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Unlikely, But Entertaining, Presidential Candidates for 2012

Updated on June 21, 2011
Howard Stern. The Whitehouse Under Stern Management
Howard Stern. The Whitehouse Under Stern Management

We all let our imaginations run wild with the possibility of Donald Trump for president. It was a glorious ( albeit short) period of time that we all took pleasure in mentally firing many of the detested politicians, one by one. It also wasn't too hard to imagine what it would be like to see the look on Obama's face when Trump says "You're fired"! Oh how I wish this dream was reality, but Trump is not likely going to be our next president (pouty frown on my face).

However, all this talk of Trump being president got me wondering what it would be like if some other well-known people were president. Well, really if anyone but Obama was president, not to mention the long line of same ol' garbage presidential hopefuls holding babies, robbing seniors, and shaking hands with the devil. At this point I could see ANYBODY else in the white house.

Will Smith; Because he is hotter than Obama and he can play any lead role.
Will Smith; Because he is hotter than Obama and he can play any lead role.
Oprah Winfrey declares puppies for everyone when she becomes president!
Oprah Winfrey declares puppies for everyone when she becomes president!
Robin Williams; He just gets it- the issues both men and women face.
Robin Williams; He just gets it- the issues both men and women face.
Criss Angel; someone who is more mysterious than Obama
Criss Angel; someone who is more mysterious than Obama

Meet Your Candidates

America, if you really must have an African American president with slightly protruding ears, might I suggest Will Smith. He's much hotter than Obama and can rock the 'Men in Black' suit a lot better. Otherwise, I present to you some great choices for the 2012 presidential campaign.

Howard Stern:The Shock Jock, and one of our Independent candidates. He will be formerly addressed as 'Mr. Asshole President Sir'- it's considered a term of endearment to him. It's easy to be president, but not everyone can be an asshole and he's had a long career perfecting the art.

Law- The first law to pass under his rule is called 'Screw Censorship and the fat f**#$*'n horse she rode in on'. Glenn Beck has a few words to say about this, but then again, who the hell cares?

Economy- Howard seems to know how to make money out of shoe boxes, and most importantly he has a way with the ladies. He's combined those talents with an idea of multiple (mass) car washes across the nation with his harem of hot sexy babes to do the washing. All proceeds go toward the national debt. The national debt is proposed to be relieved in 3 weeks of hardcore car washing.

Please note, all press conferences and speeches by him will be held late night sometime between 11 p.m. and 3 a.m. You don't like it, eat Sh*t.

Robin Williams: Weren't we saying that we need someone in office with a decent sense of humor? He's our man and he's just nutty enough to accept the job. I am tired of presidents pretending to have a sense of humor with ill-timed jokes and meager attempts at funny. If we want real funny, Williams' wit is all improv which would be a nice change from the teleprompter president Obama. I'm already laughing imagining Williams impersonating the various people in congress and representatives from other nations. How long has it been since anyone was entertained at a press conference?

War- "Gooooooood Morning Vietnam". He will provide the wars and the entertainment!

Unemployment- Have a good laugh, it'll make you feel better about being unemployed.

Healthcare- Laughter is the best medicine.

Oprah Winfrey: You know we won't hear the last of her until she becomes president of the United States and just gets it over with. I believe the entire nation is ready for an Oprah 'A-ha moment'. Actually the disclosure of the national debt should have been an awakening A-ha moment. You can't get any more progressive than a black woman for president. She got the talk show, the TV network, the magazine, so president seems to be the next logical choice.

Immigration- they're all our friends. Let's just love each other and meet every Wednesday night for Oprah's book club. We'll have some red wine for the health preserving anti-oxidants (Lord knows Oprah is 80 and still looks the same year after year) and we'll hold hands to feel one another's inner self speaking.

Economy- No worries, haven't you seen an Oprah show with all the huge giveaways? Free stuff from Oprah everyone! Mondays, free Oprah self-help workshops, Tuesdays, she'll be giving away cars, Wednesdays, people have a choice of owning their own business or talk show, etc. You get the point. It's raining Oprah gifts!

