ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Vote For Me

Updated on October 30, 2014
Source

Go to the Polls and Get Involved

The upcoming election represents an opportunity for your voice to be heard. Your voice may be squeaky and hoarse from sleeping with your mouth open but we are listening. When you cast your vote(s), please consider casting a few for me. I am here to serve you. I am uniquely qualified and highly energized. You won't regret supporting me. Take a few moments to review my humble plea for your consideration.

I represent you

You and I are just like me. A vote for me may as well be putting yourself in office to represent all that you and I hold dear as we journey together through this thing we call life.

I grew up in your town. My kids attend your schools, not some elitist schools across town. You and I shop at the same local businesses, spending the same denominations of money on identical bags of Frito's. I am probably in line behind you right now. Please shove your toilet paper toward the cashier so I can load my perishables onto the belt.

I celebrate holidays generically
I celebrate holidays generically

I share your values

We hold dear the same values, including family values. My family matters to me more than everything including my family values. A favorite thing for me is sitting on a blanket in a park on a sunny day whilst tousling the tousled hair of my 2.5 children as my spouse gazes on approvingly. We smile together and it makes us closer.

I completely oppose unlicensed badgers running wild in packs through elementary schools.

I am in favor of freedom of choosing things when you want to choose those things. This is valuable to me. Your choice to make a choice or choose not to make a choice is a right that I will defend.

I am pro police

On a typical day I walk closely with unionized police and firefighters grouped tightly together. We stroll intently, closely listening and hearing. Often we gather 'round a police car or even a fire truck to gaze intently into each others' eyes while hanging on every word each of us sincerely says to one another.

I often want more police and I would never dream of the possibility of considering reductions in basic services. You should not have to put up with meth-heads on the corner when you carry your recycling to the curb for free pickup, which I also endorse in the environmental planks of my comprehensive platform.

I am deeply in favor of parallel parking and trees.

I am pro-education.
I am pro-education.

I am in favor of the Middle Class

When I am elected I will work hard every day to strengthen the Middle Class. The Middle Class is the engine of our marvelous class system. I heartily support middle class concepts and techniques with all my heart. If I was in the Middle Class I would be very good at it. We need to yank the lower classes up to Middle Class status while gently jerking The Rich down to our level.

The Rich need to pay more taxes comprising their Fair Share. Poor people should pay no taxes and Middle Class working families should actually receive money from the government in support of all the wonderful things they do. We should build more Middle Class parks and schools and planned communities.


I am deeply involved in The Community

My roots delve deeply into communal involvement wherein we all benefit. I am a church-going volunteer sports coach (boys and girls because girls deserve the same opportunities as girls) who loves to attend Summer festivals while having a great time. If there is litter on the road in my dearly heartfelt community I always pick it up lovingly and recycle it at a center staffed by local employees who pay taxes.

I will fight for you

I will struggle. I will go to the mat with Evil Corporations who hate your guts. I will wrest power from those who would make you eat generic Pop Tarts. Together we will make a better life for you. Already I have a black eye and dislocated jaw from fighting for you: thankfully I am covered by government health insurance.

I am a friend of working people

If you have a job I am and always will be your friend. You can count on me. Working men and women are the finest humans I have ever met in my life. Were I to be stranded on a deserted island I would choose to have working men and women with me. Almost all of my respect is allocated to people who hold jobs and go to those jobs and are also men and women.

This is a complete sentence. I am in favor of complete sentences.
This is a complete sentence. I am in favor of complete sentences.

My opponent is vermin

Do not, under any circumstances, vote for my opponent. He is a left-handed anarchist who hates model trains. Rumors suggest he once served in the Russian Army. With my own eyes I saw him kick a goldfish.

He will not fight for you. He runs away from butterflies. His cowardice is legendary and he takes weekends off. He accepts bags of cash from Evil Lobbyists. I think he is actively planning to convert to Zoroastrianism.

A Sincere and Heartfelt Conclusion

If you feel that you absolutely must vote, please vote for me. I would do the same for you.

Take this handy poll so I can know your mind

I am in favor of the environment

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drBJ I quit BubbleWS so y'all are stuck with me.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      3 years ago from south Florida

      Oh, darn, I found this uniquely entertaining hub too late to cast my vote. Would you please run in the next election so I can stuff our Florida ballot box with votes for you?

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      24 views. Sigh.

    • handymanbill profile image

      Bill 

      3 years ago from western pennsylvania

      You got mine sounds like just what we all need ha ha.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)