ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

On Giving Up

Updated on June 28, 2011
My niece and I, back when I was happier.
My niece and I, back when I was happier.

Successful Living Is Just Too Hard Sometimes

For Sale: A 24-year old college student struggling to earn her Bachelor's Degree. Is intelligent, world-weary, and disappointed in the lack of opportunity in today's modern society. Item for sale has already earned her Associate's Degree, but under no circumstances should be considered for any serious commitments due to the fact that she is still an undergraduate and struggles financially on a daily basis. This individual is willing to learn new skills or expound upon those already in existence, and holds great experience in the fields of family turmoil, being looked down upon, not being good enough, and simply trying to survive. In purchasing this item for sale, the buyer accepts all responsibilities for the individual not meeting expectations and failing to achieve what the more affluent members of society consider "success."

Selling My Soul

There once was a time when I was full of dreams. I wanted to do everything and anything, and I wanted to be the best at something. I was unassuming, gracious, forgiving, and in love with the opportunities that life seemed to offer.

Now, I often wonder what happened to that person. That girl, who loved with such a huge and open heart but who always seemed to serve as a moving target for pain and a loss of hope, has disappeared. And in her stead is a woman both weary of life's battles and tired of merely being herself.

But more so than this, I ponder what sin I had committed in my past that would serve as the basis for such incredible suffering and sadness. I look around myself and, whereas there are people suffering in much the same manner as I, I wonder what horrible and grotesque acts I have exclusively performed to have earned such a loss of faith. And hope. And dreams. For now, I am merely existing in a state of emotional turbulence, never to ascend that youthful ladder of self fulfillment again.

I am selling my soul on a daily basis. I sacrifice constantly to make ends meet. There are times when I just simply cannot afford food. I have done the best I can and to what avail? My most prized possession is my home, which has offered me a place of refuge far from the tragedies that have shattered my family. I am too tired to enjoy living, for selling oneself on employment websites every day is draining on one's self worth. Merely waking up in the morning to commute to my dead-end job is a task for which I have not the energy, if only because I know that I am wasting away, hardly using the talents which I so flaunted early on in life.

How is that people can so easily dismiss me on account of information? Why was I, at one very recent point in my life, a total and utter force to be reckoned with and now am merely a waterspout? A rustling of leaves on a busy city sidewalk used by entrepreneurs and socialites, future conquerors of distant countries, current possessors of wealth and prosperity? What have I done to differ so greatly from these individuals who think nothing of the trials of my life?

I Have Tried....

....to be a good person. I have tried to save people, help those in need, send a little bit of hope in these dark times to others who may cling to it as if to a life line. I feel in my soul the pain and anguish of every homeless person I pass on the streets; veterans from foreign wars, once hailed as heroes, now regarded as the filth of the country; people who have lost their jobs, their spouses, their children, their homes, and for what? Why do these awful things happen to good, hardworking people?

I find myself wondering why the individuals I currently work with are employed while others are not. These people complain, manipulate, bemoan, and trash the reputations of others while earning a living which requires no power of the mind whatsoever. How have I ended up here, with these harpies, these coworkers of mine that would so forcefully throw one of their own under the proverbial bus and then smile delicately in that unfortunate person's face? Why has fortune smiled upon them and granted them decent-paying jobs while others of more solid moral fiber rot in the streets?


Humanity

A famous author once alluded to the idea that if a human being should ever lose their compassion for their fellows, they shall cease to be human, for compassion is what separates us from the animals. I know that one day, I will drag myself out of this miserable pit and become something. And whereas it may seem selfish for me to commiserate with myself, know that I also commiserate with those other people who share my exact same sentiments. For when I travel further down the road of life, perhaps with a little more money in my pocket, know that I will not shoulder past those hapless souls with outstretched hands, begging for humility and understanding. Rather, I will kneel before these people who were once me, grab their hands, and yank them to their feet.

Just Some Little Things To Look At

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • jjackson786 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jennifer 

      5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thank you, RJ, for your kind words. And yes, you are quite insightful :)

    • Reynold Jay profile image

      Reynold Jay 

      5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

      I read the above note and wonder, "Main Character?" Nope-I got it and of course this is you questioning virtually all you have been taught--now that your world has been turned upside down. In the event you are a reader, my trilogy, "Seeds from Heaven" cannot do any harm and may help you on your path. Begin with book one "Lean Against the Wind" and you will be on your way with this journey we call life. Free samples are posted at Amazon and my HUBS are free to all that include insights into my books with thoughts that are similar to yours.

      And you are an excellent writer--that is clear.

      RJ

    • NightFlower profile image

      NightFlower 

      6 years ago

      I really enjoyed this but not because the main character seems to be at the end of her rope but because this is something everyone goes through...it may last for some longer than others and that is the key. Look at it as a "phase" because all of the positive things she said she is or used to be are still there they just need a little rejuvenating and some readjustment. Trust me I've been there so this person shouldn't stay down to long but when she feels herself slipping into what feels like endless abyss...reinvent as in reinvent herself so that she can see things from a renewed angle. She should try it! It works! Well written and introspective.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)