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Nuclear Smoke and Mirrors as the UK slouches toward breakup

Updated on July 19, 2016
Trident Renewal by English MPs
Trident Renewal by English MPs

Parliament voted by a large margin to restore the rainbow Tories’ surrogate penis, the most expensive form of Viagra in history. By pure chance the other eight countries in the world had decided that just for fun, as the UK was voting on renewal of the small penis compensation system, they would think about attacking the UK. Theresa May picked up this information telepathically just in time to use the information to sway the vote. Labour, whose leader is against Trident, were given a free vote and some 60 percent of their MPs voted to renew Trident. This underscores the fact that Labour is now merely an unoffocial branch of the Tory PartyGiven that a nuclear accident would wipe out most of Scotland only one Scottish MP voted for renewal. Since there is only One Scottish Labour MP it is fair to say that no MP who lives in Scotland voted for renewal. Up till the debate the number of jobs depending on Trident was rising astronomically and had the debate been three days later the number of jobs depending on Trident would have exceeded the entire population of the UK. Now the debate is over these millions of jobs have banished leaving millions of skilled workers on the dole.

An obvious Trap

The Westminster government tried to claim that a majority of Scots wanted Trident in Scotland. In the current era of evidence-free truth-free politics and analysis by repetition this became true, at least in the part of the House of Condoms not occupied by the SNP.

Unelected UK Prime Minister Teresa May discussed Brexit with the clearly elected First Minister of Scotland and told her she has had here referendum on Scottish Independence. The official statement of the result said nothing other than that Scotland would perhaps be given a major role in the exit negotiations. May also said the UK would not be submitting Article 50 notice till there was a UK wide approach.

Translating this for Kremlin watchers: unless May meant a Drum Major role she wants to kick Brexit into the longest of pampas grass and hope it gets forgotten.

So she publicly gave Nicola Sturgeon a way to block Brexit thus deflecting Tory party anger at their leader and trying to lay a trap for Sturgeon. This could make Scotland even less popular with those Leave voters who actually meant it. It also means Nigel Farage and any UKIP member with a braincell are in the European Parliament not looking to take seats from the Tories. Since people tend to forget anger and betrayal kicking Article 50 into outer space with the controls set for the heart of the Sun will increase the chance of another Tory government in 2020. Ideally everything will settle down and be ticking along nicely when Article 50 goes in just after the next election. Evil laughs and treble Scotch all round.

Wear your Mushroom with Pride
Wear your Mushroom with Pride

If Sturgeon helps forge an agreement then she will lose popularity with her voters and will be accused fo working with the Tories. If Sturgeon blocks agreement the Mainstream Media will accuse her of ignoring the democratic will of the United Kingdom ( i.e England), the democratic will of Scotland, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar being totally unimportant to England and to Little England. However by blocking agreement she will increase her popularity and make independence more likely. It may even happen that Westminster decides to break up the Union in order to let England leave the EU.

There may be other twists and turns, British Politics currently being more complicated than Byzantine intrigue and more convoluted than a double helix of corkscrews. All we can say, it seems, is that whatever the UK government does, short of proclaiming the UK will not be leaving the EU, will drive a further wedge between England and the rest of the UK, Scotland in Particular and drive the demand for independence.

Overall it is lucky for those desiring Scottish Independence that no one in the Tory or Labour parties has read the Evil Overlord Handbook (available via Mr Google). If they had they would have submitted their plans to a ten year old child for approval. Instead they had to make do with Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage.

Brexit continues to tear all mainstream parties apart, in particular the Nasty Party, and Cabinet Unity over the issue is at a premium with little pretence of a show of solidarity. Resignations continue and it is time for a national sweepstake predicting how long any member of the cabinet would survive before

resigning and whether this would be for ”family reasons”. A Daily Telegraph hack wondered which was worse; Being promoted by May or sacked by her.

Britain has no skilled negotiators to handle Brexit and will have to hire them from abroad, one source mentioned being India, which means the pledge to halt immigration is already deader than a Monty Python Parrot and the box of options and concessions the UK is likely to get is as empty as the Cheese Shop. A minister said the lack of planning for a leave vote was excusable since there would have been no point in planning till the vote was in. This is clear dereliction of duty, since it is the Government’s duty to plan for all possible scenarios even those they think will not happen.

And now for something totally different: Real life. Tourists in Europe with EHIC cards that expire before Brexit will face unexpected medical bills and it is still unclear whether Spain and other warm cheap countries will deport the millions of UK pensioners living there with some semblance of a decent life in order for them to be socially cleansed by the weather and the austerity May will continue to impose.

The Brexit chaos seems to be settling down, but, unlike with Labour’s Bankers Bonus Bailout it is unlikely things will revert to Business as Normal now that the Working Classes and even the Middle Classes seem, hopefully, to be waking up to the fact they have been conned for at least a century.


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