Things That You Never Heard in Any Saloon in The Early West

In the early west the center of activity was not the church. Nor was it the corral where wild horses were broken, but the saloon. I do not feel the need to give you the definition of a saloon. My interpretation of the saloon was to some, the "local den of iniquity," where whiskey and beer sprang-up like wet-weather springs drowning numerous thirsts of wayward cowboys and penniless drifters.

The local saloon had it all and featured it all. Gambling with the house dealer or private poker games where many trail hands came in sober and money jangling and left broke and their skulls bursting from poor-distilled whiskey. Saloons suffered every stone threw at them and lived to thrive. Seems that there was no way to kill a saloon with gunpowder, laws, and prayers.

The saloon was rooted to stay. More than a few men and yes, women too, made a fair fortune from owning a saloon. Only the shrewd saloon owner saw the future and changed their "whiskey hole" image to a respectable place now referred to as a "bar," with gorgeous saloon girls who knew how to charm the roughest cowhand and stingy cattle barons. These girls were sent for by the smart saloon owners and trained by the best "charm mentors" in the east in the delicate machinery of pleasing men with a soft smile.

Saloons were never hypocritical. They were what they were and never pretended to be otherwise. There were the frequent Saturday night fist-fights, gunfights with real blood on the floor and by sunrise, business started over again fresh.

The most-anticipated time of the month for well-promoted saloon owners was the time when a cattle drive ended, and drinking, fighting, loving and gambling time started. One saloon owner with a bar full of cattle drovers could make as high as three to four thousand dollars in a two-day and night stretch. Back then, this was "real" money.

Every saloon had a thick white cloud of cigar and self-rolled cigarettes filling the air. But this only added to the rustic and raw atmosphere of the early saloons. And there was always talk. Everywhere you sat was talk. More talk than you could hear in a professional auctioneers convention. Ugly jokes, drunken tongues crying to a cold-hearted stranger about his love who shafted him for a traveling kitchen utensils salesmen.

But with that being said, there was, my friends,

Things That You Never Heard in Any Saloon in The Early West

(Probably the bartender is speaking):

• "Mister, don't ye' think that two bottles of whiskey is your limit?"
• "Hey, now. Don't spend any more of your hard-earned money. We won't accept it."
• "You tell a joke like that again and you will be thrown out."
• "My name's 'Sally.' Would you take me to church in the morning?"
• "Now wait, gunslinger. I do not want a fight, so let me lay my gunbelt on the floor."
• "Attention, ladies and gentlemen. It's 9 o'clock. Closing time."
• "Would you get that cattle stench out of here, friend?"
• "The next man who lights-up a cigar will be asked to leave. This is a non-smoking saloon."
• "Alright, you saloon girls. You best not be flirting with these cowpokes to buy your drinks for you."
• "Are you playing high-stakes poker over there? You men know you can only play for match sticks."
• "If you two guys are gonna fight, do it with your hands and slap each other. Using fists are illegal."
• "This is a roulette wheel, but not for gambling. It's to watch go round and round."
• "Somebody go get the marshal. This man's wearing a loaded pistol."
• "You card dealers get out of here. We only allow Old Maid cards to be used."
• "Sure, friend, our beer doesn't have alcohol. If it did, you would get drunk and we don't allow that."
• "When 8:30 rolls around, everyone stand for our nightly dismissal prayer."
• "Well, folks. Tomorrow we will be closed for it's Sunday."
• "Okay, all bank robbers and men running from the law, step up here and let the marshall arrest you."
• "Closing time and remember, all chewing gum is half price Monday when we open."