The All New "Screw You" Board Game
The United States Government would like to welcome you to our new interactive board game, “SCREWED OR NOT SCREWED.” This is our first broadcast and we’re sure happy that you decided to tune in. (canned applause)
I’m your host, Uncle Sam.
Here’s how the game is played. Viewers will call in to participate. When we have a viewer on the line, we’ll roll the dice. The dice number will determine which square you land on, and you will then learn your fate in the game.
And we have our first contestant. Let’s begin the game!
BOB FROM TOLEDO
“Hello, Bob! Tell us a little something about yourself before we roll the dice.”
“Hi Uncle Sam! Thanks for taking my call. Oh, this is exciting. Okay, well, my name is Bob Tuller, and I’m a forty-five year old computer programmer for a Fortune 500 firm. I’m married to a wonderful woman, Julia, and we have two great kids. I’ve had this job for ten years now. Life is pretty good. We manage to get by with a few extras. We don’t live beyond our means and we’ve learned to make do and even tuck a little away for our kids’ education.”
“That’s great, Bob! Okay, let’s roll the dice and see where you land. (sound of dice hitting the board)
“Bob, your roll is a six. Let’s move your marker and….oh my goodness, you just landed on the Outsource Square. It says your job has been outsourced to China due to a new Free Trade agreement between the United States and China. You have two weeks left in your current position and then your employer will have to lay you off. In other words, Bob, YOU ARE SO SCREWED!” (audience groans) “We’re terribly sorry, Bob, but our hands are tied. Signing that new trade agreement will help the major corporations but unfortunately, the little guy will take it in the shorts. Well, that’s just the way it goes.”
“Now for our next participant.”
MARY IN TOPEKA
“Hi, Mary, and welcome to our show! Tell us about yourself, please.”
“Hello, Uncle Sam! I’m a little bit nervous, but thanks for letting me play. Well, I’m thirty years old and I work part-time as a waitress. I still live with my parents. I can’t seem to save enough for my own place, and some medical problems in the past have me in debt. I’m hoping to do well in this game and get back on my feet.”
“Well let’s see how you do, Mary. (sound of dice) Oh, you rolled a three, Mary. You just landed on Nobody Gives A Damn Avenue. It says that you are certainly welcome to go to Social Services, but you’ll be shuffled around by bored civil servants who really could care less about your problems, and eventually your file will be lost and you’ll get no help at all. In other words, Mary, YOU ARE SCREWED! Just take a number and we’ll get to you when we can.”
ERIC FROM OLYMPIA
“Eric, how’s it going this evening?”
“Not good, Uncle Sam. Not good at all. I’m a sixty-five year old veteran of Vietnam. I was wounded over in Nam and I’ve been on disability for almost forty years. Damned wound flares up and gives me fits, you know? Anyway, I was proud to serve my country and at least I made it home, unlike a lot of my buddies.”
“That’s great, Eric! Hey, thanks for serving the Red, White and Blue. Let’s roll your dice and hope for the best. Okay, you rolled a four. You just landed on What Have You Done For Me Lately Boulevard. Eric, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your case file has been lost and you won’t be getting your disability check for the next two months. Might as well kiss goodbye those meds you have to take for pain, too, because your benefits no longer cover them. Your country would love to help you but damn it, boy, we’ve got new veterans to take care of and, well, we have to prioritize. Eric, YOU ARE SCREWED!”
DEANNA FROM DES MOINES
“Deanna, welcome to the show! How’s life in Des Moines today?”
“It’s okay, Uncle Sam. No complaints here in corn country. Me and my husband work two-hundred acres of corn but man alive, it’s tough making any kind of profit these days. Prices are brutal, the weather ain’t cooperating and I’m not sure we’ll be able to carry on too many more years.”
“Well, Deanna, let’s see if we can change your luck. You just rolled a two. That’s a Legislation Card. Let me read it to you. The United States Congress just passed legislation that gives broad powers to companies like Monsanto. Hell, Deanna, we’re basically going to let them do whatever the hell they want. We won’t legislate them, birddog them or make them follow any moral compass at all. In fact, we’re pretty much going to let them form a monopoly and put you and your husband out of business. Tough luck, Deanna, but I hear McDonald’s is hiring. You guessed it….YOU ARE SCREWED!”
JOSH IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK
“Josh, it’s good to have you with us. Tell us about yourself.”
“Well, Uncle Sam, I’m on the Board of Directors for Chase. Life is damned good. My investments are making money as we speak and I’m thinking of taking a vacation next week because I have to use up all my frequent flyer miles.”
“Josh, it is very good to have you with us. We all appreciate all that you do for our economy. Let me roll your dice….yes, you got a one. Your card says that your Uncle will take care of you so don’t you worry at all. Make some more investments and we’ll see if we can’t make up some new, creative tax loopholes to protect you. Feel free to stick it to the little guy and hey, have a great vacation. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT SCREWED.”
ADRIENNE FROM LOS ANGELES
“Uncle Sam, thanks for letting me play. I’m a single woman, black, and a lesbian. Life’s a struggle right now but I’m hoping today is the day my luck will change.”
“Well, Adrienne, I hate to tell you this, but strike one, strike two and strike three….woman, black and lesbian. There’s no need to roll the dice, young lady. YOU ARE SCREWED!”
FRANK IN D.C.
“Frank, our time is almost up. Quickly tell us about yourself.”
“Well Uncle Sam, I’m a bit surprised you don’t recognize me. Frank? I’ve been a congressman for twenty-five years now. I’m living the good life. I’ve got some soft money coming into my treasury that nobody knows about. I haven’t paid for a meal out in a quarter of a century. I just got two pork barrel projects passed through Congress and of course, that means more money in my pocket. And those idiots in my congressional district back home keep voting me into office. I’m not sure how life could be any better.”
“Well God bless America, Frank. Thank you for serving your nation with honor and integrity. We don’t need to roll the dice. We all know that today you are the biggest winner. Congratulations, Frank, and thanks to all who are playing our game daily at home.
“Tune in next week and find out who is screwed and who is not screwed in our great country.”
2015 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)