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Inside the Republican Mind

Updated on September 30, 2012

It's so nice to come to and address you. My fellow 53 percent who have staved the tide of this incompetent incumbant socialist Barack Obama. It's important that you understand our point of view...well...until we're elected of course. Then it doesn't matter what you think, and there will be nobody who agrees with you because 9/11 was profound...and education has been systematically bastardized and weakened. They're all gonna laugh at you. Even as you try to help them. That's what you get for having something to "offer". That's what you get for choosing to go outside your family for your sexual gratification. You snobby elite of food stamp recipients, basement writers and graphic novelists and minimum wage graduate students. F*ck you.

Democrats are stupid. All corporations are honest and fair and have done nothing but earn our trust. If you give them more money, they will naturally use it to create new jobs in America. That's the way it's always been. There's no greed amongst the rich. That's preposterous! If there was, don't you think the great George W. Bush would have put an end to it? He was born in the poor mudhills of Crawford Texas with nothing but a cowboy hat and a dream. And look at him today.

Americans who don't like the Republicans...are not Americana. They are Ameri-Quada.

I will address the less important things first...


50 people last time out committed voter fraud. 50! That's not 49, that's not even 26! 50. That would make it not only a problem, but an epidemic. There is a real crisis going on when people board a bus that picks them up from their place of worship and takes them collectively to go vote on Election Day. This disregards Chevrolet, Standard Oil, Harkin, and thus the Carlyle Group, not to mention numerous good segregationists hard at work intimidating black people at the polls who would otherwise come in smaller, less imposing groups. F*ck you. Vote for us!


What America needs badly right now are lots and lots and lots and lots of starving children. And we cannot accomplish this goal unless we block economic opportunity AND make abortions illegal nationwide. What woman would lay any of us unless we were the last men on Earth? Until we finally get our great land nuked by provoking former international allies and smart computer geniuses at home, the best way to accomplish being the last men on Earth is to make every other man poor as hell by comparison. You see, when man was invented 3,000 years ago and rode dinosaurs to jobs at the rock quarry and said yabba-dabba-do, he needed something to beat up on which couldn't fight back because that's simply smart business. And so he invented woman. But ever since then, the "woman" has gotten way out of line. They actually demanded to be treated like people. True -- scientists say they're people, but what has a scientist EVER proven to know? Women walk around this world actually having the nerve to think they should have a say over their own bodies. They believe that one should have sex for pleasure yet not one of them has ever wanted to have sex with us. We're tired of being stuck with the Ann Romneys and Nancy Reagens and Ann Coulters while you n-word loving liberals get to have fun, exciting relationships. You don't deserve to have love and respect from a woman for free while we have billions and can't. If you get pregnant, miss Trixie, miss Hotsy-Totsy, it's what you GET. F*ck you. Vote for us!


War is cool. It looks like so much fun! How could you not sign up? You wanna let the terrorists win? Where's your respect for our country that we personally didn't do a single tour for? Don't you know 9-11 happened? Besides, Americans are dumb enough to think that we value an American life over all other ones. If you elect me, Paul Ryan, and Mitt Romney president, I tell you we will cut trillions of pork from the budget...pork being "care for wounded veterans". They got injured! What losers! And what totally useless people they are. I mean I'm TIRED of a veteran's whining ooohh I fought for my country I fought for my country...we can get someone else to take your place, ya know. I mean how stupid do you have to be to get injured in war anyway? We play paintball. We hunt quail in closed off parks. Not ONE of us has come back paralyzed and we play with 90 year old men. Besides, we have valuable corporate owners and shareholders, ya know. If you can't work, you're no good to us. And on this whole "budget" matter...look...I think we can all agree that if poor people are gonna fight the wars that poor people didn't vote for, they should also have to flip the bill. You're slowing down business for about six of us, and if you slow down business for a select few of us who keep all the money, you slow down America. Just do what we tell you you sheep. What's that? You don't believe in killing other poor people who did nothing to you? Uh...I think I smell a wuss, how about you? F*ck you. Vote for us!


How can you be poor? Where did all your vast billion-dollar inheritances go? Clearly it went to crack and dice games and fried chicken and watermelon. Didn't it, brotha? F*ck you. Vote for us!

How can you be old? I'm only in my forties. You must have been born old. Is that what happened? See the problem with old people is that they have no idea how hard it is to be a parent. Do they need medicine nearly as much as our daughters need more islands? I don't think so you socialists. F*ck you. And your grandma too. Vote for us!

How can you be sick? Oh I know! Because you don't accept personal responsibility for your own health. It's the only solution. I mean look at us...healthy as horses.

I assume that you are a good Christian. Well...that's EXACTLY what we're counting on. If you're a good Christian, chances are when we say Country First, you'll applaud. If we say "American flag", damn if you won't dance. As you know...welfare must be taken from the poor and given to the rich. It's only the Christian thing to do.

F*ck you. Vote for us!


It is not the f*cking president's job to make things better for his people! That's the very DEFINITION of anti-patriotism. If we don't tank this economy, then Obama will get credit for a flourishing one. Then who knows what will WASPs are the biggest minority in America. There's no place for a rich man in this country run by the middle class. If you make the rich pay the same percentage as everyone else, that's basically like saying that people you know are beneath you should be able to have care. I mean, is that what your religion taught you? Did you ever give a notion of thought towards how much it pains your rich bretheren to have to get their hands dirty with the consequences of their own policies? F*ck you. Vote for us!


The key to successful education is to make teachers accountable. Because anything that goes wrong in your kid's life is their fault. They only have 38 kids to a classroom now because of us, our personal savior Dick "God" Cheney was a CEO of a corporation. That has plenty of people, and he was able to do his job. We simply don't see what the difference is. The Democrats hate No Child Left Behind because it establishes minimal requirements...thereby diverting resources from the gifted kids and gives it to all the morons who will forget everything and spit on it all anyway. What in the world is wrong with that? What more do gifted kids want? None of them are ever picked on for their uncooked, ignored potential! And if so...f*ck em! Tryin' to be all book-learned and what not. Dat's how ya git yerself a Democrat. Ah...gifted kids are femmes. Smarts are for nerds. French people. F*ck you. Vote for us!


The rich are naturally better then you. You can tell this because we give them all the help in the world and ignore everyone else. That's how you can tell they've all made it on their own merit. F*ck you. Vote for us!


Excuse me but I was in the Alps last year and there was snow all over. Once again, Correct People 1 -- Scientists 0. F*ck you. Vote for us!


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    • Wizard Of Whimsy profile image

      Wizard Of Whimsy 

      6 years ago from The Sapphire City

      This is funny satire—dance your dance!


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