By: Wayne Brown
If you listen to the media regularly, you are probably aware that President Obama and Vice-President Biden have taken to the road on some what can only be described as campaign stops playing to small audiences with what seems to be nothing more than a repertoire of Bush and Republican bashing designed to elicit laughter and good feelings from the audiences. I thought I would try to create one of those here today to give you some idea how one of them might go if he were able to attend.
“Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen of the fine city of Knockemstiff, Ohio. I am Mayor Tom Trickle and I am here today to let you know that you are in for a treat. We have with us today both President Obama and Vice-President Biden to meet with you in a town hall session to discuss some of your concerns and offer some of the visions and plans which they are working on in an attempt to restore America to the status much akin to what it was like in the Pre-Bush Presidential term. Now, without further adieu, I will turn the podium over to the President and the Vice-President and let them talk with you directly.”
President Obama steps to the podium, waves and says, “Thank you good citizens of Knockenstiff. Vice-President Biden and I are thrilled to be here with you. We have come a long way to be here but we felt it was very important that we share my vision of America with you in order that we dispel some of the rhetoric which is being tossed around on both sides of the aisle as to the competence level of this administration. I assure you that once we have had our exchange here today and we have answered some of the questions which have concerned you individually, those who are with us here today will walk away with new hope and inspiration embracing the changes that we propose to make America great once again.”
The President continues, “Some of you have probably heard that my staff has employed a 27 year old speech writer who has no government service nor has ever held a job in the private sector. On that basis, I think it is important that the Vice-President and I take off our jackets, roll up our sleeves, push away the teleprompters, and get right down to the nuts and bolts of things with you folks here in the audience. With that said, the Vice-President and I will now begin to take the first questions from members of the audience.”
A man stands up in the front row dressed in his blue jean work clothes sporting a flannel shirt. “Good morning, my name is Joe Six-Pack and I have been out of work since Sarah Palin lost the last election. My question to you is what are we doing about jobs?” The President speaks, “Thank you Joe, there are some aspects to my plan that I have asked the Vice-President to ride herd on and this just happens to be one of them. So, with that in mind, I will ask Vice-President Biden to step to the microphone and answer your question. Biden steps up and says, “Did you say your name was Joe?”. To which the man nods in the affirmative. “Well then, Joe, I think it is in all our best interest if you just sit your dumb-ass back down on that bench there. From my viewpoint, it is none of your damn business what the government is doing about jobs. You just need to trust in the fact that we are doing something and sooner or later the results will be apparent. Now, these things take time and I am doing everything in my power to move it along and I sure as hell don’t need some tin-horn plumber without a license coming in here and trying to back my ass against the wall because he can’t find work. Maybe you need to get off that ass and get yourself a license. Hell, I couldn’t be Vice-President if I hadn’t gone to school. So take it from me Joe, the fact that you don’t have a job is not this administration’s fault. All indicators point to it being associated with Dick Cheney grabbing up all the jobs here in the Midwest and moving them to Iraq to prosecute the war. So, if you are upset and want to blame someone, call George Bush!” With that, Biden yields the podium to the President.
“Now if I could I want to make some things very clear. The Vice-President and I have been on a mission looking for opportunity in this great country. We can cite some examples to you where additional spending on the part of the government will go a long way to stimulating employment and creating a “trickle down” effect in the economy. Now some of you may be skeptical about trickle down economics after living through the horror of the voodoo trickle down theories of Ronald Reagan. But, let me be clear on this. Where former President Reagan’s formula was a failure, I will be successful because I have taken that all important step of making the government the primary instrument in the trickle down effect. Reagan was betting on the private sector and at this point I will just simply say that was a very stupid thing to do.”
The President continues, “Just last week, Vice-President Biden pointed out to me the poor condition of the fairways and greens on several of the area golf courses in the Washington-Virginia area. Here is an example where we have an opportunity to create jobs in the private sector if we move quickly on repairing these golf courses. I have also observed, on my own, the poor condition of the basketball court at the White House. Previous white Presidential administrations have looked upon this facility as unnecessary and outdated, much like President Carter’s opinion of the Presidential Yacht when he sold it. Let me be clear on this issue, this is a shining example of the poor vision demonstrated by prior administrations in their inability to foresee the advent of a black man from Chicago in the White House.”
“Now, I assure you that I will personally take care of this matter and will have Vice-President Biden watching closely for the repairs and restoration of the area golf courses. This is a task of monumental proportion and will require a significant revenue source to finance it. I have discussed my concerns with both Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid and they have assured me that funds will be forthcoming for these projects under our emergency spending provisions. Let me just stop here and say that while the Federal Government will show every courtesy in following the bidding process outlined for these projects that I would fully expect that none of the contracts will be awarded to companies based in Arizona. Now that might sound like I have an axe to grind with the people of Arizona but that is far from the case.”
“This has nothing to do with the current legal wrangle nor is it designed in any way to support a boycott. The fact of the matter is that companies from Arizona are known to employ undocumented workers who cannot provide any form of citizenship proof in the way of simple documents such as a birth certificate. The government of the United States of America can ill-afford to have such important projects with such close proximity to the workings of government be staffed with workers who could potentially shoe-bombing terrorists.”
“Let’s move on to the next question, please”says the President and points to a well-dressed attractive woman sitting in the top row. “Yes, Mr. President, my name is Jane Doe, and in light of the previous stimulus spending of your administration, I was wondering if you could possibly give us some accounting of how that roughly $800 billion dollars was spent? I will sit down now and listen to your answer.”
