ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

New Zealand Politics | It's Time To Kill A Kiwi With Your Teeth, John Key

Updated on September 22, 2009

Once again, the great Vladimir Putin has shown what an excellent specimen of manhood he is. Whilst our own Prime Minister, John Key pussyfoots around refusing to send more than 70 SAS soldiers into a losing battle in Afghanistan, Vladimir has been out releasing snow leopards into the wild.

Afghanistan is famously known as being where Empires go to die, even Genghis Kahn couldn't hold Afghanistan, but apparently we had some spare SAS cluttering up the place, shimmying up drain pipes and into the Prime Minister's boudoir and trying on his panties as he slept and so eventually John said 'Enough with this, gadzooks!' and sent them to Afghanistan, where they could sit in the snow and be super manly.

The stealthy NZ SAS in action....
The stealthy NZ SAS in action....

For those not familiar with John Key, he is the 38th Prime Minister of New Zealand, and pretty super stoked smug about the whole thing. How he managed to snag the top job is a mystery to the bulk of New Zealanders who only voted for the National Party because the Labor Party was showing serious signs of forcing all New Zealanders to triple wrap their children in nanny state approved bubble wrap and send them off to sensitivity training on a weekly basis where they would learn to shed tears over the monumental meaning of modern art and the tragedy of alopecia.

John Key lacks the death stare and robotic ambiance that made Helen Clark, the previous Prime Minister and leader of the Labor party so very successful. The UN has her now, in a secret development facility where they plan to clone her in preparation for the apocalypse. I saw Helen Clark in person once and it was an experience which chilled me to my very core. Death, pestilence and famine do not stand a chance against her. Even the big G himself might find himself squirming and reversing a few significant points of policy when faced with her ice stare of deadly calm.

Helen Clark
Helen Clark

John Key, on the other hand, is an accountant with all the personality that entails. Not just any accountant, mind you, a confused Jewish accountant who doesn't know what religion is. Wikipedia quotes him as saying: "If you're asking me if I'm religious it depends how you define religion. I look at religion as doing the right thing....I go to church a lot with the kids, but I wouldn't describe it as something that I ... I'm not a heavy believer; my mother was Jewish which technically makes me Jewish. Yeah, I probably see it in a slightly more relaxed way.”

(Before we get all hysterical over possible anti Semitic tones here, the only reason I make any mention of it is because a person who calls themselves Jewish and goes on to demonstrate a total lack of comprehension as to the basic nature of religion is like a veterinarian who tries to treat your couch for kennel cough.)

John Key
John Key

There is little to no evidence of John Key ever having gone fishing sans top in Sibera, or having ruthlessly hunted down and killed any animal, let alone supervised the survival of endangered species. Clearly New Zealand has set the bar far too low in terms of our leadership. A real leader ruthlessly controls his country and the media, yet John Key suffers John Campbell waffling on, night after night talking about teapots and women with big breasts as if they were the hard hitting issues which affected New Zealanders today.

We need a leader who is not afraid to step up in times of global crisis and let the country, and the world know that he will do whatever it takes to defend his nation. It's time to kill a kiwi, John Key.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      I was at the theatre last night, watching a very funny comedian. He had a couple of digs at the kiwis, particularly their place names and anywhere beginning 'Wha'. Mind you, most of his digs were at the Americans and Australians - Shane 'Warny' Warne particularly springs to mind. You may have heard of him Hope? Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson? His daughter Jenny Talia did a set too. Very funny. They both like poking fun at the kiwi's, something about sheep I understand? :)

      You don't fancy doing a similar take down of our own dear PM, Gordon Brown, you know, him with all the personality of a wet kipper!



    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)