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How to Heal After You've Been Cheated On

Updated on April 20, 2012

How to heal after you have been cheated on

How to heal after you have been cheated on? There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief.

Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc.

During this time, you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.

But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs.

Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.

Healing after an affair

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Acceptance

Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce in the western world. As I have said as long as you did your best, then it is not your fault anymore, even if a relationship is perfect, other people still cheat, reasons maybe varied. Why is it easier to accept? because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally eventually. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.

Full forgiveness without always reminding them of what they did

You ask yourself, Can I forgive him/her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover anymore, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you in the healing process. The key here is to love yourself, don’t be hard on yourself. It can happen to anybody. Depending on your partner, he/she can help you heal.

Moving on

Once you accept the apology of your partner, moving on is a must, if you cant forget and forgive then you must also move on and be ready to face the consequences. It will take time, maybe even faster but everybody needs to move on. It is a process in a thing called life. Things are not always what we expect it to be, so happy are those who haven’t experience it, otherwise you should live by it. We can emerge a better person after all what we have been through.

Continuously working on it

For some, they do counseling, willingness to change for both you and the partner. Some men have difficulty with counseling, it comes with the concept that they are seeking help. There is a tendency for men to think that they can do it on their own, all emotions are bottled up inside of them, and they are not ready to share whatever is in their hearts and mind, and to talk it with somebody else. It is a sign of weakness for them, this is what the expectation of the society, and that’s the way they were raised. But they should come out of that, you need to help each other.

Once you decided to move on anyway, there is always the objective of moving forward and consistency on your part and your partner.

Since your partner committed an act of infidelity he she must support you in the healing process. The objective is moving away from the experience and always emerging as a better person. Take this as a lesson and one stage in life.

Surround yourself with happy people and activities

Better be surrounded with people who support and care for you while you are on denial stage, then finally acceptance the realization that you need to move forward and you cant be bitter forever. Choose people who have positive attitudes during these times. Watch movies or television which makes you laugh. Engage in happy activities.

Relax, rest, eat nutritious and balanced food

This is obvious in order for you to remain healthy, even if you are feeling depressed or sad, just take time to take care of yourself. Have some good sleep, and eat nutritious foods. Avoid cigarette smoking, alcohol intake because it will add up to depression.

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    • prettydarkhorse profile image
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      prettydarkhorse 2 years ago from US

      I am happy for you. HUGS, and I am glad you still have a job, and find your life again. I know you are a good woman and a mom. Cheers and enjoy a beautiful life ahead.

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      SimplyConfused 2 years ago from Illinois

      PrettyDarkHorse,

      I want to update you on my life. 3 years ago, I stumbled onto this article and told you about my "fiancé" cheating on me. While I was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, I tried to work things out with him, but 8 month later, he cheated AGAIN! He cheated with a woman from his job who knew about my children and me.

      Scared, heartbroken, devasted, I wanted to die. I couldn't believe my 13 year relationship to the man I loved, admired, and lived to impress and catered to, ended that way. I got the courage to leave him. It was hard. To leave my luxury lifestyle in a quiet suburb to go live with family in the hectic city of Chicago, was very HARD for me, and my children.

      My ex tried to get back with me, I allowed him to manipulate me once again. This time, we didn't get back together, I just allowed him to come sleep with me, act like a family with my kids, and then he would leave... this went on for a while. Until this year, January, I had enough. I cut all ties with him. Him and I agreed on days out the week for him to get the children and it works perfectly fine. I am not over him 100% but I don't miss him, don't need him.

      Alot if us stay, for fear that we can't provide a good life for our children. I had absolutely no financial or emotional support from anyone. But thankfully, I been at my job all these years and I am capable of providing for my 3 children. It's hard at times, but I am at peace. If I can do it, ANYONE can!

      Update on my ex. He's 30 years old, lives in his mother's house, and has since been dating around. I guess it didn't last with the girl from work. I pray he finds what he is looking for, as we have 3 children together. He parties every weekend and feels he is enjoying his life with not much responsibilities. At first I was MAD AND HURT... why can he enjoy life while I bust my a** working and making ends meet for OUR children. But prayer really helps. And i realized, I was not the problem, he was. He's lost, he's looking for something in every female and until he gets the help he needs, he will never be happy.

