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New Zealand Politics | It's Time To Kill A Kiwi With Your Teeth, John Key

Updated on September 22, 2009

Once again, the great Vladimir Putin has shown what an excellent specimen of manhood he is. Whilst our own Prime Minister, John Key pussyfoots around refusing to send more than 70 SAS soldiers into a losing battle in Afghanistan, Vladimir has been out releasing snow leopards into the wild.

Afghanistan is famously known as being where Empires go to die, even Genghis Kahn couldn't hold Afghanistan, but apparently we had some spare SAS cluttering up the place, shimmying up drain pipes and into the Prime Minister's boudoir and trying on his panties as he slept and so eventually John said 'Enough with this, gadzooks!' and sent them to Afghanistan, where they could sit in the snow and be super manly.

The stealthy NZ SAS in action....
The stealthy NZ SAS in action....

For those not familiar with John Key, he is the 38th Prime Minister of New Zealand, and pretty super stoked smug about the whole thing. How he managed to snag the top job is a mystery to the bulk of New Zealanders who only voted for the National Party because the Labor Party was showing serious signs of forcing all New Zealanders to triple wrap their children in nanny state approved bubble wrap and send them off to sensitivity training on a weekly basis where they would learn to shed tears over the monumental meaning of modern art and the tragedy of alopecia.

John Key lacks the death stare and robotic ambiance that made Helen Clark, the previous Prime Minister and leader of the Labor party so very successful. The UN has her now, in a secret development facility where they plan to clone her in preparation for the apocalypse. I saw Helen Clark in person once and it was an experience which chilled me to my very core. Death, pestilence and famine do not stand a chance against her. Even the big G himself might find himself squirming and reversing a few significant points of policy when faced with her ice stare of deadly calm.

Helen Clark
Helen Clark

John Key, on the other hand, is an accountant with all the personality that entails. Not just any accountant, mind you, a confused Jewish accountant who doesn't know what religion is. Wikipedia quotes him as saying: "If you're asking me if I'm religious it depends how you define religion. I look at religion as doing the right thing....I go to church a lot with the kids, but I wouldn't describe it as something that I ... I'm not a heavy believer; my mother was Jewish which technically makes me Jewish. Yeah, I probably see it in a slightly more relaxed way.”

(Before we get all hysterical over possible anti Semitic tones here, the only reason I make any mention of it is because a person who calls themselves Jewish and goes on to demonstrate a total lack of comprehension as to the basic nature of religion is like a veterinarian who tries to treat your couch for kennel cough.)

John Key
John Key

There is little to no evidence of John Key ever having gone fishing sans top in Sibera, or having ruthlessly hunted down and killed any animal, let alone supervised the survival of endangered species. Clearly New Zealand has set the bar far too low in terms of our leadership. A real leader ruthlessly controls his country and the media, yet John Key suffers John Campbell waffling on, night after night talking about teapots and women with big breasts as if they were the hard hitting issues which affected New Zealanders today.

We need a leader who is not afraid to step up in times of global crisis and let the country, and the world know that he will do whatever it takes to defend his nation. It's time to kill a kiwi, John Key.


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      starfiend 8 years ago

      I was at the theatre last night, watching a very funny comedian. He had a couple of digs at the kiwis, particularly their place names and anywhere beginning 'Wha'. Mind you, most of his digs were at the Americans and Australians - Shane 'Warny' Warne particularly springs to mind. You may have heard of him Hope? Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson? His daughter Jenny Talia did a set too. Very funny. They both like poking fun at the kiwi's, something about sheep I understand? :)

      You don't fancy doing a similar take down of our own dear PM, Gordon Brown, you know, him with all the personality of a wet kipper!