“Thank you, Ms. Doe. That is an excellent question and the people of America should be informed since it is, after all, their tax dollars that have been invested in this stimulus effort which was designed to create jobs and reduce the unemployment levels below 8% on average. Now, let me be clear on this issue, as President, my schedule is chock full of various and sundry items throughout the working day much of which is of the nature of pomp and circumstance flavored with international interaction. Thus, it is very difficult for me, as President, to keep a handle on the details of a spending package of this proportion. Therefore, I have asked Vice-President Biden to ride herd on this important venture and keep up with the details. So, with that in mind, again I will ask the Vice-President to step forward and answer the question, Mr. Vice-President.”
Joe Biden takes the microphone and says, “Lady, did you say your name was Doe? That sounds like a made-up name if you asked me. Did you lie to get in here only to attempt to badger myself and the President with questions that only waste a lot of our time and the time of these other people here in the audience who have some real concerns about issues which you probably would not understand judging from the cut of your clothes. I’ll bet you’re a damn Republican! Well Republican or not, you got a hell of a lot of gall lady coming in here off the street and asking a question like that. Do you realize that we are talking about $800 billion dollars. That’s a lot of money and how the hell can anyone expect to keep up with how it was spent? We spent it to create jobs, to stimulate the economy, to get the government back on track, to save GM from total collapse, and a few thousand other pet projects that if you weren’t wettin’ your little pant s to know about right now, you just might have time to work and stimulate the damn economy! But, I tell you what, stick around until after the program here and old Joe will take you downtown for a custard. Thank you!”
“Could we have the next question please?” says the President as Biden steps away from the podium. An older gentleman sitting in the middle of the audience rises up and asks, “Mr. President, my name is Harry Medicare. Could you please share what your plan is with us for foreign investment here in the United States? The gentleman smiles and sits back down.
“I am really glad you ask that question, Mr. Medicare” replied the President. We do have an aggressive plan on track for attracting foreign investors to the USA. One example that quickly comes to mind is our efforts right here in the Gulf Coast area. We have coerced British Petroleum to make significant investments in both the business infrastructure along the coastal waters and in the physical attributes of the region to include clean waters, attractive beaches, a flourishing flora and fauna, as well as promotion of advertising efforts to attract Americans to these areas for vacations and outings. I will say that it has not been an easy task and that it has a much longer timeline than we had anticipated in the beginning when we first had this vision of an international effort. This joint-venture, if you will, is creating jobs as we speak. Revenue is flowing into all of the regions described and we fully expect that British Petroleum will be a long term partner with us in this effort.”
“Suffice to say that BP has shown their sincerity to go to great lengths and it is a fair assessment to say that the entire future of that company rides with the success of this venture in the Gulf waters. I want to say that my administration has done everything possible to stay out of the way of this effort and not bog it down with red tape that just adds years to achieving the bottom-line impact of British Petroleum’s efforts in the Gulf. At this point, I want to share my vision with you for this region of our nation by saying when all of this is said and done, the Gulf region will have totally been transformed and no longer dependent on the petroleum industry for jobs and economic stability. We are rapidly diversifying the economy of that region and expect results that will act as a model for many years to come.”
“Yes sir, you in the shirt and tie on the third row, did you have a question for me” said the President pointing to a middle-age man. “Yes, Mr. President, my name is Sam Overwork and my question is related to the financial sector of our economy. I am about to retire and I am concerned about my life savings. Could you shed some light on the direction this sector may be headed?” asked the man as he returned to his seat.
“Thank you Mr. Overwork,” replied the President. “As you may or may not know, with my efforts currently focused on our leadership efforts in the war on terror, I have not been able to stay in touch with the day to day efforts in protecting consumers from the larger financial institutions such as banks and Wall Street. Some months back, I asked Vice-President Biden to monitor this situation from his perch in the Senate where as you know we anticipate passing very important comprehensive financial reform legislation which will provide those protections so needed by the consumer base in America. I will ask the Vice-President to comment on our progress with this bill.”
“Yes, yes, thank you. I believe you said your name was “Overwork”, is that right?” asked the Vice-President as he stepped to the podium. “Yes” replied the gentleman who had asked the question. “Well, Mr. Overwork, I suggest that at your first opportunity you take a trip down to the local courthouse here in Knockemstiff and have your damn name changed to “smart-ass”. How dare you question the President on financial reform when your only concern is some piddle-assed little savings account that you probably have in a CD down at the bank. Don’t you understand that we are dealing in big business here and trying to find ways to protect a damn fool from himself? Apparently you don’t because you look like a damn fool and you know what they say about a damn fool and his money. So sit down and shut your pie-hole so we can get to the important things in this discussion.”
“Well, where did the time go?” says the President. “We are out of time and the Vice-President and I are on a very tight schedule, which by the way, is the reason that I have not yet been out to Arizona to meet with those nice folks about the signs we had installed a week or two back. I will get out there I promise you but it will probably be after the mid-term elections and after we have moved this all important legislation regarding comprehensive immigration reform through the Congress. The good governor out there has graciously offered to buy me lunch and I just cannot wait to have one of those big cheeseburgers in downtown Phoenix. But ya’ll don’t say nothin’ to Michelle. It’ll be our little secret!” On behalf of the Vice-President and my entire administration, I want to thank all of the patriotic citizens of Knockemstiff for having faith in our ability to see this great nation through a time of crisis which was woefully and totally caused by rogue elements of the previous Bush Administration. We’re gonna fix it America and bring about real change in the process!”
And the curtain descends as Obama turns to Biden and says “Gee Joe, you saved our ass on this one. I had no idea the level of detail to which you were involved. I am thinking of taking you along everywhere I go! Now let’s get out to the course, it’s tee-time! The End.