The 10 Dumbest Fantasies That I Have Ever Had
I would like to start off "The 10 Dumbest Fantasies I've Ever Had," with
1. CATCHING MAFIA KINGPIN, JOHN GOTTI
and his bodyguards out in public and running up to him and yelling, "Hey, you! The guy with the big gut! You are nothing but a panty waist. You are lucky that your bodyguards are with you."
2. BARGING INTO (A) LADIES ROOM
at any restaurant or bar and just looking like I belonged in there while the ladies are screaming and calling for the manager.
3. DRESSING UP LIKE A VIET CONG
soldier and running my car through the guarded-gates at Parris Island, South Carolina, the site for Marine boot camp training. I would yell out in Viet Cong, "you are American dogs!" and fly the Viet Cong flag running from guards and whatever angry Marines were chasing me.
4. ATTENDING A HIT BROADWAY PLAY
and in the crucial scene, run onto the stage and start singing, "Pretty Woman," by the late Roy Orbison.
5. PUSHING MY WAY INTO THE MIDDLE OF A BIKER GANG
flex my muscles and say, "Who's the leader of this rag-tag, poor excuse for a biker gang?" "Let me see him for I can whip anyone in this gang without breaking a sweat!"
6. BREAKING A WHISKEY BOTTLE
over the head of a notorious Columbia drug lord in front of his crew.
THE GOLDMANS (ABOVE)
are seen weekly on Hardcore Pawn. They are cast as themselves and are as rough as a corn cob. They tell their customers "it's our way or the highway," and they mean it. My Number Seven Dumbest Fantasies I've Ever Had is . . .
to walk briskly into their pawn shop carrying an old poster I got off a back lot fence and demand them to pay me a thousand dollars for it. When they, the Goldmans object, I will turn into a smart alec and say, "I am not going to leave unless you pay me." And will back that up with, "I am highly-trained in Kung Fu, Judo and Karate, so take my word. I am very rough." What would they do to me? Any guesses?
BORROW MONEY TO TRAVEL TO INDIA
"Snake Charming Capital of The World," and bully my way through a crowd who are enjoying the talents of a local snake charmer and while I push him away, "you want to see real talent? Huh?" "Well, I am about to take this cobra in my bare hands and throw it into the crowd and see who is the bravest and not run!"
DURING THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
with Nick Saban's Crimson Tide of Alabama playing some other college team, con my way to the Bama sideline and get in Saban's face and bark, "You need to sit down, little guy, before I straighten you out!"
RUN UP AND DOWN MAIN STREET IN DALLAS, TEXAS
waving my arms and yelling to the top of my lungs, "this is the nastiest town I have ever seen!" "Someone call an exterminator. The smell of this town is worse than road kill."