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Seven Ridiculous Assassination Attempts on Fidel Castro

Updated on July 6, 2015


Fidel Castro, the leader of Cuba from 1959-2008, once said, "If surviving assassination attempts were an Olympic event, then I would win the gold medal."

The United States has sought to end the rule of Castro over many years, whether it be because of the national threat of Cuba or the hatred of communism in the US. The CIA was in charge of accomplishing this goal; and there attempts, to say the least, are creative. Imagine an eight year year old boy was given the duty to come up with ways to kill Castro. Despite the lack of efficacy in such international murderous plots, the whole ordeal is still interesting.

1. Exploding Cigar

It seems the CIA just finished watching Saturday cartoons and decided "Hey, why don't we try to get Castro to smoke an exploding cigar?" This plan never did come into fruition though, most likely because Bugs Bunny beat them to the punch line. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!

2. Poisoned Wetsuit

The CIA thought up some ways to kill Castro through his love of scuba diving. The plan was to give Castro a tuberculosis bacilli ridden wetsuit and get Castro to wear it. This would cause a deadly skin reaction and rid the CIA of the Castro problem. Of course, this plan was never followed through and Castro was just given a normal wetsuit. Don't kill your enemies; give them gifts.

3. Exploding Sea Shell

What do you get when you combine Castro and an exploding sea shell? No results. This time the CIA decided to plant a bizarre-looking sea shell in the water where Castro dived. The shell was supposed to be alluring and draw Castro to his death. Nonetheless, like many other plans, it never was actually tried.

4. Cold Cream of Death

On a bottle of cold cream the acceptable uses definitely do not include poisoning a Cuban dictator; still, the CIA thought this was a good idea. The CIA even recruited Castro's ex, Maria Lorenz, to commit the deed. And, like most exes would, she agreed to do it. Castro discovered the plot and pulled his gun out on Lorenz. But, Castro simply handed the gun to her and asked if she came to kill him. It turned out that Lorenz could not kill him.

5. Poisoned Milkshake

This attempt was actually the closest the CIA ever came to stopping Castro. The idea was to put a poisoned pill into Fidel's milkshake and then watch him die. And, what better delivery boys than American mobsters? The pill was stowed away in a nearby freezer and ready for retrieval. Sadly, the pill stuck to the ice and when it was pulled out the pill tore apart. Castro survived yet another covert assassination.

6. The Poisoned Pen

The CIA believed truly in the saying, "The pen is mightier than the sword." They proved this when they hatched a plan to kill Castro with a poisoned pen. In reality though, the pen does not compare to the sword. And, the CIA found this out the hard way.

7. Exploding Podium

The latest known attempt to kill Castro was in 2000. The attempt utilized 200 lbs. of explosives and a podium that Castro was supposed to speak at in Panama. However, Castro's security team found the bombs and aborted the speech. Even a CIA operative was jailed this time; luckily though, he was released later on a pardon.

He is Unstoppable

It seems that the CIA only have two methods of killing people: poison and explosives. Despite their complex repertoire of ideas, the CIA never could kill Castro over a span of 40 years of attempts. All the US really did accomplish is the wasting of money and time that inadvertently led to Castro's belief that he is unstoppable. After all, if the US cannot kill you after so many attempts, then you must be something out of this world.

What is the best way to kill Castro?

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