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Make America Sane Again: Sample Corrrespondence With One Of Donald's Adoring Fans

Updated on November 3, 2019

From the Campaign Headquarters of Make America Sane again


Donald Trump, the Chammpion of the First Amendment

“I’d like to punch him in the face, I tell ya.”

Trump, referring to a protester being escorted out during a Feb. 22, 2016 rally in Las Vegas.

No, Jesus Wasn't My Uncle, He Was Our Gardener

Donald Trump, Super Star
Donald Trump, Super Star | Source

Correspondence between a Spoiled Child and a Young Girl

Dear Mr. Trump,

It's not right that those stupid, low IQ people are trying to get you fired. Here all you wanted to do was give yourself a little job security, and a bunch of those whiners that work for you are trying to crucify you. They just don’t get who’s the boss.

America was in such bad shape before you got here. My parents wouldn't let me have my own phone, and my nosey little sister found my make-up stash. My grades were in the toilet, and I was always grounded for kissing boys.

Before I found you on Twitter, the only people I had to talk to were the stupid kids in my class at school. All they want to discuss is boys and make-up. That's pretty much my favorite topic, too, but when I read your tweets, I feel like you and I are about the same age.

I really love knowing an adult who thinks about stuff like I do. Most politicians act like grown-ups, and they bore the heck out of me. They don’t call each other names, and they don't realize how important it is to protect us from people like cher, Rosie O’Donnell and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

Thanks for making homework so much more fun. My grades haven't improved, but the look on my civics’ teacher's face when I tell her about some of the things you come up with is worth a little detention. She thinks she knows everything there is to know about government, but she doesn't even have a Twitter account!

I quoted some things you said on our school's bathroom wall, and now I am getting suspended. Can you give me a pardon?


Dear {name}

Thanks for joining

As you know, the Democrats are always spreading lies about me. Their lap dogs at the fake news spreads those lies even further. Obama helps spread those lies, and so does everybody else who isn’t patriotic.

You might think I get enough money from corporations and Wall St., and I do. It's just that Trump, Inc. has fallen on hard times, and our assets have dwindled by several hundred dollars. That is why we need you to make up the difference.

Remember, a vote for Trump is a vote for the chosen one, and a vote for Democrats is a vote for high taxes, runaway government spending and dirty movies in our elementary schools.

Each donation helps, but the bigger the better.

Donald J. Trump

Son of Frederick Christ

More Touching Correspondence Between Trump and his biggest -- (after himself of course) Fan

Dear Mr. Trump,

Don't you just hate it when people horn in on your private phone calls? Just last night, I was talking to my BFF, Kyleigh, and her mother sent her little brother in to call her for dinner. The little creep had been listening to our talk because Kyleigh's phone was on speaker because we were talking while she was getting ready for a date.

Well, I was telling Kyleigh that I had a crush on her older brother, Jeff. I told her she could pretend she was at my house when she was actually going out on a date if she would just introduce me. He has his own car, and he is soooo cute.

She was surprised. She said I had already told her I would cover for her, and she said Jeff already had a girlfriend. She didn't think it was fair for me to change the terms of our agreement when chase was already on his way over to my house to meet her. She didn't want to ask Jeff to go out with me right then because if she asked Jeff to go out with me, he might find out about Chase and tell their mom.

I told Kyleigh to change her attitude if she wanted to meet Chase at my house. If she couldn't find it in her heart to introduce me to Jeff, I wouldn't help her get by her mother ever again. I told her that she didn't have to introduce me tonight, but that members of my posse would be in touch to make the arrangements.

Before you knew it, both of us were grounded. Can you believe that? I am 12, and Kyleigh is 10. It's not like we're babies. We can't help it if high school boys think we're cute.

That wasn't even the worst part! By the time I went to school the next day, our private conversation was all over. Kids couldn't talk about anything else but me trying to date a college man. Even reminding them that a mature sophisticated person like me couldn't be expected to date the little boys in the seventh grade didn't shut them up. It's not like I was the first girl who ever sent a naked picture of herself to a cute guy.

