The Liberal Newsletter
What Liberals like should be mandatory and what they don’t like should be banned. In fact, what they like should be the law of the land and anyone who disagrees with their laws should be severely punished by having their character destroyed on the internet, their finances and personal information publicized so that everyone can participate in the hate-fest, and their children, parents, and other family members mocked incessantly. Since Liberals see gun violence as a problem, then of course we should ban all guns, all ammunition, toy guns, toy ammunition, bows, arrows, darts, throwing spears, laser tag, lawn jarts, and anything else that can be shot. Then almost all crime will disappear overnight without those nasty firearms just randomly shooting people all by themselves. Since we’re on a roll, we should also ban religion, especially that evil one called Christianity. We can’t possibly have anything as powerful as religion; exist as it will compel people to think too much. Why it could even compete with the Liberal doctrine of worshipping big government, and we just can’t have any of that. We tell people what is right and what is wrong, not some silly two thousand year old book. Now I know what you are thinking, that with Christianity being outlawed, are we going to get rid of Islam? Well sorry to burst your bubble, but the answer is NO! Seriously, that cult doesn’t play into the roots of America, so they aren’t on our radar. We need to get the word God off of our currency, and out of our courthouses. The only thing people should be swearing to follow is the Liberal Manifesto or Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals.” Religion also has a direct influence on feelings; emotions which we need to channel to carry out our glorious missions and if they’re contaminated with this whole god thing, they are useless. You see, feelings are much more important in Liberalism than facts. If a Liberal feels concerned about the poor in Africa, well then that’s important even if we don’t help them. It’s the point that we felt something for them that is measured on the grand scale of Liberalism. Likewise, the super Liberals will demonstrate real leadership by taking feeling one step further and having “intentions.” Now I know how shocking it must be even seeing it printed on paper, but yes, it does exist and it is so amazing to hear about. When Government intends to give everyone health insurance and instead they launch a bloated almost certain to fail program with more regulations than can be printed on a forest full of trees, that’s something. You see, they intended on solving a small problem with a big overreaching solution, but hey, if taking more of your freedom away is possible in one of their solutions, you bet they’ll do it. Can’t you understand that any problem, no matter how big or how small can be fixed by the Liberal run government; it must also be noted that any crisis, no matter how small can likewise be exploited to preach about the government and their ability to fix things. Now we all must realize that the word problem means nothing to a Liberal, but the amount of money they can spend and the amount of control they can exercise in the execution of their solution; now that’s what really matters. I mean, everyone knows just how smart they are right? Well they tell us every day about how they are the intellectuals of our nation and can do everything. It doesn’t matter if they ever actually held a job or anything; that’s for the little people. Remember – shovel-ready means anything that you have ever thought of, like building a low-rent housing complex that floats on water or an abortion clinic that’s mobile and brings the slaughter straight to you, saving you that hassle of driving to a clinic and filling out stupid forms and watching videos about adoption and such. Heck, no good liberal could risk putting their baby up for adoption for fear it might fall into the hands of a conservative; oh the shame that would bring. Better to just kill it to be sure. I mean we all know that the only real sin in Liberal land is agreeing with a conservative….on anything. When the Liberal left says support homosexual marriage and those on the right disagree, well then we call them homophobic and our friends in the press just tear them to shreds. Likewise with Global Warming, I mean cooling, no I mean climate change, no I mean global warming/cooling change, or is it climate changing global or something like that; anyway when the Conservatives disagree, we call them ”deniers” and make it sound real evil-like as if we have the moral and scientific high ground backing up our thoughts. Heck, we have loads of climate scientists on our payrolls who will print anything we tell them too, plus a whole lot of tenured professors who are union members and they’ll support those scientists and even teach it to the kids. I mean, everyone but those stupid think-for-themselves Conservatives believes in the theories we support and just wait until those fifty years pass, the Conservatives will see we were right to take over the lightbulb sector and reduce coal mining and oil production. We had to do it to save some endangered mouse and save the environment from the evil toxic CO2 gas that is killing everyone; except for all the plants and trees of course. Some of them even have the nerve to say earth is symbiotic in nature; well we shut them down right away. Liberals love the environment, so much that we’ll put whole towns out of work to save it. Water is our specialty but people just don’t appreciate it when we make a river a wonderful Sulphur color; imagine how healthy your skin would get from all those heavy metal exfoliants in that water. We’re even thinking about bottling up some to sell to help reduce the nation debt, which is all George Bush’s fault by the way. It’s only by the grace of government that his majesty President Obama was able to save the republic from being a total loss after the Bush’s reign of terror on the nation. Illegal wars, lying to Congress about those WMD’s, and just being named Bush all contributed to the chaos. Luckily Comrade Leader Obama was able to reinvest the much needed capital into the infrastructure of the Obamacare mainframe computer systems which were run by his personal friends who got the job without bidding on it. And the added highway safety he added by buying all the old cars in the cash for clunkers program has been lifesaving for newly arrived undocumented immigrants who have a hard enough time driving without being able to understand English let alone have some old cars on the road next to them. The Obama charisma continues to shine through as he leads on the front nine and the back nine, sometimes without even using a cart or caddy. Now that’s leadership ladies and gentlemen. But I’ve already leaked too much information on Liberalism, but I will leave you with the single most important tool in the toolbox; it’s called the race card. No, it’s not really a card, but it has the power to change things on a scale that is simply amazing. When properly played, it can have criminal charges dropped from murderous teenage gangbangers, allow current and former politicians to avoid paying taxes, but best of all, it makes us Santa Clause. Yes, we can give out welfare, free phones, housing, EBT cards (those are real cards,) and even cut checks to people all in the name of racial equality. We laugh our way home every day knowing that the country is so deep in debt because of George Bush, but we keep making it worse, and its Bush’s fault still. Why it’s still possible that we can naturalize all of the undocumented Democrats living in those protected sanctuary cities before the election to make sure we win at all costs. Well, I’m sure I can share more of the platform on the next installment of the Liberal Newsletter, but until then, хорошего дня (have a nice day!)
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