Using Doritos as Projectile Weapons!

Throughout history, men, and some overly aggressive women, strove and struggled for weaponry superior to that of adversaries encroaching on their borders. Early attempts included sharpened sticks that actually required combatants to be within poking range of each other. Wise battlers quickly recognized the opportunity for death or really bad scratches outweighed the satisfaction realized from getting in a really good poke.

Scientifically inclined men (but no women because girls hate science and math) invented devices for hurling pointed sticks and other various flotsam long distances toward advancing enemies. All was well until overanxious cannon operators improvised their ammunition by loading cannon with anything handy. Canon balls followed a predictable trajectory but dinner plates and sweat socks did not. A new paradigm was necessary.

Canon crews needed plentiful and expendable ammunition. Enterprising (and non-scientific) women observed that fast food aisles in local grocery stores offered a virtually endless supply of flotsam and jetsam that could be adapted to projectile applications. After some debate, Pringles were ruled out because they simply taste too good. Fritos were eliminated from consideration because they ignited too easily and were already outlawed by a little known anti corn-based projectile clause in the Magna Carta.

Following a conference of concerned women and Super Bowl sponsors, the decision was made to standardize on Doritos as projectile weapons. Grocery store observers observed that no matter how strong the demand for Doritos, a new shipment arrived every day, loaded to the scuppers with new and satisfying flavor combinations of America's favorite triangular snack food. These astute observers deduced that diverting a few bags of Cool Ranch or Original Flavor would have no impact on feeding the gaping maw of hungry sports fans on couches.

Empirical observation led to tentative hypothesis: any flavor of Dorito could be adapted to a severely effective projectile weapon. Congress stepped forward to pass the Salty Snack Food Defense Protection Act, thus preserving a steady stream of pointy processed edibles for national defense. Billions of dollars were allocated for the Dorito Umbrella and Falafel Unattackable Security (DUFUS) System (the Greek Food manufacturers lobby was very strong at that time).

For many uncounted years of history, the DUFUS system has defended our northern borders. Nestled comfortably along the Minnesota / Canada border are a complicated array of specially modified cannons and sufficient quantities of White Nacho flavored Doritos ammunition to turn back advancing hordes of Canadian snackers. Many brave border-protector men and women maintain a constant vigilance over the Boundary Waters, armed with Doritos projectile weapons and a massive supply of bottled water because those tasty triangles are really salty.