Same Mistake Twice
A few days ago I was unloading groceries when my sister walked into the kitchen berating me and calling me lazy. I was blindsided and confused because here I am unloading the damn groceries. She tells me that she has to do so much and I'm lazy and do little to nothing. I asked her if she wanted an apology she said no. I asked her if there were more groceries she said no. So WTF did she want; I asked and she continued to go ape s$!t over how she had to do so much and I so little.
Only one of us has spent seven years in college pulling her way through. Only one of us has been an unpaid maid for 21 years. Only one of us is healing (at least trying to heal) from narcisstic abuse. Only one of us has been homeless for four years straight. Only one of us has been striving and fighting to obtain a professional job while fighting post graduate depression. Yet I'm the lazy one.
What I learned from this is it's not just this pettily thing that fired me up. It's the fact that she's the slob and reflecting her reality onto me. It's the fact that she apologized later and claims it's because she's tired. When we were kids her excuse then was she didn't care. Since we've been adults she screams she's tired and that's a legitimate excuse for her low emotional intelligence. She's claims she's a tired single parent and deserves sympathy for being so. But, these were her life choices to become...yet she feels the world owes her for being so. Furthermore, I must feel responsible for her lack of energy, plus run my life, plus raise her kids since I have none. My sister's problems are everyone's fault especially mine...but never her own.
My sister hid in plain sight being the vampire she's always been. Manipulating me, playing me off, pretending to be loyal to me, and playing both sides of the fence...only to screw me later. Just like all the other narcs and vamps that came in and out of my life she used and discarded me repeatedly. The problem she has today is I'm no longer participating in this cycle anymore. Not with her or anyone else that tries. Why? Because I'm tired.
The problem I have like many empaths is accepting the hard truth that I allowed this to happen. How could I be so stupid? How could I give so much of myself, life, and my 20s! How could I give my power to people who were so undeserving? Why didn't I love myself enough? Why didn't I care about myself enough to respect myself and stick up for myself? And do I in this moment love and respect myself enough even though I have no where to go to leave?!
For a second time in four years I turned up couch serving in her house. Like a classic narc she made promises of how things will be different and what she can help me with. When I least expected it like she always has done, she pulled the rug right from under me and left me vulnerable and in a shaky place. But this time I'm not feeling hopeless and depressed. I'm feeling pissed and angry.
Because of this, I finally have no more energy to be used. I can only go twice as hard to make decisions for me and put myself first. Being toyed with and discarded by narcs is a beautiful thing because it can really piss you off. That anger may be what you need to become self reliant and independent. I mean who wants an asshole in their life that comes and goes when they want to when you can have peace without them? That pisses a narcissist off and that is the sweetest revenge.
You're probably wondering the history between us. If you're guessing there's more to this story you're probably right. Am I looking for sympathy...hell no. Do I want to patch things up...hell no. What am I gonna do...good question. Have I learned my lesson? Well as the saying goes fool me once (or fool me for a couple decades) shame TF on you. Fool me twice (or attempt a third decade) shame TF on me.
I have two questions. Why did I think she had my best interest? And why TF did I take her word over my intuition?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2019 Lola Loray