From the Arrogant, Abusive Types to Charming: Ten Types of Midwives

Midwives are the unsung heroes of childbirth, wise, skilled, and serene. Or at least… that’s what we are accustomed to knowing. In real life, midwives come in all shapes, sizes, and emotional rollercoasters. Let us introduce you to the types of midwives you might hopefully meet in delivery rooms, none of whom should be taken seriously, but all of whom may feel suspiciously familiar.

1. The Bully

She enters the room like a military general who’s had her coffee replaced with jet fuel. Her first words are usually: “What do you mean you’re in pain? I’ve seen goats give birth with more grace!” This midwife believes that tough love is still too soft. She insults with such precision, even the baby feels ashamed for arriving late. She shouts at contractions like they owe her money. And yet, somehow; she gets results. Women have given birth early just to get her to shut up.

2. The Lazy Type

This one shows up five hours late with a half-eaten sandwich and a deep misunderstanding of urgency. “Oh, you’re crowning? Cool. Let me finish this episode really quick.” She’s more emotionally connected to her phone’s battery life than the mother’s vital signs. She believes in “natural births,” mostly because doing anything would require effort. She once used a salad bowl because “the delivery tray was too far.” Her motto? “Babies deliver themselves eventually.”

3. The insensitive

She is insensitive to the plight of expected mothers in the labor words. Whether the labor pain is high or low is not her concern. The cries or pleadings from family members does not move her an inch. She can even break for lunch, leaving the woman in question wreathing in pain without a care in the world. If you report to the station when it is past working time, she wont bother waking up to attend the patient.

4. The Compassionate Midwife

Unlike the insensitive and abusive one, this one radiates warmth, like a human hot water bottle who whispers affirmations. She tears up during contractions, not because it’s painful, but because it’s beautiful. She holds hands, hums lullabies, and offers herbal tea brewed in moonlight. This midwife would personally fight the Grim Reaper if he came near a mother. She's so emotionally invested, she keeps a scrapbook of every baby she’s helped deliver and still sends them birthday cards. However, she once fainted because someone stubbed a toe.

5. The Careless Midwife

She means well. Probably. But this midwife loses the umbilical clamp, cuts the power cord by mistake, and sterilizes instruments in her gym bag. She once mistook a watermelon for a baby bump and offered it a pacifier. Charts? Lost, gloves? They are optional for her. She delivers babies like someone trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions. On the plus side, she’s so unaware of danger that she’s completely fearless. Unfortunately, so is a toddler with scissors.

6. The Professional Midwife

Unlike the careless dude, she walks in wearing sterile confidence and a clipboard made of stainless steel. Everything about her is timed, organized, and clean enough to eat off. She knows the weight of the baby before it’s even born. She delivers like it’s a royal ceremony; gloves on, stopwatch ready, jazz playing softly in the background. She uses medical terms no one understands, but somehow, it’s comforting. She’s calm in crisis and could stitch a wound while giving a TED Talk. If you’re lucky and really lucky, this is the midwife you get. She even doesn’t judge you for screaming like a banshee.

7. The Faith Healer Midwife

She believes the placenta holds spiritual secrets and only speaks in whispers to preserve the “sacred birthing energy.” She smudges the room with sage, prays before every operation, and once asked the baby for consent before proceeding. Her medical kit contains a rosary, incense, and a picture of a dolphin giving birth. She insists that pain is a manifestation of unbalanced chakras and that lavender oil can reverse a breech position. Weirdly, she has a 100% success rate, possibly because even the baby is too confused to delay the process.

8. The Traumatized Veteran Midwife

She’s seen things. She doesn’t talk about them. Her thousand-yard stare says more than her resume. At every birth, she mutters, “Not again…” and gazes into the distance. She can tie a knot with one hand and deliver triplets while eating lunch. But ask her how she is, and she’ll whisper, “One time a father fainted onto the mother…” She may be emotionally shut down, but she’s also the reason nobody panics. Except her. Internally. All the time.

9. The Competitive Midwife

Every delivery is a personal challenge. She times it, rates it, and may or may not have a leaderboard. "That was only six hours? Pfft. My record is four. Step it up." She brags about water births, twin births, and that one time someone gave birth in a moving car while she directed traffic. She is fueled by adrenaline, ambition, and possibly espresso.

10. The Sleep-Deprived Zombie Midwife

She hasn't slept since 2025. She exists on caffeine and distant memories. Her eyes are open, but nobody’s home. Still, she functions entirely on autopilot and has an eerie ability to deliver flawlessly while snoring. Nobody knows how she does it, including her. But somehow, against all odds, the baby arrives, the parents survive, and she vanishes into the night like a birth-exhausted legendary