You Really Start Worrying About Today's Generation When..

It probably goes without saying that every generation throughout history has deemed themselves superior, on one level or another, to the generation that follows. It was true for my grandparents, it was true for my parents, and yeah, it is true for me. I am a child of the late 70's and early 80's, and the distinct contrast I've noticed between my kids' generation and my own is that the separating differences in cultural advances and attitudes seem a whole lot vaster than those generational gaps of the past. Whereas my parents were more comfortable in accepting or at least adjusting themselves with the trends of my generation, trying to deal with what is accepted as contemporary mores and lifestyle is tediously frustrating for this generation itself as well as its predecessors. So I often worry about this generation, wondering if the so-called progressive changes of their today may not just prove to be their downfall in a not-so-distant future?

With this said, I've made up a list of some of the most glaring examples. While some may sound like nothing more than curmudgeonly griping, I have a feeling some of you will understand perfectly the head-shaking sense of surrealness these situations often provide.

When you realize that compared to Kanye West, Ozzy Osbourne is one lucid-headed individual.

When an unexpected visit from your best friend usually means they’ve unwithered your crops.

When your kids grab their throats and croak, “Second hand smoke!” when you offer them a candy cigarette.

When you tell your little ones to go outside to play with their friends and they are afraid the sun will “despawn” their whole mob.

When following the idea of conserving water entails slipping on accumulated shampoo at the bottom of the tub and breaking an arm.

When people see no irony in wearing a Che Guevara tee shirt to a peace rally.

When the Muppets have a new television series even though they haven’t been funny since before the industry did away with analog.

When it is no longer considered snide but good manners to ask someone, “So what are you offended about today?”

When attempting to help your kids with their math homework you have to explain why back in the day, multiplying 10 by 3 and getting an answer did not require writing a short thesis on why the correct number is close to the temperature water has to be to freeze.

When surfing has nothing to do with the ocean and a board.

When wearing a sombrero and fake mustache on Halloween is called culturally insensitive; but the wearing of a horned helmet and telling everyone that Thor’s magic hammer can be found in your pants is considered harmless fun.

When you can no longer order 30 pizzas to be delivered to your arch-enemy because it requires using your own credit card info for identity purposes.

When rich drug companies own the news corps that routinely report on the alleged hazards of cheap, natural remedies.

When Thanksgiving quarrels erupt because you got more Likes for sharing Grandma’s recipe for pecan dressing than your sister did.

When the preachiest people in your circle are atheists.

When you realize the Facebook experience will remain a deficient form of communication until they include a rolling-eyes-in-at-idiots button.

When you no longer can derive the sense of pure, karmic satisfaction in slamming a telephone receiver down to end a heated conversation.

When obese vegans do exist.

When female celebrities that brag loudest about raising their kids in gender-neutral environments are the most likely to get bust and fanny lifts.

When watching television involves not being able to see your program because of the skewered digital signals instead of the old snow which could be watched through.

When you realize you’ve come to hate football as much for it being used as a stupid social experiment as for just being a stupid sport.

When people use the term, “Old school” to describe any music style that was popular more than half a year ago.

When the same women who criticize the “body shaming” of overweight females complain that Jonah Hill and Kenan Thompson are fug-faced-fatties.

When asking a fast-food worker the salt content of a hamburger means you’re a conscientious parent, but asking the doctor what ingredients are in the vaccine means you’re a conspiracy theorist.

When there are males among our species who actually call the police to report some attractive woman has had the audacity to twerk at him in public.

When you tell the kids about the great cartoon you watched as a child and they assume Tom and Jerry was the original name of their favorite ice cream company.

When you tell your children about the gun rack you had inside your first vehicle -which you drove to high school every day- and they commend you for giving up the gangsta life.

When you tell your kids about how when you were young TV series used to film at least 20 episodes a season and they just assume you were a hallucinating alcoholic at ten years of age.

When you offer your kids french fries for dinner and they say that’s what their cafeteria nutritionist calls cancer sticks.

When the school board hires a cafeteria nutritionist for every school, but purchasing salt and pepper shakers is regarded as a waste of funds.

When you suffer nausea and treat it by drinking ginger ale, and the kids ask when did you turn into an anti-medicine religious freak?

When the couple with thirty brooding hens, twelve pregnant nanny goats and a harem of hound dogs complains that the impending birth of your third child will burden the already over-populated planet.

When you send a supply of packaged feminine hygiene pads to girls overseas you’re called a Good Samaritan; when you use packaged diapers for your infant, you’re labeled an environmental terrorist.

