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Using Doritos as Projectile Weapons!

Updated on October 29, 2010

Using Doritos as Projectile Weapons!

Throughout history, men, and some overly aggressive women, strove and struggled for weaponry superior to that of adversaries encroaching on their borders. Early attempts included sharpened sticks that actually required combatants to be within poking range of each other. Wise battlers quickly recognized the opportunity for death or really bad scratches outweighed the satisfaction realized from getting in a really good poke.

Scientifically inclined men (but no women because girls hate science and math) invented devices for hurling pointed sticks and other various flotsam long distances toward advancing enemies. All was well until overanxious cannon operators improvised their ammunition by loading cannon with anything handy. Canon balls followed a predictable trajectory but dinner plates and sweat socks did not. A new paradigm was necessary.

Canon crews needed plentiful and expendable ammunition. Enterprising (and non-scientific) women observed that fast food aisles in local grocery stores offered a virtually endless supply of flotsam and jetsam that could be adapted to projectile applications. After some debate, Pringles were ruled out because they simply taste too good. Fritos were eliminated from consideration because they ignited too easily and were already outlawed by a little known anti corn-based projectile clause in the Magna Carta.

Following a conference of concerned women and Super Bowl sponsors, the decision was made to standardize on Doritos as projectile weapons. Grocery store observers observed that no matter how strong the demand for Doritos, a new shipment arrived every day, loaded to the scuppers with new and satisfying flavor combinations of America's favorite triangular snack food. These astute observers deduced that diverting a few bags of Cool Ranch or Original Flavor would have no impact on feeding the gaping maw of hungry sports fans on couches.

Empirical observation led to tentative hypothesis: any flavor of Dorito could be adapted to a severely effective projectile weapon. Congress stepped forward to pass the Salty Snack Food Defense Protection Act, thus preserving a steady stream of pointy processed edibles for national defense. Billions of dollars were allocated for the Dorito Umbrella and Falafel Unattackable Security (DUFUS) System (the Greek Food manufacturers lobby was very strong at that time).

DUFUS Defends Our Borders

For many uncounted years of history, the DUFUS system has defended our northern borders. Nestled comfortably along the Minnesota / Canada border are a complicated array of specially modified cannons and sufficient quantities of White Nacho flavored Doritos ammunition to turn back advancing hordes of Canadian snackers. Many brave border-protector men and women maintain a constant vigilance over the Boundary Waters, armed with Doritos projectile weapons and a massive supply of bottled water because those tasty triangles are really salty.


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    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      EVERYBODY!!! TO THE CHIPS! THERE"S A BREACH! There's a dip in the dip! They've double-dipped!!! Chips to the double-dipping-dipper!

    • lisadpreston profile image

      lisadpreston 7 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Can't stop laughing! You have my vote to be one of the elite. Not that anyone ever listens to me!

    • sheila b. profile image

      sheila b. 7 years ago

      For some odd reason I've never imagined doritos as weapons, but now that you mention it...

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      I do hope, nicomp, that you registered your DUFUS acronym with ASS - the Acronym Specialists Society so that no nefarious real-life doofus appropriates it.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Tom Whitworth: Your plan is under consideration. Expect to receive no credit.

      @Robwrite : We are holding massive cheese reserves in aerosol cans. They can be deployed within minutes.

      @Jeremey: Thank you for your support. We have our eye on you.

      @tlpoague: We consider this no laughing matter, but we prefer not to interfere in family matters.

      @Scribenet: You may have identified a flaw in our system. Given that your people are highly tolerant to salty snacks, this strategy could backfire on us.

    • Scribenet profile image

      Scribenet 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Well, your plan may have a flaw.

      We will be lining up at the US/Canadian border with huge tarpaulins stretched out and a complicated system of reclaiming containers (we, Canadians, don't waste a thing and recycle religiously).

      However, you may win because we will be too busy eating and burping and napping in shifts to do any advancing... so your other flavors may be safe!

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 7 years ago from USA

      I love it! I couldn't help but laugh and picture my brothers. Awesome hub!

    • Jeremey profile image

      Jeremey 7 years ago from Arizona

      I volunteer to participate in any training activities conducted to prepare our brave border-patrol triggermen and women!

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 7 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      They're at their most lethal with melted cheese.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 7 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      It's Pringle tubes, Tom. Are you a member of DUFUS? Doritos come in a bag. Cute hub, nicomp. I'll vote for you for 3rd place.

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 7 years ago from Moundsville, WV


      I have a weapons system upgrade that would slash the defense budget. Just employ empty Doritos containers and use them as mortar tubes to project the Doritos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @breakfastpop: I've not tasted a bullet.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 7 years ago

      I've been using Doritos as weapons for years. They are very effective. and they taste much better than bullets.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      I am out of the competition. After campaigning for a position at the HubPages Elite table, I refuse to participate in a competition that includes current Eliters.

      Good night and good luck.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      This could very well be the winner. Hilarious! Your DUFUS acronym was worth the price of admission. Now go outside and play.