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Men: Beware of Sperm Thieves

Updated on March 25, 2012

Don't get Victimized by Crazy Chicks

Many of us older guys already know about this, but we would like to warn the young bucks out there. Chicks want your sperm! And not in a good way, (like for a facial moisturizer, or throat lozenge). They want it so they can make babies! Babies without your consent! Babies that you will have to pay for! Babies that they will raise without you and have them believe that YOU are to blame and that YOU abandoned them!

I have seen this happen time and time again. A guy has a girlfriend. He makes it clear to her that he has no intentions of having kids yet. She pretends to agree. She tells him she's on the pill and that he doesn't need to wear a condom. (Us guys hate those things so we're cool with that). Then...Surprise! Surprise! The girl gets knocked up and acts like she's just as surprised as you are.

Maybe she blames it on antibiotics interfering with the pill, (a common excuse). When this is found not to make any sense she admits that she may have forgotten to take it once or twice, which is certainly possible. But, what a lot of guys eventually discover is that SHE HASN'T EVEN HAD HER PILLS REFILLED IN MONTHS! She has conciously and deliberately lied about the birth control to woo her man into unintentionally impregnating her!

Why would any sane woman do this, you ask? The answer is that they're not sane. They're crazy for babies! Women feel like they absolutely have to have babies. They are scared to death that their biological clock will run out and their eggs will shrivel and dry up and POOF! Dissapear. Not only that, but if they feel like their relationship with a man is in jeopardy, for some strange and inexplicable reason, they believe that their pregnancy will keep the man with them and that it will cement the relationship. Now if that's not crazy, I don't know what is.

Men, do not be fooled. Women are good at acting, especially the ones that are Sperm Thieves. They, the Sperm Thieves, are among the most deceptive and conniving of all human beings. They are willing to sacrifice your future and the future of that poor child so they can play mommy in that crazy "Leave it to Beaver" fantasy in their heads. They will get you to pay child support and they will get on welfare and medicaid and get some other chump to come in and try to play step-dad for a while until she steals his sperm and continues the process.

Then she will lie to the child and tell him/her that you abandoned the family, (unless of course you decide to stay with the untrustworthy wench). Many successfully fool their men who stick with them for years until they eventually find out that their chick is coo-coo for Coa Coa puffs. By then, you'll have like ten kids that are just as crazy as their mom.

Wrap up your meat, guys. You'll be a dad before you know it. Think about it. Haven't you heard of women in the news who do crazy stuff like steal other people's babies? Some even cut them from the wombs of pregnant women. These chicks are nuts for what's in your nuts.  Look down the road and think twice before you blow your load.  Before you scrunch up your face and bite your lip and spasm, think of the chasm you're ditching your little white soldiers into.  If that spunky gunk bursts out of your trunk and into a juicy egg, you'll be the one getting screwed.

Now, I know that there are a lot of good women out there that would never do something so horrible. Just like some dead-beat dads make us men look bad, Sperm Thieves do the same for women. These wacky Sperm Thieves represent only a fraction of the gender. But men, you must be aware that you're at risk! I've even heard of chicks using needles to poke holes in condoms! Be alert! Protect your future! Protect your sperm!!!

Octomom - she would steal your sperm

An option that some guys may want to try is the vasectomy - a medical procedure to tie your tubes and make it impossible for you to knock up a chick. Imagine the satisfaction when that sneaky hoe tries to hit you up for child support and you show them the document proving that it can't be you! I've heard from people who have been in this situation and the result is always amusing: The girl's jaw drops when she realizes that her cheating ass is busted and she's not gonna get any money unless she finds the real father, which may be one of dozens who have already fled the scene. Hilarious!

There are also reversible vasectomies that you can undo later if you change your mind. It's a minor procedure and costs somewhere between 500 and 1000 dollars but you may be able to  get insurance to cover a portion of that. A thousand bucks is nothing compared to years of paying child support!

The Vasectomy - A potential life saver!


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    • profile image

      Chris Marsh 

      7 years ago

      There is a 1/500 failure rate on vasectomies.

    • profile image

      Chris Marsh 

      7 years ago

      Be sure to tell the readers that residual sperm stays in the pipeline for a while after the procedure. Wait for the urologist to do the exam and say All Clear before you abandon birth control.

    • profile image

      Lars Alan Ekland 

      8 years ago


      It happened to me. That bitch got to know me real well, even paid my back taxes - all the while knowing what she was doing.. An unspoken deal - i'll pay off your taxes if you make me pregnant. Bitch mother and bastard father were the architects of the whole thing. I was too naïve to see it coming. She got to he first trimester, then left me. I never saw it coming...

    • profile image

      Anne T 

      11 years ago

      I came of age as AIDS swept the world - condoms are required. Period.

      The post is funny because it's true. As a purposefully childless woman, there are plenty of women with kids who make all manner of insane arguments to convince other women to have kids - and that's how egg stealers are made. I have met more than a few men who wanted kids so much they refused to participate in birth control. So it absolutely takes two to tango.

    • Mike360 profile imageAUTHOR


      11 years ago from The Milky Way

      Absolutely. It takes two to tango.

    • kirstenblog profile image


      11 years ago from London UK

      This was funny as hell! On a serious note I do hope that guys take the underlying message on board, birth control should not just be the womans' job! So many unwanted pregnancies would be avoided if both people took equal responsibility for birth control measures.


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