Make America Sane Again: King Donald 1? Now I Understand

“Before his victory speech, Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast, which was a tough decision, because on the one hand, he doesn’t like to pray, but on the other hand, he loves breakfast. So, he went. He used it as an opportunity to lash out at those who oppose him, just as Jesus would have done.” 

Jimmy Kimmel

We are so lucky. We have a king who knows everything about everything. He is such a stable genius and is a legend in his own mind.

Like so many of us lesser Americans, I was scared when the senate acquitted our Fearless Leader. I hated that he was supported by a kangaroo court composed of lazy Republican senators. But now, I realize I was wrong.

The King knows all, sees all and does nothing but wonderful things for this country. Don't believe me: Just ask him. Fifty-three Trump toadies can't be wrong. Blind loyalty to a tyrant is okay if it serves the greater good -- even if it doesn't.

John Bolton and Lev Parness and other people in Trump's administration don't know as much as Moscow Mitch and his Republican Bully Band. Well, maybe they know more, but party loyalty is much more important than loyalty to the American public. We all know that, but the Democrats and Mitt Romney sort of forgot. Gaud, people with consciences can be annoying!

The King and his court are reviewing John Bolton's book, which he only wrote to spill national secrets. Mitt Romney doesn't really have faith; after all, if he did, he would acknowledge that Donald Trump has done more for Christianity than Jesus himself. Don't forget, the Donald is the chosen one. After all, he said so.

Nancy Pelosi tore up her copy of his State of the Union screed because she just doesn't understand how wonderful the King is. She prayed for him, but she didn't clear it with him first, which is why God didn't hear her. The only reason he didn't shake hands with her in front of millions of TV watchers is he was afraid of getting liberal cooties, which you must understand is more dangerous than the Coronavirus flu.

Besides, who has a right to question the King's motives? He'll explain himself on Twitter like any other self-respecting junior high kid. We'll have to wait until he comes down from Mount Sinai with the new commandments. Ain't it special how he can run such a big country in 280 characters or less?

If you don't think Trump is the best thing for Christians since what's His name, ask Pat Robertson and other Christian leaders. As you know, Pat heals people on the 700 Club all the time. All you need is a TV or an Internet connection to benefit from his personal relationship with the Almighty. He regularly prays away such medically challenging conditions as cancer and arthritis.

Pat had a dream. You know, like Martin Luther King, Jr., only a lot weirder. Well, Pat was dozing off one night planning a new way to defraud the credulous believers who watch his show, when suddenly he was transported to heaven. There, he saw God sitting on his celestial throne. Guess who was sitting on his right hand? If you guessed that Jesus guy, you would be wrong. No, sitting on the right hand of God, happily munching a bag of Cheetos and drinking a diet coke was none other than our own Donald J. Trump!

I bet that honked off Lucifer big time. After all, he thought Trump belonged to him, just as the rest of us assumed. That'll teach Jesus a lesson about wandering off to the refrigerator during the commercials!

I always pay my debts. I was mistaken about our glorious president. I've said some snotty things about him in the past and in the future, but the Christian right set me straight. After all, I have both a TV and an Internet connection.

So, to show that my heart is in the wrong place, I'll offer my considerable writing skills to The Donald for a few million dollars. I will write speeches for him that will rouse his base just like he does. My only stipulation besides a good medical plan, including psychiatric treatment, is that I refuse to wear one of those funny little red hats. It would clash with my logo.

To: His Excellency, Maker of Perfect Phone Calls and Stable Genius Supreme

From: Lucille Uttermohlen

Small Town, Indiana

PH: None of your bleeping business

Dear Most Excellent Leader of the World,

I don't want to tell you about your business. After all, you already know everything, and a mere mortal such as myself can't possibly say anything to you that hasn't already occurred to you since you know everything in the universe worth knowing. Being the patriot that I am, I do have one bit of advice that will enhance the shock value of your rallies, and give your Christian supporters something to think about this Sunday.

