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The Lighter Side Of Crime
Too often we are assailed by the media with reports of terrible crimes erupting across the nation. For the victims it is never a laughing matter. For the taxpayers it is an expensive issue in terms of investigating, prosecuting and jailing those guilty of these crimes. Every now and then, we are rewarded with a few laughs at the perpetrator's expense. The following stories are only a minute fraction of many that are recorded in the annals of criminal history.
Recent Bungled Attempts
83 year old George Plane, Jr. of Mooresville, North Carolina must have been fed up with his job as a greeter at a local Walmart. On March 6th, after ending his shift, he went to his car and donned the disguise he believed would enable him to get away with robbing his employer. However, he failed to disguise the trademark blue shirt and khaki pants required of Walmart employees.
He then proceeded to the Garden Center, pulled out a gun and demanded one of his fellow employees to empty the cash register. Grabbing his loot, he pointed the gun into the air and fired before making the get away in his car. He surrendered after a short standoff when police spotted his car not far from the robbery location.
Akron, Ohio police found priest, Father Ignatius Kury passed out in the backseat of his crashed vehicle Friday night, March 4th. His exercise of poor judgment and bad behavior bring a whole new meaning to being a spiritual leader given his practice of imbibing spirits of the liquid kind. His blood alcohol reading was three times the legal driving limit.
Father Kury wasn't happy about finding himself with his liberties curtailed by confinement in a cell while handcuffed to the wall. Passing guards were assaulted by his protests and pleadings for release. A videotape shows him swinging between rants and offers of payment for his release. One moment he's asking for America to love him and singing the National Anthem, the next he's complaining about his handcuffs.
Asking what was expected to grant him renewed freedom, he offered to pay whatever was wished for. He shocked his guards by exclaiming, “What do you want? Want me to give you a blow job? Is that what you want? Do you want me to be a sexual slave?”
21 year old Cory Mogen knew just what he wanted to top off a night of partying that netted him a whopping .22 on a breathalyzer test...........Pizza Hut Wings! The trouble with satisfying his craving was that it was after hours and the local Pizza Hut where he was employed, was closed. Not willing to allow a little thing like locked doors and alarms to persuade him from his mission, he broke into the restaurant and moved ahead with his plan.
St. Cloud, Minnesota police booked him on charges of burglary after checking on a report that the store's alarm had been tripped. They arrived to find Cory diligently working hard to fulfill his dream of a healthy helping of Pizza Hut Chicken Wings. They claim the back door was open and a marinara sauce mess had been made in Cory's “attempt” to fry up his tasty dish.
What's worse than being jilted before the wedding? Being jilted and robbed at the same time, only to discover that the robbery gains were used to pay for your ex-fiance's wedding to another woman. Raymond Jackson, 41, was sentenced to eleven and a half years for stealing a laptop, credit cards, the engagement ring, luggage, and money from a 39 year old Wisconsin woman.
The women told police they had planned to marry in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, but he had a job interview in South Dakota to attend to first. Following his departure for the supposed interview, she realized the items listed were missing, later discovering that he had used her credit card to buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii. Follow up reports indicate that Jackson also used her credit card to pay for a hotel, flowers, and other expenses and air flights associated with his Hawaiian wedding to a Russian woman.
A Few Classic Examples Of Stupid Criminals
Detectives in Georgia got a quick confession instead of mere confirmation of their suspicions. While investigating a purse snatching, they picked up a man they believed fit the description given by the victim. The drove him to the scene of the crime and asked him to exit the car and face the victim for purposes of identification. After eyeballing the woman for several moments, the suspect nodded his head and exclaimed, “Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.”
In South Carolina even the drug dealers believe they are entitled to protection from fraud. One such person walked into a local police station and deposited a bag of cocaine on the counter. He proclaimed that the substance was of substandard cut and he wanted the person who sold it to him arrested immediately.
