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Once Dope Is 100% Legal In America

Updated on May 26, 2014

Obama Will Make It Happen

One More Executive Order Can Legalize the Evil Weed.
One More Executive Order Can Legalize the Evil Weed.

It has Already Started

Once Dope Is 100% Legal In America

Yep, it has already begun – the legalization of marijuana. At the time of this writing two states have legalized it for recreational use and others had already O.K.’d the “medical” use of Mary Jane.

So, what would the American culture and society be like once dope is 100% legal and given its blessing by the almighty Supreme Court?

Well, before I can predict what’s going to happen – what’s going down, man – I just want to reiterate that this article is not a debate about the moral, medical, and societal dangers of dope and the dumbing down of America. It’s just a prediction of what you can expect in terms of change to society as a whole, much like other cultural changes, such as the acceptance of so-called “gay” marriage recently around the country and the globe.

She's Naturally High

That explains why nothing she says makes sense
That explains why nothing she says makes sense

Thank the Courts and Their Political Allies

Why do you think they call it dope, anyways?

Politicians have given in to social pressure and threw up their arms and say “We are losing the war on drugs”. Legalization is the answer. OK, by making something legal that was illegal doesn’t make the problem go away – it just gives its stamp of approval. Put it this way – if you want to eliminate crime – decriminalize it and Voila – it’s gone, non?

Politicians are dum-dums, are they not?

Legalization means that now it’s OK anyone with some business acumen can officially be a dope dealer and customers (really you taxpayers) can officially consume such product with a seal of approval.

Obviously, dealers will need licenses to sell and distribute and customers must be of the legal age. And undocumented workers will be exempt from any kind restriction because it will be against their (soon-to-be) constitutional rights.

And since the courts lean left, amnesty will be granted to everyone serving jail time for selling, distributing, possessing or using any amount of marijuana, hashish or similar substances (such as K-2).

The court system will unclog and the police will have less crime to fight. They will have more time to focus on arresting those who dissent against Obama (in his 4th term), as well as those few people who would still bravely identify themselves as Tea-partiers or conservatives, and renegade traditional Catholics who preach against the culture of tomorrow.

Food For Thought???

Here are some things bound to happen:

Businesses in the food industry will find creative ways to include marijuana as an ingredient in various foods touting that it is healthy for you, like hemp. Frozen TV dinners that lag behind in gross sales will be spiced up – that frozen meatloaf might have a little zip in it so you crave more. And nothing is as American as a Thanksgiving dinner with some good old fashioned pumpkin pie with a wee bit of hash mixed in to spice it up.

Oh yes, the Girl Scouts of America – those little darlings who have made allegiance to Planned Parenthood (Baby Killers R Us), will be selling cookies laced with pot to help them with their fund-raising – all in the name of “doing good.” And the little tykettes get to nibble on their left-overs.

And, dear friends, the cooking shows on PBS, in order to grab better ratings start featuring more and more recipes that call for marijuana as part of a dish. Forget the old jokes about “brownies”; chefs will get creative with their “high” soufflés and “dreamy” gravies.

Problems On The Horizon

Well, my friends, there are problems on the horizon. People in Colorado are not moderating their use of weed. IN fact, recent studies have shown that eating the plant in baked goods is far surpassing smoking the evil weed. I presume most people prefer to eat rather than smoke - which is natural for anything.

Unfortunately, consuming the plant in massive quanitites is definitely not good as we have discovered that many are hallucinating heavily and contrary to common beleif that you mellow out, users are becoming violent. Wow, if you eat the stuff it makes you violent. Already there have been reports of suicides and murders from consuming it.

Another wrinkle that has also occurred is that people are going to Colorado in droves to buy pounds of the stuff and then get arrested on their way back home to their home state.

Companies are posting huge profits from the sale of the stuff, yet it hasn't created any significant increase in viable jobs. So, in other words, it really hasn't helped the economy at all.

Well, we'll just sit back and see how the Colorado experiment fares.