      As far as my love life... I am happily single and am an amazing mother who devotes my time to my job and children. I take better care of me now and I am proud of the comfortable life I am providing for my children.

      Thank you for this thread and article. Some of us have NO ONE and being able to get advice and read others stories is very inspiring and helpful! Looking forward to reading more and more of your articles!

      SimplyConfusedNoMore!

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
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      prettydarkhorse 2 years ago from US

      Lying and cheating go together. I think that you will be hurt more if you keep on believing him.

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      Zou 2 years ago

      Recently, my boyfriend started drinking heavily and we always argue about his drinking as he no longer pays attention to our relationship. 2 weeks ago I found out that he is cheating on me and he started the affair in January 2015....still wondering why he is doing this to us after 3 years of nothing but love and commitment. He has changed completely, recently he lies so much and he denies that he is cheating. I communicate with the person he is cheating with and she confirms that they met in January 2015 and had slept twice but still my boyfriend says the girl is lying, he says I should trust and listen to him not to other people....I wanna break-up with him but it breaks my heart when he start telling me that I am the only one he wanna be with...I still love him so much#heartbroken and confused.

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      Anonymous 4 years ago

      I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu on bringing my husband back to me,I was married for 9 years to my husband and all of a sudden, he started seeing another lady at work.he started hailing at me and he was abusive.. and he stop careing for me, but I still loved him with all my heart .the situation made me unsettle and not to focus at work .so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster? i did not listen to her . i kept on hoping that my husband will come back home . after a month it got out of hand and my husband came back home to break the news to me that he want a divorce that he is getting married to the other lady .Hmmm it was so shocking to me ,i felt sad and depressed ,so i contacted my friend again and decieded to try to use spiritual means reluctantly..although I didn't believe in all those things? I never thought in a million years that i will get my husband back to me a again. but I was proved wrong.after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it that we are back together. Prophet salifu remained consistent and kind throughout and made the process unbelievable I am deeply satisfied and thankful .if in doubt you should email him at prophetsalifu@yahoo.com or prophetsalifu@gmail.com

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      Gennifer Anderson 4 years ago

      Hi My name is Gennifer Anderson just want to share my experience with you on how i got my love back and saved my marriage, so that you can also get back your lover into your life okay.I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child...I have introduced him to a lot of couples people and also the young once who are involve in relationship with their problems across the world. so him me and help so many of my friends help me to thank him is a great man. i want you to contact this man so that HE CAN GIVE YOU MORE advice on how to get back your boyfriend and that you can still be together Email:templeoflove1@yahoo.com

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      savannahh 4 years ago

      Thank you :)

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
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      prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US

      Savannah, I think both of you are still young. I know you love him, give him a chance to correct what he did. After some time you will know if he is serious with it. I can't give a time frame though. Concentrate on your studies, if you are still studying or working. Just gow ith the flow and stop snooping around and checking on what he is doing. he will change if he really loves you and if not then it is his loss. Make yourself beautiful for your own sake. Best.

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
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      prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US

      Simply Confused,

      I am happy for you. Stay beautiful and don't look back. Just keep on looking forward. Best. Give him a chance to be with his children. Hope you get the financial support you needed from him.

    • profile image

      SimplyConfused 4 years ago from Illinois

      PrettyDarkHorse,

      As I see 14months ago, I reached out to this forum because I was cheated on by my then fiance. An update, he cheated again and actually left me and our three children for thise other woman who knew he had a family. This was my breaking poing. I didnt have much saved up, but i packed my belongings and I left. He didnt bother to call me or my oldest son who is 10 to see if his kids were ok for a whole 2months. I have been single now for 8 months and I am happy with my decision to leave! In December he wanted to work things out with me, but I could not see myself going back with him. I have him 13 years of my life and he only cheated and cheated. He doestn help me financially with mour children and Isees them a few times aevery frew months. He claims its all my fault because i should have stayed adn watited for him to come back home because according to him, when you love someone you wait and you stand by their side de no matter what. Now I am seeking childsupport so that I can live comfortabley with my children.

