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Go Fund My 'ism'!
I'll call it, 'Not For YOU People'. Catchy right?
I am going to open my own business. My business will be offering a service. I don't know what service I'm going offer yet, something with a low start up cost that won't require additional education, purchasing a storefront or anything like that. Maybe I will offer counseling services, Feng Shui interior decorating, fashion advice, psychic pet readings, whatever.
The type of service I offer doesn't matter, what matters is that I am going to deny said service to any same-sex couples. To dig that knife in a little deeper I'm going to also deny my services to the adopted children of any same-sex couples. That sounds really bad! I'm going to contact all of the news stations, media outlets, everyone I can think of and let them know that this is my decision and that I'm standing by it on the grounds of my blah blah freedom, of religion, of speech, of idiocy, I don’t care pick one. Then I'm going to sit back, put my feet up and wait for my money to start rolling in!
The Original Crowdfunding
Black hate's too popular. Jewish hate's too old-fashioned. Homophobia? Just right!
See, the business I will actually be in is one I won’t advertise, collecting money from those who want to fund discrimination and oppression. The service I will actually be offering will be to allow the bigots around the world to feel like they are helping to punish and eradicate all of the sinners and blasphemers of the world. Standing together in solidarity, shoulder to shoulder against those people who in looking or feeling a certain way are trying to push them (oops silly me I meant us) to the precipice of the apocalypse.
Pizza shops and ice cream parlors are making $80-$100,000 in just a few weeks exactly this way. I want my piece of the pie, my scoop of the…well you get the point. I could go another route. I could join the police academy NYPD, LAPD doesn't really matter almost any PD, and then just shoot an unarmed Black man or two. The racists, who wish they had pulled the trigger themselves will send plenty of dollars my way, each one a slap on the back or handshake for a job well done. Look at all of the money raised for Darren Wilson and George Zimmerman, far exceeding their legal fees. It’ll probably be awhile before either of them has to hold a day-to-day job.
Money was raised for Darren Wilson not just online, but also from the sale of t-shirts and buttons emblazoned with his name.
A few more and it won't even be news!
That’s too competitive though, there are so many officers doing that already. Beating, shooting, choking, killing Black males of all ages too so going younger wouldn’t shock anyone. Tamir Rice was only 12 years old when members of his local police department shot and killed him in a less than 20 second confrontation. That’s another thing, I’d have to be quick on the draw, can’t let the racists see any hesitancy in that shaky cell phone video, lest they doubt my commitment and begin to think my hatred is merely skin deep and doesn't go to the core. That whole area is just way too hard. I’d have to tie a Black man to a cross and set him on fire Easter Sunday just to get noticed!
That market is already so oversaturated.
Fingers crossed for a Twofer!
So that leaves the LGBTQ (did I get everyone?) community and man do they have their haters! Hey, maybe I’ll luck out and it’ll be a Lesbian (for the sexist homophobes), Black (for the racists), Muslim (I don’t know what ‘ism’ that falls under but it’s a hot one to hate these days) couple on the news tearfully explaining how much my actions have wounded them when they tried to hire me to DJ their wedding. I don’t know the first thing about how to DJ, but it’s okay, I’ll never have to!