A company called “Guns For Hire” in Arizona stages gunfights for Western Movies and other entertainment events. A 47 year old woman who decided she was fed up with her husband, called to arrange to have him killed. She was sentenced to four and a half years imprisonment.
Siphoning gasoline from a vehicle is considered theft and therefore, unlawful. Seattle police found a sick man curled up next to a motor home with raw sewage spilled all around. The man admitted that he had been trying to steal gasoline when he mistakenly plugged his hose into the vehicle's sewage tank. The owner of the motor home decided not to press charges, explaining that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
This was one criminal willing to work at least a little bit for his money. When he demanded all the money in the register at an Arizona Kwik Shop, he was disappointed to discover a very small amount. Undaunted, he tied up the cashier and proceeded to work the counter himself, hoping to increase his take. Three hours later police arrived and arrested him.
This San Franciscan criminal mastermind needs to find a new line of work. He walked into a downtown branch of the Bank of America with an intent of robbery and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” After waiting in line several minutes, he began to worry that another customer had witnessed him writing the note and might call police before he got to the teller window. He decided to take his note across the street to a Wells Fargo bank. There, too, he waited in line patiently until it was his turn. Once at the window, he handed the teller the note.
Reading it carefully, she judged him to not be the brightest bulb in the pack due to his spelling errors. Taking a chance, she informed him that she would not be able to accommodate his request as the note was written on a deposit slip from Bank of America. The only solution would be for him to rewrite it on a Wells Fargo slip or take it back across the street to Bank of America. Not wanting to risk customers seeing him write another note, he chose to return to Bank of America. Police nabbed him a few moments later as he waited at the back of a line at Bank of America.
Need change for a $20? Don't follow this robber's example. He walked into a Circle K convenience store in Louisiana and plopped down a $20 bill, stating that he needed change. When the cashier opened the drawer to honor his request, the perpetrator pulled out a gun and demanded all the cash in the register. Doing as ordered, the cashier handed over the cash to the gunman who fled from the scene of the crime, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash received for his efforts? Fifteen dollars.
It's not always smart to be your own legal counsel. Christopher Jansen was on trial for drug possession in Michigan when he argued that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor explained that a warrant wasn't necessary because a “bulge” in the defendant's pocket could have been a firearm.
Christopher, who just happened to be wearing the same jacket, refused to accept the explanation and offered up the garment for inspection. Examining the pockets of the jacket, the judge discovered a packet of cocaine. He had so much trouble getting his laughter under control that he had to call a five minute recess to get himself composed.
Dennis Newton of Oklahoma City was doing a fair job of defending himself against charges of armed robbery in a convenience store, until the store manager stepped up to testify. When she testified that Newton was the robber, he became so enraged that he jumped up and accused the woman of lying to the court. He followed his allegation with, “I should of blown your f*cking head off!” Realizing too late what he had said, he paused for a split second and then quickly added, “if I'd been the one that was there.” The jury only took twenty minutes to convict and recommend a 30 year sentence.
A pair of Michigan robbers went into a record shop intent on coming out richer than they went in. Waving a loaded revolver around, the first one shouted out, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved toward the cash register, he startled the first perp who turned and shot him.
For some criminals, it's best not to deviate from plans. This guy walked into a corner store with a shotgun, intent on emptying the register. After the cashier willingly placed the cash into a bag provided by the crook, the would-be robber spotted a bottle of scotch on a shelf behind the counter. He instructed the cashier to add the bottle to the bag, but the cashier refused saying he didn't believe the crook to be of legal drinking age. Though the shotgun toting perp insisted that he was over 21, the cashier refused to believe him without proper proof. The robber took out his driver's license and gave it to the clerk as proof of age. After looking it over thoroughly, the cashier agreed on the issue of age and placed the bottle of scotch into the bag. Finally, the criminal ran from the store carrying the bag of money and scotch. Two hours later he was arrested at his home address which had been supplied by the cashier who had memorized the license.
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