I am Convinced That One (or More) of These 10 Things Got Me Thrown Out of The Miss America Pageant

Singing legend, Stevie Wonder should be singing, "Isn't She Lovely," as you scan down on this hub to view the lovely Miss America contestants whom I have chosen to grace my hub. Now I am so thankful that there is no such thing as a Mr. America Pageant.

I admit it. These girls are super-gorgeous. And talented. Great looks, talent, and plenty of charisma are the key ingredients in making a good pageant contestant. And I am the first to admit that competing in the Miss America, Miss Universe or the pageant that gets them named after their state is tough work. Bottom line is that all of the girls must bring their "A game" 24/7. These girls get my respect without argument.

That I could tell you the exact time, day and year that I was in attendance to enjoy the Miss America Pageant, but sadly, I cannot. Sometimes life is like that--confusing and mysterious to the mortal man and woman.

I do remember things going great. From getting my new tuxedo to reserving a great seat. Even the staff members who (worked) for Donald Trump were nice to me. Frankly I was almost in tears of joy how a guy from rural northwest Alabama was here hobnobbing and rubbing elbows with the elite people of New York and New Jersey. I felt out of place for a long time.

But when the pageant began, I forgot all about how my tux had a rip in the right leg and my shoes were a bit dirty because there were so much beauty walking on the magnificent stage that I was totally-lost in this wonderful event.

I awoke with a groggy head and sitting in a dim-lit room with the door locked from the outside. Why? I still wonder to this day. The room smelled like cigarette smoke and Dollar Store cologne. I almost vomited from the two stenches.

Then a muscular African-American staff member who could easily play middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears, opened the door and without a smile said, "You are free to go. And friend, let me advise you to NEVER come back to this pageant. Ever."

For weeks and months I worried about what transgression that I committed to make the Miss America Pageant kick me to the curb without cause. But this I do know . . .

I am Convinced That One (or More) of These 10 Things Got Me Thrown Out of The Miss America Pageant

• I must have not known it was improper to munch pickled pig's feet while sitting in the audience.
• I am always propping my feet up on the seats ahead when I go to a movie at a walk-in theater. I must have not thought and propped my feet up on some elegant lady's back in front of me.
• Somehow I must have whistled and yelled, "right on," as each of the beauties walked so gracefully onto the stage.
• Then again, I might have yelled, "Will you have dinner with me? I will buy."
• Or I could have been guilty of running up to the stage drooling all over myself when Miss Alabama walked up to the microphone to answer her question.
• Maybe me rolling in the floor in laughter at something the emcee said in his remarks made the pageant staff angry at me.
• I wonder if I slipped-off my pants that went with my tux because I was too hot because the pageant staff had the air conditioning set on low?
• Probably the matronly-woman sitting next to me was offended at how my breath smelled much like boiled eggs and red onions.
• Oh, it could have been the way my feet smelled like road-kill that got me kicked-out of the pageant for those shoes that went with my tuxedo were way too little and my feet were in misery.
• The only other reason is that I did NOT wear any deodorant. At all.

Suggestions That I Have to Improve The Miss America Pageant

• Please have a Miss Rural America Pageant. It cannot hurt. The beauties who compete in the Miss America or Miss Universe Pageant(s) will look just as good parading themselves on the stage of the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center, Birmingham, Al.
• Have the set to be designed as a barnyard with hay bales sitting around and farm tools such as a hoe, rake, and pitchfork standing against the wall.
• The emcee could be Toby Keith. He can do it. Hands down.
• Have the competitors dress in farm girl wardrobes--cut-off jeans, cowgirl boots, or denim skirts and silk blouses.
• Have Hog Calling and Setting-out Tomato Plants as two of the main competitions.
• The musical talent segment is limited to only Country Music songs and tunes.

I still don't know what happened to me, but I think it gave me a good shot of creativity.