      When I first left, I was depressed, I missed a week of work, my youngest who was only a few months old, was having seizures and was always in the hospital. My oldest started acting out and I had to put him in counceling and my daughter thinks daddy and mommy will get back together. I was so depressed i felt as if my life was OVER, but my children reminded me I had to bbe strong FOR THEM... Im still fighting issues with my new living status, but I am happy now. No more crying mysellf to sleep or wondering where he is at or whos hes cheating with next. I want to say thank you for having this forum for people to vent and get advice! You ROCK!

    • profile image

      savannahh 4 years ago

      About a month ago I found out through a facebook message that my bf of about 4 years had cheated on me for 10 months. We were high school sweethearts. The girl that told me was friends with the girl he cheated on me with. I never saw it coming, no our relationship wasn't perfect and we had fights but when he wasn't in virginia for work (he is a firefighter and works 12 hour shifts) during the week, he tried to spend every second possible with me. He was always like that and it was sort of an issue we had a fight about once-that he was sort of up my ass. I had suspicion after a text i saw where he proceeded to delete the entire conversation and lie right to my face (its a longer story than that but i'll spare the details). He said he would never even have time to cheat on me because he was too tired when he wasn't working. When i finally asked him if he cheated or not after this girl messaged me he gave in and said yes and that it was only 3 times-he just knew the girl for 10 months. I am heartbroken, sad, pissed, depressed, and I cannot stop thinking about it, about them together. I loved him and still do because he is my first real boyfriend and my, well, first. Sorry if that's TMI but it's sort of important. I feel like I'm never going to get over him. We have of course talked since and had some arguments but I couldn't help not being mad when talking to him.

      It bothers me that I don't know what he's doing everyday or who he's hanging out with, I can't help but check his facebook to see what he's doing. I know I am young and we weren't married but it still hurts, I still love him and will for awhile I assume. We had most of our future planned out and I just feel like my world has fallen out from beneath me. When it first happened he was obviously so sorry and he would never do it again and he would do anything to be with me even go to counseling (he is 21 years old) and would change because he sees what this has done. Now after we have done some arguing since and he sent me roses which I threw away, he said he has changed which I don't believe, and seems like he is happy according to what I see on the social media-I guess he still loves me it might just be the fact that its a social website and guys dont put their feelings out there too often. It just bothers me so much but I can't help but look at it almost everyday. Just the other night he was out until 3am and had an "awesome time" and that scares the hell out of me because I wasn't with him. I just hope it gets better. This happened to me more recently than the other comments i've read so if you have any tips for right now they would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise I thank you for this page because I'm sure I will be coming back to it a lot.

    • profile image

      modayear 4 years ago

      Did he come clean right away? Or did he continue to lie time after time until the truth finally came out?

      Did he show true remorse for his betrayal of your trust? And did he show repentance? Or did he try to just apologize and then assume that you two would move on in your relationship as though it didn't ever happen?

      Did he ever do all the right things to try to re-gain your trust? Did he beg for forgiveness? Did he promise he would never contact this woman again? Or that he would never cheat again?

      Is he allowing you full access to his phone, facebook, etc. any time you want? There has to be complete transparancy and you have to have full control and all the time and room you need to heal before you can ever even begin to heal. You wouldn't have needed this full control before, but you do now.

      You don't just go back together and start trusting him again right away - that's not how it works, no matter how many people want to tell you that it is. He broke your trust, now he has to earn it back.

      Think of it this way - he broke the bank. So, you decide to give it another go, let's say there was $100 in that bank (your trust). He's only going to be able to gain that back pennies at a time. It's going to take a very long time. Both of you are going to have to understand that. Especially him.

    • profile image

      modayear 4 years ago

      You don't just give away forgiveness or trust until that cheater has earned it!