Many Uses For The Weed

But we know what they really want to use it for, don't we?
But we know what they really want to use it for, don't we?

Mary Jane Has Many Uses - And Profit Centers

Follow The Money

Grocers smell a profit and will see many “pot shops” opening so they get license to sell marijuana and place the items in the same aisle as chips, Doritos, and other munchies. It will be a boon to grocers and soon the convenience stores will also see the profit potential and mark up and follow the grocers lead.

To compete with the success of the grocers, pot shops revert back to the 60’s and become paraphernalia shops – selling all kinds of bongs and devices to enhance your smoking pleasure. Seeing this, the tobacco shops, with those in Detroit leading the charge, sell pot and smoking devices – they’ve already been selling rolling papers and hookahs for many years. These businesses smell dollars when they smell smoke.

But business – retail business – of selling dope grows in leaps and bounds because it is being pushed at every angle to gather more and more chunks of the population. You see, if it’s legal, it must be OK so a kid who may have refused to try it because he was afraid to get arrested will now try it. That fear is gone and so is the fear of how dope affects your health.

Legalization leads to blanket acceptance. Smoking dope is hybrid to smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol. Those places that accept smoking will allow dope and those places that accept alcohol will accept dope. The government will tell you, though, that tobacco use and alcohol use is worse for your health, yet politicians are the biggest drunks and cancer-smoking boobs I’ve ever seen. They will also collect a gazillion taxes on anything you smoke – tobaccy, wacky tobaccy, and cracky – once it is legal.

Smoke and the Water

Need to ease smoking restrictions if they liberalized smoking dope.
Need to ease smoking restrictions if they liberalized smoking dope.

The Future Is Now

The Future Looks Wacky

Here are some examples:

Taverns will allow and probably sell weed. Go to a Broncos game and buy some dope for your tailgate party. Some church functions have beer served and guess what? Yes Mary Jane will be on the menu.

Casinos will have smoking lounges and church bake sales may have brownies laced with a little smidgeon of the old evil weed. And the when the Avon ladies have a home party and bring out the hemp shampoo, they’ll also bring out the hemp because it’s good for your lungs and your nostrils.

Technology will adapt to the “new” product. You’ll find a reefer vending machine right next to the condom machine in the washrooms across the rest stops of America. And truck stops will sell not only the hallucinogenic plant but also items touting it such as t-shirts, license plate holders, bumper stickers, key chains, etc. And if you’re a truck itching to chew on something crunchy, instead of sunflower seeds, how about salted marijuana seeds mixed with sunflower kernels? Delicious!

Legalization will create a whole new cottage industry and business could boom – only if the pot smokers had the drive to get a job. Speaking of jobs – unemployment would rise and be twice as bad as the first 12 years of Obama rule. Nobody would want to work because they are addicted and living on dope – smoking it, drinking, eating it, and rubbing it in their skin. Laced with nicotine, how could you say ‘no’ to this little leaf?

Poor people may not even have to pay for dope since Congress would OK that food stamps (Link card) would cover edible marijuana. And if it were not sold as 100% pure leaf, it would be an ingredient in your tofu – and if you love weed, you’ll eat a ton of tofu and be healthy as well.

Those that still had money or jobs that wanted to buy the stuff in “moderation” if that were possible would be subjected to new creative concoctions. How about a soft drink that tastes like Dr. Pepper but gets you buzzed a little more than Jolt Cola? Or instead of boring old vanilla cream coffee, you got “Jumpin’ Java” the bean with the sweet leaf.

Speaking of moderation, anti-drunk driving commercials would cease. The popular “I was only a little buzzed” commercial would be banned. That phrase offended too many pot users. Now if it’s OK for kids to have a glass of wine at a special dinner, why not a reefer for that special family occasion. All in the name of moderation.

Athletes, though they may refrain from dope before a game, will seek its relaxing qualities after a stressful day. They would need to take more steroids to get them back in top condition.

