Political Correctness for Dummies
Tevya Brings the Bagels
Good Morning, Breakfastpoppers. Today is Monday, August 31, 2015. Our dear friend, Wasp Tevya, is at the breakfast table this morning. Tevya is here to educate us on the proper way to speak in the year 2015. What was once acceptable is now banned, and it is imperative that we all catch up with this strange new world we are living in. Tevya has brought us an astonishing assortment of bagels this morning. We have every type of topping to accommodate everyone's different tastes. Please join us and bring a notebook and pencil. We have a entirely new vocabulary to absorb. We hope to see you soon.
A Few No-Nos
Thank you all for joining me this morning. If any of you are considering attending the University of New Hampshire, please be aware that certain words are no longer allowed on campus. First on the list is the word "American." For those among you who are curious about just why "American" is a no-no, consider the fact that America is not the only country on earth. What if someone in the seat next to you in class is from Mexico? Hearing the term "American" would be extremely offensive. It is better to describe yourself as a resident of America. You get the idea, right? Now you have been reduced to just another insignificant member of the world. Surely, you understand, don't you? Moving along, let's remove the word "foreigner" from the dictionary. Apparently, "foreigner" is a chauvinistic term, so take your eraser and get rid of it. The same is true of "homosexual" and "illegal alien. I'm not sure, but I think it is okay to refer to an 'Illegal alien" as a resident of Mexico. Forget about the term "mothering" and "fathering". In today's world a father could actually be a mother and visa versa.
Schools in Vancouver, Canada have abandoned the words "he" and "she" in favor of the more politically correct "xe." At first glance, the word is unpronounceable, but fear not , just say "ze." In order to be perfectly politically correct, replace "them" with "xem. "In case you didn't get the memo, boys and girls are exactly the same. You need to understand that referring to a male as a boy might be problematic if he identifies with the female sex. Play it safe and don't identify anybody. As an added plus, the schools in Vancouver are leaving it up to the students to decide what toilet facility they want to use. One day a kid might feel like a boy, another day, a girl. Using the right bathroom becomes important under such circumstances.
Some More Banned Words
The list of banned words is getting quite extensive. Getting it correct in today's world is going to require constant study and practice. The next time you are tempted to refer to somebody as a "gossip", hold your tongue. Xe is actually, a "transmitter of near factual information." A "natural disaster" should be referred to as a "global warming experience." A "lazy person" is really just "motivationally deficient", a "jailer" is a "custodial artist", a"fat person" is "horizontally challenged" and a "drunk person" is "chemically inconvenienced." From now on no one is "ugly." Instead the formerly ugly Xe is just "cosmetically different." Political correctness is hard work. It is imperative to get up to speed lest you insult somebody who will then contact either the ACLU, the Westboro Baptist Church, PETA, the Justice Department or Black Lives Matter. It's dangerous out there, so pay attention and think before you speak. Better yet, don't speak at all!
Dear God (am I allowed to say that?)
You made so many intellectually challenged people
It's no shame to be intellectually challenged
But it's no great honor either!