Hulk Hogan: I know what you're thinking, 'Such an obvious choice'. But still, I'll explain. It's been a long time since we had a president in tights (think Thomas Jefferson or George Wasington) and it seems the country was in better hands when men wore tights. The Hulk has a special neon yellow pair of spandex tights selected for the inauguration party. His plans don't extend far beyond that, but he has assured us that many select people in congress will be put in a head lock immediately.

Cleaning up congress- He's going to throw his first move, The Finisher, on Obama. And he's saved a special move, the Brainbuster, for Nancy Pelosi. Vice president Biden hasn't done ANYTHING, I mean anything, so The Hulk will spare him. Indecisiveness on issues or deadlocked votes in the White House will be resolved with good ol' fashioned arm wrestling.

Foreign Policy- When asked about foreign policies, The Hulk replied, 'This is America BROTHER, it's our way or no way. Take no prisoners, BROTHER'. Red, White, and blue bandannas for all American Citizens. If you don't receive a bandanna it means you're not a citizen so go home. You'll be personally escorted out of our country by 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and Grave Digger, overseen and coordinated by Jesse Ventura.

Criss Angel: American illusionist, performer, and modern day magician, The Mindfreak. This man is as mysterious as Obama's birth certificate. He's most famous for his walking on water stunt. If we can't elect Jesus into office, Criss could possibly be the next best thing. After all, we're used to smoke and mirrors in congress or is that blowing smoke? At least he's Jewish so I'm pretty sure our money will be in good hands.

Jobs- he can make them reappear!

National debt- he can make it disappear!

Cleaning up congress- Criss is a hypnotist so he will be putting all the dead weights to sleep. Politicians like Anthony Weiner will be made to bark like the dog he is.

Brangelina. Because beauty always wins.
Brangelina. Because beauty always wins.
Martha Stewart. The White House never looked better, the linens never fresher, the silver never shinier, and the pillows never plumper.
Martha Stewart. The White House never looked better, the linens never fresher, the silver never shinier, and the pillows never plumper.
The Sheen Dream
The Sheen Dream

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: They will be running as one person and prefer to be addressed as 'Brangelina'. We don't know much about the vice president other than her name is Alice and she will mostly oversee Brangelina's Brady bunch as full-time babysitter and house maid. Brad and Angelina will save the world by adopting everybody. Press conferences will be for signing autographs- one of them might take off their shirt too! This will be censored on Fox.

Taxes- Since they have a zoo full of kids, they are 100% on board will be rewarding those with the most kids through tax breaks and welfare- business as usual. The fast food tax will finally be imposed because if Angelina doesn't need to eat, no one else does either.

Natural disaster relief funds- Neither of them will be bugged unless it's an actual disaster like Angelina's bad hair days or Brad is out of oil to rub on his bare chest, in which all available re-enforcements will be called upon.

Martha Stewart: First of all I happen to think she is one of the most qualified of our candidates with a very notable career complete with a criminal record. The mark of a great politician is one who has a criminal history, maintains their innocence, but is still found guilty. The domestic goddess did her time and has made an entirely bigger and better career for herself once released.

Napkin folding tips and Ambrosia salad recipe- Fold the napkin in half diagonally to form a triangle, and iron flat. Fold in two corners along the fold, and press one at a time...Oh come on, let's just say the staff at the White House would be the finest trained cooks, interior decorators, and house servants ever, by the time she was done with her term. Everyone will have intricately knitted sweaters for their pooches too.

Shipping jobs overseas- teach people in America how to sew and make things from scratch and recyclables, therefore we become self-sustaining. For workers still needed outside of the U.S., send the factories (sweat shops) beautiful floral arrangements to boost morale and productivity.

Charlie Sheen: Why not? The country is already going to pot. How bad could it get with Charlie? He never blunders over his words like George W. Bush and he never needs a teleprompter like Obama. He just shoots from the hip with shining Sheen quote doozies such as, "I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.” "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning". “I think I’m worth over a 100 BILLION dollars, but that’s just on a cellular level.” "I'm not Thomas Jefferson, he was a pussy."

Vote Now

Who are you voting for in 2012?

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