Credit cards could be used to buy dope but there will be a service fee added. Those greedy buzzards! Also, having urine tests to qualify for a job will be outlawed as such tests will be against your constitutional right to smoke dope and get high. No more polygraphs, no more drug screening, and definitely no Math test – duh!

Police will be ordered not to arrest any drivers caught smoking or possessing but only issue verbal warnings. After the driver stops laughing, the police will repeat the verbal warning.

Where Do You Draw The Line

Too wasted to draw any line
Too wasted to draw any line

Why So Down, Man?

There Could Be A Dark Side

There will be some negatives in the foreseeable future, let’s exam these.

High Times Magazine, which will be on the brink of bankruptcy since it had no cause to promote since legalization (a victory for them) will turn itself around and start being the leading activist in legalizing crack and even start a how-to video series on creating a successful meth lab. Entrepreneurship will be in full swing.

Strip joints and X-rated book stores will offer complimentary joints to patrons who either frequent their establishment on a certain night or spend X amount of dollars in merchandise. The problem is that the patrons will demand everything free and the ensuing violence would force owners to call on the police who in turn will be charging a fee for their services, such as breaking up a marijuana-related fight.

Kids will be encouraged to get high because it is healthy for them and will help them in school. It won’t help them get better grades but it will help them deal with stress and gain new friends. The big negative is that you will have a hard time getting that kid to mow your lawn.

Another negative will be those people who are against marijuana use. These people will be designated as Dop-o-phobes. They want to bring America back to the Prohibition and anyone who denies a pot user the right to pursue a life of liberty and happiness who is trouncing on their constitutional rights and subject to arrest.

So the jails and court system make a complete U-turn. Instead of pot users, dealers, and possessors clogging up the system and jails, those against it will do that. To remedy the problem, first time offenders – those Dop-O-Phobes - will have to go to a marijuana-sensitivity class or perform community service by helping the local 4-H club with its marijuana garden.

Changes In The Fabric Of Society

So Negative, Aren’t You?

Another negative is that farmers will start selling marijuana crop more than soy as marijuana pays better per bushel. Because of this, crops may become contaminated at processing plants with marijuana seeds, much like some plants have product that may have traces of peanuts or wheat. Because of this, food labels would have to state clearly “These peanuts may have traces of marijuana because they were processed at a plant that processes marijuana” or “This tofu is made on equipment that also makes products containing marijuana”.

Just like MADD, a group will be against those who drive and get high and they will call themselves MAHD (Mothers Against High Driving). They will have ad campaigns and try to get the Ad Council to help televise their views. They will be despised by everyone in America so much that Michelle Obama, Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Golderg and Joy Behar will start a counter group called MAM (Mothers Against Mothers.)

Another negative will be the high incidence of teenage boys developing breasts due to excessive marijuana use; and so the next “disease” that everyone has a walk-a-thon for would be breast development awareness for teenage boys. Another negative will be the high fees of psychiatrists. Although Obamacare offers some relief – the high incidence (no pun intended) of paranoia drives mental fees up. Since there should be no fear of police coming after users, psychologists reason, then there should be no paranoia – but there is. So treatment usually begins with simple consultation which costs hundreds of dollars and usually culminates in administration of an anti-paranoia drug – usually a placebo or aspirin.

Are You Prepared?

The Future Is Today

Well, that just about covers what America may be like if dope were 100% legal in America. Obviously, the landscape of the future, which is not too far off, doesn’t look that bright. So many laws would have to change, business would change, the economy would change, attitudes and habits (ahem) would change too.

Well the hippies have gotten their way, and unfortunately for many of them, they all died before seeing their pet cause coming to fruition. Far out dudes!

Now, if you really want to get a better picture, just sit back, stay sober, and watch what happens. How do you spell “disaster”? Duh d . . . zastr . . . .huh?

As for me, be sure to visit me in prison because I said the wrong thing against dope-fiends and I guess I'm on the wrong side of the fence. At least I'll be able to think coherently.

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© 2014 Rob Lattin


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