President Palin | Sarah Solves A Problem In Pakistan
“Abortion? No! Abortion is killing!” With a glib command President Palin vetoed the possibility of abortion in exceptional cases with a carefree wave, dashing the hopes of thousands of immoral liberal same gender couples who had been lining up to get abortions just for fun.
Filled with the glow of success, President Sarah laughed, tossing back her shoulder length brown hair dashed with blonde streaks. Her lips moved, but, frozen with gorgeous botulism, the rest of her face did not. She was so pretty. Prettier than pretty. She was the prettiest beauty queen President in the world. But was that enough?
Gazing wistfully out the periscope window of her Presidential Alaskan bunker, Sarah Palin sighed. By the tree line, a she-wolf stirred and cautiously emerged, sniffing into the wind.
“Moosey moosey wolf,” Sarah cooed lovingly through the glass.
Sensing that there was no danger, the she-wolf emerged entirely, and behind her, three young wolf cubs padded behind. They were gorgeous and rolly polly, playing about their mother's legs. They reminded Sarah Palin of Tripp, Trigg and that other one. Trooper? She made a note to check whether any of her kids were named Trooper, and if they weren't Bristol would have to bear a child and name it Trooper. There was an election coming up, and Sarah needed a newborn of dubious parentage to parade about the place.
Seeing the she-wolf relax and begin to play with her cubs, Sarah smiled and reached for her rifle.
Hours later, feeling much more relaxed and stretching her toes in her so soft new wolf cub skin slippers, Sarah smiled as she was handed the phone.
“Who is this? The President of Pakistan? Can we see Pakistan from here?” Palin inquired, sinking her pearly white teeth into a strap of moose jerky.
“No Madam President, Pakistan lies on the border of Afghanistan,” a military official interjected.
“I bet it does, they all lie. Because they're not Christian” Sarah Palin declared righteously, bowing her head for a quick prayer and a surreptitious nasal shot of Vicodin before taking up the receiver.
“Have you converted to Christianity yet, Mr President?” Sarah asked with a wink, forgetting that she was on the telephone.
“President Palin, you must remove your troops from the Kashmir region.” The Pakistani president's voice was strained with urgency.
“Cashmere! I love Cashmere. It's a natural fiber, so its very good for you,” Palin replied in bubbly tones.
“No Madame President, from the Kashmir region, the volatile lands in between Pakistan, India and Afghanistan. Due to international pressure, the Taliban have stopped selling opium and are now selling Miley Cyrus merchandise which they manufacture in the Kashmir region, far from the reach of Disney's lawyers. They have become a truly formidable economic power as a result. We have reason to believe that any foreign troops in the region will be slaughtered or captured and forced to make Hannah Montana T-Shirts.”
Palin laughed. “Don't be silly, t-shirt making is a job for malnourished peasant children. Neither the Taliban nor grown soldiers could possibly have the tiny fingers to make them quickly enough. ”
There was a pause on the other end of the line, as if the President of Pakistan had taken a deep breath. “There are no peasant children anymore, President Palin, we aborted them all. If only we had listened to your words of wisdom and denied poor women abortions, the Taliban would never have taken hold.”
Sarah Palin beamed the bright smile of one who has a solution to a problem. “Aborted them all? Not to worry, we have plenty of unwanted, malnourished, uneducated stupid babies over here. We were going to send them to prison when they were old enough, but we can fill up a few shipping containers and send them over there. That should take care of your child labor shortage and put the Taliban right out of business!”
The President of Pakistan's relief was palpable, and as he relayed Palin's solution to his people, distant cheers broke out, clattering over the line like a thousand little pats on Palin's back. “Oh thank you President Palin, you truly are brilliant!”
“You're more than welcome, President Ahmasswad,” Palin said, disconnecting the phone with a grin of triumph and turning to her faithful aide. “Send 3,000 of those unwanted babies to the Hindu Kush, stat. And make sure you poke a few holes in the container this time.”