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9/11 Through The Eyes of My Son

Updated on October 4, 2011

A Writer Recalls Her Feelings

It has taken me a couple days to come here to this site and write what my heart feels. It is Tuesday morning and I sit here, poised, fingers in position, my heart finally ready to reflect on the emotions/feelings I experienced after watching a YouTube video of the destruction of the WTC twins and all the lives lost that day. A day before, maybe even a week before and you wouldn't find me prepared, nor capable of getting through this tangle of feelings.

Truly, my feelings are more personal than anything. I don't remember every detail about that day when I woke up and got on line to view Yahoo! news. I was aghast, shocked, even bewildered. Terrorists had destroyed an iconic landmark in my home state! There are many things that have happened in our world history that have made me cry, but on this day I could not. On the day the planes impacted the WTC twins, I could only feel shock.

I didn't cry until this Mother's Day, ten years later.

'Come on,' you might say?

But it's the truth. I did not cry until Sunday past.

The day began with my son coming into my room and asking for a hug. Such a sweet son I have and I gladly obliged him. After he went back into his room, I began sending out my e-cards for Mother's Day (I mail out cards, but often the recipients won't get them until after this special day/celebration, so I sent an e-card to let them know they weren't forgotten.) My son got hungry while I was ensconced in this and so I got up and fed him pancakes, gave him clothes to put on for the day.

All the while, while I was in motion to get him fed and dressed, he kept asking how tall the WTC twins were. I tried to explain, telling him they were taller than the water tower here in this town. I asked him if he remembered the water tower as we viewed it from the park at the church across from where we used to live. He did not. I told him we would look it up online. That made him happy and excited! He pestered me until we finally sat down and began researching what he wanted to know.

We learned that the WTC twins stood almost 200 times my 5', 8" height. Can you say WOW! I surely did. All my life, being from New York, I'd never stepped foot in the WTC twins, nor even been in that vicinity. I am sad now I never did. Such an amazing landmark and such history. They stood for well over 30 years and took much to construct and bring to realization.

So we'd watched the videos that told us about the WTC twins, saw pics of captured moments of that day. None affected me until I saw a video that captured the true emotion of people that day. They had tear-filled faces, exhibited shock, were just utterly expressing horror, hurt, and disbelief. Images of people being carried out due to injury came with images of those on stretches, dead. My son stood by my side and I let him watch for a moment, but then I caught the silouhette of a body falling after a lady expressed how she saw people jumping out of windows to their death. At first I wanted to believe whoever shot the video used some kind of effect to insert this type of falling figure, but then I saw a few more images and they didn't look like the first falling body image. It was real, and it was a shocking truth I did not see back in 2001 when this all first happened. If I had seen these images, I would have cried that day. Cried hard.

I stopped the YouTube video and sent my son out of the room. I became upset ~ a part of me went harsh, demanding my son leave my room. Why had he started us on this path of looking into the WTC twins? It was supposed to be a happy day, a day for me to relax, enjoy being with my son, eating good food/snacks. Just a lazy, I love you Mom day! Instead I was hurting for the people who showed their true emotion on that day, hurting for knowing people had jumped out the windows to what (?), not save their lives, but to keep from burning to death? People from all walks of life, backgrounds, beliefs lost their lives that day. And it was all senseless. All so fu*^$#g senseless!

I watched that video to the end, so saddened by the story captured. I saw the falling bodies, saw the second plane crash into the building's side, saw young boys handed flags folded tightly after learning their daddies were not coming home. I saw tears in the eyes of men who most likely never before shed a tear. It was truly overwhelming. My son kept lingering by the door, and I became more perturbed by his not leaving my room's area. 'Go away, child, cause I am piping mad, but not at you', was what my mind said. His staying by the door reminded me of a poem I wrote, a line in it speaks, 'I linger, I linger, I linger.'

The YouTube video ended and I put my laptop aside, got up, and told my son to go play, or watch a movie; I was getting in the shower.

As the water streamed over my frame, I turned to look out the shower's window. I felt the tears well up and fall from my eyes. They fell hot and copiously for more than several minutes.
They fell for all those lost on 9/11, for the familes affected, for the communities forever changed by this tragic event. They fell for my home state, New York, my beloved New York!

After the tears, and after the hot shower, I reflected on why we, my son and I, had gone down this road of looking into the WTC twins. As I have always known, the freedoms we have are ones we shouldn't take for granted. I have my son, who six years ago, I wasn't even thinking about. Wasn't privy to the fact that he would become mine, and be loved by me so deeply. I have advocated for him his whole life, fought for his well treatment, for his right to be taken care of the way I expected. I have gone through a range of emotions with him and I will for the rest of my life, if God allows this.

I thought about my family and how we keep in touch, if somewhat spotty. I wanted to write this piece that day and send it out to them, let them know that I loved them so much and it doesn't take a minute to add anyone of us to their Yahoo! profile so as to be updated with what's going on in each other's lives, and to spread that old familial love shared by family members.

I didn't because my emotions were running high and I needed to find a base to float down to and stabilize what I felt from watching that video. Last night I felt stressed, and saddened. I couldn't pin point why. Had I had a long day? Had my son's first real fall down on the ground skin the hand episode gotten to me? Yes, but really I needed to sit down and write these words because only by getting how I felt out on virtual paper would I feel any relief.

What I realize is that we have to keep talking about these events happening in our country's history. We have to find solutions to keep this type trajedy from happening again.

It happened in New York City; it affected the world.

On Mother's Day it compelled me to pull my son close and hug him tight, to kiss his curly hair and thank the Creator for blessing me. To thank Him for enabling me to see 9/11 through my son's eyes.

The victims of 9/11 will never be able to hold their loved ones close to their hearts again.


Copyright © 2010 Satice James, All Rights Reserved


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