In my opinion, you don't swear enough. Sure, you still get people excited with chants like "Lock her up" and "send them back", but these chants have lost their magic. Even your frequent references to male bovine excrement don't give your Christian supporters the thrill such expletives used to enjoy.

What I can do is help you revitalize your base by getting a whole audience of evangelicals to chant the F-bomb in unison. Believe me, it will give you tons of the kind of publicity you love. Even fake news outlets like the Washington Post, the New York Times and CNN will cover all of your rallies and will be delighted to report your speeches in the fair and balanced way that you have come to expect from your friends at Fox News.

Come on, you big bleeping orange SOB, what do you have to lose? Why I guarantee you that I can write you a speech that will be one big bleep from beginning to end. I attach my resume and some real testimonials that I just made up.

August 1989: Date when candidate started enhancing her considerable 4 letter word vocabulary after purchasing her first computer.

June 1, 1995 — June 3, 1995: Candidate jailed for contempt of court because circuit court was not impressed with candidate's in-court conversation with computer.

July 4, 2000: Candidate proved beyond a scientific doubt that you don't need matches to set off fireworks. Local fire department still wonders what caused the explosion.

2005: Expanded language skills of 30 preschoolers when one of them spilled Kool Aid on candidate's new computer during her "Stranger Danger" presentation.

2010: Caused 2 coronaries and 10 fainting spells in church parking lot when Candidate described the salutary effects of accidently slamming finger in car door.

November 3, 2016: Publicly expressed her feelings about the presidential election. Candidate admits that no one could hear what she said because so many others were similarly engaged. Nevertheless, Candidate can assure you that her verbal prose was loud and colorful.

Lucille who? Oh yeah, she's the one who screamed profanities and woke everyone in the hospital up when she saw the bill for the 5 stitches we gave her after she broke a window in frustration. When? According to our records, it was on November 3, 2016. No, I don't know what set her off. Jane F. Wuzzy, R.N.

Look, we've all moved to 3 different states and changed our names several times just so we wouldn't have to admit that we know her. But, yeah, we did have to go to school covered with dirt and smelling like hogs a lot of the time because Mom had fed Lucille all of the soap. - Lucille's siblings who prefer to remain anonymous.

I learned a lot from raising Lucille. Of course, there was the new swear word she invented to describe her brother when he beat her at Monopoly. And, there was that time in church -- But, I would say the biggest lesson I learned is that Lucille preferred the taste of Ivory above all bar soaps. In fact, she is the only person I ever knew who wasn't glad I used Dial. - Lucille's mother, courtesy of the Witness Protection Program

Dear Ms. Uttermohlen,

I regret to inform you that President Trump cannot use your services. He has never had a speechwriter because he doesn't feel he needs one. His general method is to make sh*t up as he goes along. That way, he can lie and insult people as he goes so that he will have fresh material for his daily Twitter rants.

Happily, enough, an alert White House janitor noticed your submission when he was cleaning out the bottoms of the birdcages in the White House basement. He brought it to my attention, and I am pleased to offer you a job.

It seems that our new Marine recruits are having some trouble describing their military training to their families at home. It is not good for our troops to be perceived as sissies either to the world at large or to their mothers and grandmothers.

Unfortunately, some of them have found polite ways to talk about such military traditions as latrine duty and 5:00 a.m. marching drills. If we don't teach them the proper jargon, their relatives will think that we are training a bunch of wusses.

If one of these dandified letters made its way to the Taliban, they might assume that our fighting men and women would do better at a tea party then a firefight.

So, have your lardy a** here at 5:00 a.m. Monday morning to start training the new class of Marines, or you'll force us to offer the job to the next applicant. Hurry, a lot of our recruits don't want to have Ivanka as an instructor.

You only have to wear the little red hat during target practice. Don't panic. None of our recruits are good shots.