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US

      You have to move on if he does not care about what you feel, then he does not love you. You are still young, beautiful and you deserve a better life than that. Do you have any support system like family and friends there? Take care and be strong for your son.

    • profile image

      **sigh** 4 years ago

      I'm only 19 years of age and my bf (almost 25) and I of 2 years have a gorgeous little baby boy. however, I recently found out by going thru his phone what he's been going home by 1 of his ex-coworkers after he's done wit work, wen, he should b coming home 2 our son and I. what really hurts is that he got me pregnant @ 18 on purpose because I was going 2 leave after a year, begged me 2 keep the baby, he wants us 2 b a family and he loves me and he's never felt so sure about anything in his life before. I put my life on hold, haven't gone out wit friends in a year or anywhere really, had 2 put doing my degree on hold all 2 give him a baby because I also wanted us 2 have a family.......but it hurts, it hurts alot. I find myself just holding onto my son and bursting down in tears. my heart honestly aches, I feel lost, depressed, hurt, angry, I honestly feel like I can't go on anymore. He says that he doesn't care and that he doesn't owe me an explanation. The only thing that still has me going and trying 2 stay strong is my son......**in tears............sigh** I'm fedup of constantly being hurt!

    • profile image

      Wilfred 4 years ago

      I and my girlfriend brokeup just because i could not tolerate seeing her hanging out with guys that she claims to have nothing with but call them just mere friends.

      I could not take it anymore because i love her so much and though am jealous seeing other guys around her, i need her to understand that and respect that as well. But reverse was the case. she told me she was tired and could not continue, she complains that i dont trust her so how sure our relationship would lead to marriage.

      I was so devastated and could not lose my love just for my selfish reasons. so i found this spell lady online who then did a love spell to bring her back and made our relationship more closer than ever and even more happier. The spell lady did help my life, my job because i could not focus on anything, and even brought my lover back in to my life.

      The spell lady email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com, her spell is more powerful than i can ever imagine.

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Charles, sorry for responding late.

      I am glad you are realizing that it is a useless time devoting yours to her, including any thoughts etc. Kharma is in the corner, as they say.

      I am happy also that you are learning the language there, BTW what is your username here at HP, so that I can like your hubs.

      Continue improving yourself for your own good and since you have good kharma, you can find the true love of your life :-)

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      I have a hub pages account. I am in Mindanao, have picked up some of language. Did not lose hope for true love, as u know a lot of the girls here feel obligated to take care of their family first, and the foreign guys know this so people like my ex sell there body basically. The funny part? She is with this guy now and the family doesnt even know its same guy she cheated on me with. It will eventually eat her alive when gets older, and she will live a long unhappy life.

      Not me, I work out daily, my biz is booming and feel better about ME everyday. All in all it was a blessing she did that. Anytime a thought comes in my head about her, I write articles or go for a walk, exercise etc. My mom taught me to always keep my values no matter how hard it is to do. So I know someone out there has those same values of faithful, loyal,trusting and integrity. Best way to find it is stop looking and let it come to you.

      Cheers:)

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Right, take your time and enjoy the Philippines. Don't lose hope with true love :-)

      BTW, you can write here at HubPages if you want.

      Are you in the Southern part? Do you know the local language now?

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Hi prettydarkhorse, yeah I think anyone that cheats is a scumbag. No morals, and hate when people say they made "mistake" no locking your keys in the house is a mistake. Thats why am taking my time now. I guess the good news is people like this typically live miserable lives. hahahaha

      Any way Phil is great, love it. I am here for good, and I go to USA a few months a year. Dont know if current relationship will work, but have learned NOT to pour myself in till I see the signs that wont go through deceit again. Also, better to be friends first and discover who you are with.:)

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Charles, how are you? Kumusta?

      "Dont find yourself, create yourself" I like that. All you said are spot on, if only all people are like you, but then there are some who choose the other way. It is being selfish.

      Kharma they say is always around like what you say.

      BTW, how are you enjoying your stay in the beautiful Philippines? Are you staying there for good? Take care.

