ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How To Appear Like You Are a Normal Person (Humor)

Updated on September 29, 2009

It's relative

How to Appear Normal...

1) First off, don’t even try. It’s futile. Yet if you’re a sociable being, we still like to fit in somewhat with our peers. When we’re teens that is. When you’re old and gray, instead of abnormal, they just say it’s eccentricity.
Respecting your elders for eccentricity is not normal here, so refer to my opening statement once more.

2) Do not buy cheap underwear. You might be able to appear normal while wearing cheap underwear, but not if you’re on a dance floor doing a serious jitterbug and your underwear slip down to your knees. Then again, you could be clever and kick them to the side, then point at them exclaiming loudly that somebody has left their underwear on the floor! This is more normal than pulling them back up while everyone is watching.

3) If you want to appear normal do not give out friendly pecks on the cheek to a man on the dance floor, no matter how cute he is. This could lead to serious repercussions and end an otherwise good friendship. It is normal however for the entire dance club to begin placing bets that the abnormal display of affection means wedding bells are ringing.

4) It is normal to go out of your body and night and meet people you’ve known for like, centuries. There’s news to catch up on. However, normally speaking that is, it is abnormal to reveal to the cashier at Walmart that you talked with her last night and wasn’t it such a pleasant conversation?

5) If you want to keep your flawless reputation as a normal person I would advise you drink only two glasses of wine during a time period of 5 hours. Four glasses will yield up some memories which are rather vague and disquieting.

For example: I don’t know how I ended up in some old fart’s apt watching a 56 yr.tribute video of he and his dearly departed wife. It had to be the wine. I am so normal that I have never woken up in someone else’s house and had to ask for their ID. My friends tell me it is normal but I wonder. As a matter of fact my friend Jack the Kayaker has written 800 pages in his book of such normal activities, however, all of us thought at one time the world was flat and that too was considered quite normal.

6) If you’re a true gambler, it is not normal to pat your slot machine affectionately as if it can give you an erection of coin. But I’ll grant you, the player had a fun image in her head of being able to pay for her ride home. There’s only a 55% of winning on a slot machine. I don’t know if she won; I only know it didn’t work for me, and I'm a normal loser.

7) And number 7 leads us back to my starting premise. That is, as you go through life, learn to bend, but not to bend too far over, and practice the art of being abnormal for the insight that arrives from being a wild, crazy, guy, like Steve Martin, for instance. Being normal, is in the final analysis, like Einstien said, it’s all relative folks. All relative.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • LaughingRain profile image
      Author

      Alysia McAlister 8 years ago from Arizona

      naked bikeathon? wow. some people will do anything to get noticed. lol

    • AptTec55 profile image

      AptTec55 8 years ago

      Some times I worry about appearing normal to others,....but who doesn't? Yes its all relative...all relative...Live and Love, enjoy life to the fullest extent allowed by law...huh?

      Oh well..

      Was reading about the naked bikeathon in Philly...what a blast!

      Ric

    • keira7 profile image

      keira7 8 years ago

      Very good hub. Take care and good luck for the future.