When you have to get a license to fish from the stream that runs through your property but the government doesn’t need anyone’s permission to drone-spy on you and your spouse in the hot tub.

When some people condemn the cultural theft of native peoples by immigrant whites in days past, but they don’t mind letting “undocumented” peoples commit the same crime against their own children today.

When you tell the kids what you could have expected had you pulled the same stunt at their age and they start referring to your parents simply as “Mr. And Mrs. Krampus”.

When you go to a parent-teacher conference and inadvertently refer to the new-fangled school whiteboards as blackboards, compelling the teacher to point, make a piercing scream and wait for the rest of the pod people to come collect your useless "racist" rear.

When the other moms you pass on the street make the sign of the cross because you didn’t sign your kids up for soccer.

When the other moms make the sign of the cross because you bought your kid a soda from the machine instead of a bottle of water.

When assigning homework, your kids’ teacher insists they only reference reliable sources, namely Wikipedia.

When you accompany your kids to the park and the other neighborhood parents accuse you of being a helicopter parent.

When you let your kids walk home by themselves from the park and Child Protective Services accuse you of being a negligent parent.

When your adolescent develops tennis elbow, but the closet thing to a racket they’ve ever held is their iPad.

When every time you ask your kids how their day was, they begin with, “Hashtag this, mom-”

When the same persnickety health-nuts at the nursing home that won’t let Grandpa smoke a cigarette all have meth mouth.

When the possibility of spilling a beer on a txt-in-progress becomes the number one reason for teens not to drive drunk.

When the Kardashians are not space aliens from a fictional TV series, even if they all look and act suspiciously like space aliens from a fictional TV series.

When safe-sex means using an alias when uploading the video.

When your daughter’s only reason for wanting to visit Disney World is that it’s been rated the number one Selfie spot on earth.

When, after your child’s seven-hour day of sitting at a school desk, followed by four hours of homework, they hand you a note from the teacher who has written out of concern your child isn’t getting enough exercise.

When you have to balance the reputed risk of getting skin cancer from the sun against the known carcinogenics in the sunblock, all the while remembering your doctor said you are Vitamin D deficient from not getting outside enough.

When your child’s teacher asks you to send snacks for the class, then sends you a nasty note about how fattening your cookies are...and it was all she could manage to get five of them down.

When, while at the mall, a mugger grabs your purse but you can’t identify him for all the flashes from the cellphones.

When you receive a triplicate-copied letter from the school reminding parents of the importance of teaching children to conserve paper.

When your child is assigned to write a paper on the unjust history of censorship and gets a “F” for including an “overly opinionated” assessment of Maoist China.

When the school proudly displays a “No Gun Zone” sign on every door and then the staff wonders why the shooter chose to visit their facility.

When the school announces there will be no more gender-segregating allowed in student restrooms at the same time they open yet another Teachers Only lounge.

When celebrations of any religious holiday are banned from the school for promoting spiritual beliefs even as ham sandwiches are dropped for being offensive to Muslims.

When your kindergartner is suspended for sexual harassment for hugging her teacher on the same day your 13-year old informs you the art teacher picked him to be her baby daddy.

When the college kids complain the language of Shakespeare is too antiquated and spell it, “antekuwaited”

When trying to get through to 9-1-1, your heart attacks finishes before the menu opens to an operator.

When the spooky old hippie that hit you up for free weed every time you walked to high school is now promising you free everything if you give him your vote for President.

When the biggest debt you face is paying off on that college education they guaranteed would make you financially comfortable.

When women refuse to patronize Hardee’s on the pretext the ads “objectify women”, and instead opt to pick up a Big Mac on their way to the all-male strip show.

When your teenage son who just joined the army can’t legally go out and purchase a beer to celebrate the fact.

When that day you never expected to see arrives: when you are fully, knowingly and happily capable of caring even less now about Star Wars than you did as a teen.

When your son is accused by the school of being a male chauvinist because he opened a door for a girl, but the resource officer that punched a cheerleader for flipping her finger is hailed as a responsible adult.

When shaving your legs is called caving in to patriarchal expectations, but dating a guy with hair on his chest is called gross.

Whenever you hear someone rant about the sense of white privilege prevalent among the “paddy-ass” Irish.

When your neighborhood has to clean up all the trash and human waste left behind from the Save The Environment rally.

When you realize if you don’t buck up and shoulder the moral obligation of introducing your children to the music of AC/DC, nobody else will!

This Hub ©November 12, 2015 by Beth Perry