Well, naturally I tried to deny the whole embarrassing thing, just like you did with the Ukrainian guy. If it's any comfort to you, the same thing is happening to me. I had to give one kid a bloody nose for saying that I was the reason Kyleigh was grounded and the police wanted to talk to Jeff. Geesh All this grief for one perfectly innocent phone call.

Anyway, don't let the Congress get you down. Just keep reminding them who they're supposed to serve, and make sure they do it or else.



Dear *first Name(,

I am always happy to hear from my supporters. It is very important that we defeat those unamerican socialist criminals who voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016.

I would like to send you your very own MAGA hat so you can prove your loyalty to me to the whole world. I can also get you a t-shirt, a a pair of cargo shorts, a canteen and specially made panties (girl's sizes only), all with my picture and logo plastered all over them.

As you know, it costs a lot of money to run a political campaign. I only have a couple billion myself, so I am in desperate need of contributions. That is why I have to charge $15 for a funny little red hat. Of course, you can always spring for our deluxe package, and get everything mentioned here for the low price of just $250.

You can pay on-line, and there is no limit to the contributions I will accept. If you don't believe me, ask Volodymyr Zelensky.

I did not get a quid pro quo. Some big mouth turned me in before I had a chance to get one, whatever that is. I just wish people would quit using those big legal terms to try to confuse me.

Anyway, donate often and buy a lot of stuff from our on-line store. You don't want those stupid *@! Democrats to run our country into the ground when I can do it much more efficiently and without raising your taxes.

Thanks again for fighting with me to prevent socialism, women's rights and any criticisms of yours truly,

Donald J. Trump

Son of Frederick Christ

To A Man Who Sets Young Girl's Hearts aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

I was trying to come up with the money you need. I didn't get paid for baby-sitting last night. My boyfriend came to visit while I was working, and the police came soon after. The parents cut their evening short, and I had to come home.

I don't know how I'll get another baby-sitting job to come up with the money. There's no such thing as work release in juvenile detention. However, there are a few kids here who are younger than me, and I'll convince them that it is in their best interest to help.

I am not friends with Kyleigh anymore. Her mother won't even let me call her. It has something to do with her thinking I'm a bully and a bad influence. I don't know where she got that idea.

I don't blame you for ignoring those subpoenas. I don't know what they are, but if they are anything like a trip to the warden's office, you and your friends should head for the hills before you get one. Do what I do. Tell your posse not to talk, or else.

If you take my advice, you won't admit to anything. For instance, when I got in trouble at home I blamed my little brother, my teacher or the guy who mows our lawn. He is a Mexican, and since he doesn't speak much English, I could tell Mom whatever I wanted, and he couldn't defend himself.

Anyway, I agree that anything goes in love or war. I told the warden that this Muslim chick had set off the fire alarm, and she almost believed me. Unfortunately, the Moslem kid spoke better English than our yard man, and it didn't help that 9 other nosey kids were watching.

So, here I am on lockdown awaiting, you guessed it, another trip to the warden's office. I don't even get a chance to tell my side of the story until they've finished investigating. Well, just wait until I get out of lock down. There'll be a riot at Middletown Correctional Center that will go down in the history books. You ought to consider doing the same thing in Congress.

If I were you, I'd start a war or something. That would make your friends happy and would give your enemies something besides that Zelensky guy to think about. I can show you how to make a great bomb with a roll of toilet paper a couple fire crackers and some duct tape. Let me know if you're interested in the directions.




Dear (first name)

I haven't heard from you, and I'm sure that is an oversight.

Nevertheless, if we are going to keep America safe, we all must do our part. My part is to run the country as I see fit in my vast wisdom, and yours is to support my campaign with your generous donation. I am doing my part, but sadly, it appears that you haven't done yours. Don't forget that you will be to blame if our government falls into the hands of those evil socialists traitors.

It takes millions of dollars to run a good campaign. Oh, yeah, I have Twitter, but it isn't enough. I mean, I have made insulting people in 280-character bursts an art. However, sometimes it is that 281st character that can make or break a message.

I need funds to smear people on Facebook, YouTube and anywhere else I can spread my lies to a lot of people at a time. I need money to fly to other countries to get people to give me dirt on my opponents, whether that dirt is based in fact or not.

