place is all.

Think Before You Speak And Watch What You Say

So many of us have so little control over the words that fall from our tongues, and so many more profess to just not give a shit. I'm sure just about everyone has gotten in hot water for saying something stupid or rude before and, while I have to admit that many times it can be very funny, it can produce a ripple effect that will not turn out in your favor.

In regards of making fun of a friend, coworker or stranger, I believe everyone should have an open sense of humor and be able to take a few good-natured jabs. It keeps our egos in check and the ability to laugh at oneself is a great personality trait to possess. However, the old adage, "There's a time and a place for everything" is a very important thing to consider.

For example: Maybe you are hanging with your friends and make a hilarious point about how ridiculously cheap Theo can be. Everyone laughs but Theo, who has laughed and similar jokes before, and now Theo is going to stab you with a butter knife the second he gets you alone, or so says the look he is giving you. It turns out that you didn't take into account that the girl Theo has been trying to work up the nerve to ask out (and you knew that, you prick) is sitting at the same table and now she associates Theo as a cheap ass.
Time and a place.

This is but one of thousands of possible scenarios one might find themselves in, but the point is that you should always take a moment to observe your surroundings and assess the situation before you open your big retarded yapper, because while some people might just be overly sensitive, it's important to remember that you might not be sensitive enough.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Hilarious movie, not to be missed
Hey, the monkeys get it, what's our excuse??
Hey, the monkeys get it, what's our excuse?? | Source

Give Yourself A Strict And Thorough Review

This just means that you should observe the changes in others around you and take a hard look inside yourself if you ever find your friends turning on you. It's a common occurrence that when these things happen, the dickhead will just shrug it off and assume all his or her friends are lame and that the solution is to find new friends. Well remember that these people were once your friends and, while people do change, many times they are simply growing tired of your changes. Often, a good friend will attempt to point out another friends flaws in a respectable manner ("Sharon, you've been being a real turdknob lately and we're all sick of it."). Your inner jagoff might force you to return their honesty with hostility and therefore, nothing gets resolved and you're left clueless when your friends reach a breaking point with you.
So take a moment and ask yourself if any of your friends have mentioned, even subtly, that your behavior is causing them or the group unnecessary anguish at some point in recent memory and work to make amends or your friends will eventually leave you in the dust.

The ability to honestly assess yourself and make adjustments is a hard skill to learn but an invaluable one to have.

"Oh my god, the writer is right. I am such a tool!"
"Oh my god, the writer is right. I am such a tool!" | Source

Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You And Stuff

Ahhh, the Golden Rule. It does not matter what religion you do, or do not, believe in, the Golden Rule rises above all religious notions into the higher realm of human courtesy. Have you ever stopped and thought about the nature of it? It's the Golden Rule, as in THE rule. One rule to rule them all. A rule does not get deemed the ultimate rule for nothing.
This shit is important.

It's also ridiculously simple to follow and yet it's almost always broken. People are, by our very nature, self-serving and petty creatures and this rule was put into effect to help use rise above that fact and become happier individuals as well as a better functioning society. Do not dismiss the importance of the golden rule.

Some examples:

If you feel like crap when people ignore you, don't ignore other people. Nobody likes feeling like they don't matter or even exist.

If you hate it when people cut you off when you're driving, don't cut other people off when you're driving.

If it breaks your heart when people you care about lie to you, don't lie to the people who care about you (even if you don't care about them because, human decency.)

We all get the idea, right?

The Monkeysphere Theory (that's another article) states that we cannot really, truly care about more than 150 people but it doesn't prove we can't show an infinite number of our fellow human beings, i.e. other people who are just as scared, angry, dumb, horny, smart, funny, weird, and insecure as you are, some basic human courtesy.

In conclusion, if we completely abandon our ability to uphold the Golden Rule, then we are nothing more than a planet full of dicks.

Pictured: A literal planet of dicks.
Pictured: A literal planet of dicks.

Comments, Thoughts, Opinions and Shenanigans

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    • Andy McGuire profile imageAUTHOR

      Andy McGuire 

      8 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      It's the most amazing thing you'll read about in the history of always.

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 

      8 years ago from Canada

      You bring the funny sir and I like it. I must go look into this Monkeysphere theory of yours.

    • MissJamieD profile image


      8 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

      Well, you certainly are a mysterious chap. But that being said, I love this hub. It's so insanely true. I've written about being judgemental as well because I try to live by the Golden Rule and I cannot stand it when people are pre-judging about this, that, and the other at every turn. I thoroughly enjoy your humor:)

    • Andy McGuire profile imageAUTHOR

      Andy McGuire 

      8 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      That just might be the best compliment I've ever heard! Thanks!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Great hub! Good principles to live by.

    • Escobana profile image


      8 years ago from Valencia

      "The ability to honestly assess yourself and make adjustments is a hard skill to learn but an invaluable one to have."

      Since you got my attention earlier on with a question you asked, which was no question really, I could already sense the kind of humor you love.

      My kind of humor:) and therefor I had to copy that one specific sentence in your well written Hub! A skill like that is a very hard one to learn indeed but if you get the hang of works!

      Self-mockery is vital to me. Without it my life would be way too serious.

      I can see how well you combine your talent as a writer with your sense of humor and your perfect observations.

      Keep up the work and Hublove will come to you!

      Up, shared and awesome Hub!

    • Andy McGuire profile imageAUTHOR

      Andy McGuire 

      8 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      I appreciate the glowing review! If nothing else, I am a very offbeat guy.

    • jlpark profile image


      8 years ago from New Zealand

      I think this is an awesome hub - important message, given in an offbeat, and off guard kind of way - makes you take it on board without realising it!. I like. Voted up and awesome of course

    • Cathy Dudek profile image

      Cathy Dudek 

      8 years ago

      One rule to rule them all! Love the Lord of the Rings reference :)

    • bizarrett81 profile image

      Elizabeth Barrett Kearney 

      8 years ago from Maine

      "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You And Stuff" Haha this is a great article. Very funny and clever and still delivers an important message. Voted up and awesome!


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