Sanders for President in 2016
Yes, it's time for Sanders
In these days of uncertainty and doubt, we need a hero. We need someone who will look out for us. We crave a larger-than-life figure who knows how to win.
The economy stinks like yesterday's sweat socks after full-court basketball with Barack Obama followed immediately by 18 holes of golf with Obama, Bill Clinton, and John Boehner. No jobs exist except for counting people who don't have jobs. The Internet goes down all too often. Cars are too expensive. Health insurance is only available to the super rich who can afford it or the super poor who get it free from everyone else. Nothing is fair any more.
Into the political fray jumps our man Sanders. He has the skills to make everything better again. We were once a great nation of laws and people: we can be that way again after Sanders gets finished with us. Read onward with me to see how that can happen. If we all pull together to elect this amazing man, life will be good.
Sanders will score for us
We need a leader who knows how to be a team player. When Israel and Palestine lob missiles at each other, a strong leader who can bring everyone to the negotiating table will be personified in the glorious personality of Sanders. He has a long successful history of contributing to teams both as a leader and a lead blocker.
At halftime of high level meetings he will deliver inspiring motivational speeches to his cabinet. He will appear on Sunday morning chat shows to patiently explain complex strategies for long-term victory. He will be constantly scouting the political landscape for promising talent.
He never fumbles the football of international politics. He holds onto his ideas like a pigskin in a really bad rainstorm on a muddy field before they invented artificial turf. The last thing we need these days is a risk-taking self-centered politician eschewing the safe runs in favor of long bombs that may come down in the wrong hands. Sanders will be a game-changer who maintains possession of our foreign policy with both hands.
Sanders will feed our hunger for change
We know things are rotten these days. You can't walk across the street without a crashing stock falling on your head or something not being made in America any more. It seems like the only products made in USA are fast food chicken sandwiches and mashed potatoes. In some places you can also get pizza, but that is probably cooked by somewhat illegal aliens living in rent-controlled housing.
Electing Sanders will bring back all the manufacturing that we sorely lack. The man has extensive experience building businesses all across our planet. No one possesses a higher level of name recognition. His face draws a crowd wherever it appears. People line up to buy his products and bask in his visage. People buy what he is selling. If you think Donald Trump is a successful businessman, think some more. Think about businesses thriving in every country, reaching out to the cultures of diversity wherever they rear their heads. From the dry desolate plains of Soviet Georgia to the bustling squalor of Soweto, people reach out to the paper bag of freedom proffered by Sanders. Erstwhile humans seek emotional nourishment and almost never leave unfulfilled. They wash down their satisfaction with the Pepsi of solace in a 32 ounce reusable cup.
Life is jagged. Sanders will smooth it.
When you wake up in the morning, trudge to the kitchen, and rip your big toe on a jagged splinter? That is so unfair. Sanders will do everything in his power to make the kitchen floor of your life smooth again. When your boss sticks a broken 2X4 into your personal life by making you work for less than minimum wage, Sanders will fire up his political machine. He will wield the recirculating belts of societal evolution to get you what you deserve. You are his favorite project.
Indeed, we all need reconstruction in these dark times of cross-cutting politicians who build for a while but end up leaving our emotional workspace all messy. Sanders cleans up after himself and makes sure that his shop stewards follow up on any outstanding issues like code violations or nail pops. He also comes with a long-term warranty that guarantees protection against unforeseen dangers, both foreign and domestic.
The conclusion must be obvious by now. If you've read this far you now know that Sanders is the only man for the job of President of the United States. Pikers like Dr. Ben Carson should go home and stick to saving the lives of children through complex surgical procedures. Amateurs such as Carly Fiorina need to go back to building multi-billion dollar US corporations employing thousands of people, rather than interfering in politics. Sanders has everything covered.