The closer to the election we get the more vicious TV and radio ads I'll have to fund. And, don't forget the newspapers and the Internet. My need for praise, and money are bottomless.

Remember, orange is the new red, white and blue.

Donald J. Trump

Son of Frederick Christ

Don't Cry, Molly, You're Not too Old for Him, Yet

Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I'll be dating you.

to two 14-year-old girls in 1992

from the Chicago Tribune, as archived at Slate

Mr. President, Would You Please autograph My Hat?

Dear Mr. Trump,

Here is the $15 I was able to extort out of the other kids in my cell block. I am looking sooo forward to getting my MAGA hat. The rest of the gang won't even believe that I know you! That hat will shut them up.

By the way, I think it was mean of those evil Democrats not to let you have the "g8" summit at your own hotel. Heck, you don't get to be president every day, and why shouldn't your use it while you can.

It's like when Kyleigh and I used to be friends. I was willing to let her, and Chase use my room, just not for free. I don't think $5 a pop was unreasonable. After all, my room overlooks my neighbor's swimming pool and some really pretty flowers. My house is close to railroad tracks, just like your hotel being close to an airport.

I know there are a couple of kids in the neighborhood who wouldn't charge as much, but tough cookies. If she needs some place to sneak around, she can use my room, or I guarantee that her secret won't be secret anymore. Thanks for everything you've taught me. Write again soon.




Dear {name}

I'm so sad. People just don't understand me. Here I thought I could count on you, and I haven’t heard a word from you. I haven't received even $250 from you, and time's running out.

Please, rush a donation so that we can stop those lazy, stupid not to mention fat Democrats from turning our democracy into a socialist paradise, where taxes go up and government spending will reach almost one trillion dollars.

Remember, it isn't this administration who is making your life a living hell of mass shootings, endless foreign wars and political differences that are causing rifts in families. It is all because of Obama and the Democrats. Knowing her, Rosie O’Donnell probably had a hand in it, too. There are a lot of stupid, low IQ people out to get me, and none of this stuff was my fault.

The democrats don't care about the truth. They do not understand the wisdom of a truly stable genius. They do not realize that I am the most handsome gentleman who has ever adorned this office! They don't care if they start another civil war as long as they are persecuting me.

Please, sell something if you have to. If people like you don't step up, there really
may be no more billionaires. If patriots like you don't help, we will lose our lands, our hopes and the freedoms I bestow on this ungrateful populous.

Donald J. Trump
Son of Frederick Christ

Hang On Mr. President! I'm Coming

Dear Mr. Trump,

I am finally out of juvenile detension. I have a plan to make a bunch of money for you, but it has to be hush-hush for now.

just give me a couple of weeks, and I'll make you all the money you could want to keep you and Melania afloat.


Free at Last!!!


Dear {name}

Things are getting desperate here at headquarters. The Dems are spreading lies about me. I wish that for one day, just one day the fake media would stick to the alternate facts!

If the Dems have their choice, I will be impeached! In fact, these lying, stupid, idiotic, low IQ morons just don't know how lucky the are to have a CEO with my brilliance and good looks.

Help me protect America from my impeachment. Rob a bank if you have to! Mug a few liberal people! Remember, only I can save America.

Donald J. Trump
Son of Frederick Christ

Why does Everything Always Happen to Me?

Dear {name}

I still haven't gotten a donation from you, and now I need you more than ever.

Today, a 12 year old girl was killed in a police shoot out because of Obama and liberals like him. They said that she did it because of her correspondence with my campaign, but that cannot be true. I never met Mandy, Monica or whatever her name was. As you know, I keep close track of anyone who has ever donated to my campaign, and I can assure you that Margaret, Melissa or whatever isn't on the list. Killing this kid is obviously just another leftist plot.

Still, you know how the fake news operates. These so-called journalists think that my "vicious rhetoric" had some influence on the brat, but that can't be. Heck, I don't even know what rhetoric is, and I sure wouldn't do it to a kid that young. I'd be too afraid of getting caught.

Anyway, there's no polite way to put it. Trump, USA will die without your support, so please send me all the money you can. The fate of the free world is in my hands! Help me kieep it there!

Donald J. Trump
Son of Frederick Christ


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