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Thanks for the encouraging words. One thing I realized is that I will not let past circumstances control me. My ex wife in USA did same thing. And pouring all your heart into someone needs to be done with caution. My favorite quote now is "Dont find yourself, create yourself" Loving yourself first is important, and realizing that having moral values is not bad even if some others think nothing of it. For all the people that have the urge to cheat, SPARE the other persons heart and break it off first. Don"t leave their mind imagining the other person in a bed with the one that they thought loved them.

      I believe what goes around comes around, so u need to be careful

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Charles, taking your time is good, in the meantime, don't lose hope and continue believing in true love. I am glad you found it!! ;)

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Thanks prettydarkhorse, it was shaking good here but not affected. No wedding plan yet, taking my sweet time. Will NOT go through same again

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Very true prettydarkhorse, u know when I started working out again, all the sudden my biz is getting better. Every time those thoughts of ex come up, I go for walk or watch motivational videos etc. I refuse to let that heartless b*&ch run my life for future hahahaha. I guess the reason it really cut me is my ex wife in USA did same thing, but that involved my son, biz etc. I saw the other day a quote that makes sense "when your going through hell, keep going"

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Charles, hope you were not affected by the earthquake there.

      Thanks for visiting this hub.

      You said about revenge, the best revenge is moving on and having a good life, not because you like to become spiteful but for your own sake.

      Take care and when is the wedding? :) :)

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Broken Heart, since you accepted him again and perhaps trying to move on with him and get past the cheating, then try to focus your energy on more worthwhile things about yourself. Don't go outside your house when she is there. she is winning if you are affected. Try to concentrate more on yourself, you can't do anything if he will cheat again.

      Like Charles above, forgetting takes time and perhaps time will make you laugh at it. it is not your fault that he cheated, don't be difficult on yourself.

      :) Take care, you have a beautiful self.

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Hey broken heart, I would say if the guy is still with you you may want to think hard about sending the guy out of ur house or even moving. Are u married? Kids? If so that could be tough. U deserve better. I had cheating girlfriend so I know it hurts bad, but take some comfort in knowing u did nothing wrong, and what goes around comes around

    • profile image

      broken heart 5 years ago

      I was cheated on several months ago I have really tired to get over it but it is very hard when the girl he cheated on me with is always wal king by my house every day wearing very revealing clothesand that starts the fights all over again how do I move on when that is a constant reminder of what he did to me

      Signed

      Broken heart

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Thanks for reply, yeah one thing am doing now is quit feeling sorry for myself and joined a gym, also on a diet to gain 30 pounds of muscle mass, so I know this will make me sharp. This will also help me build my business, and so that is bonus. Philippines is great, also I found a great article at askmen.com on how to get over a girlfriend, and u know that people here gossip (haha) so when I am successful and ex finds out (and she will) and I have my beautiful girlfriend next to me that is the best revenge of all. She will wonder the rest of her life what she missed. truth is, no one builds a good marriage based on 2 cheaters and liars so I need to not waste my time thinking about them. Thanks again great hub

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Charlie, There is no fast ways in forgetting specially if you were sincere and you did your best. You can choose to make it lighter on your side by remembering not to remember by telling yourself, "why would I spend time reminiscing about things and love in which the person I gave my love to was unfaithful to me". You choose to do it and look at the brighter side of your current relationship. It is done and over with, tell that to yourself. And you must be thankful she did it already instead of more years wasted :)

      How's Philippines? I miss it. Take care.

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      rabbit85 5 years ago

      i married more than 2years and we are together almost 6 years.my married was not so good in the last 2 years and i having an affair with other man almost 1 year by texts and chat...my husband came back to his country to find jobs and settle before i come there.the guys who i having affair with,he came to me for 2 months and we had great time together.my husband found out and we having the most hard time in our life now to make decision that either stay or leave.i told him about cheating but not about the person who i cheat with.i hurt my husband very bad and his family.i don't know if there is any chance for us to get back together.i have scare feeling to live without him because we have been so long together.but i don't know if i can face to him and his family anymore.i feel so embarrass.should i tell him about the person who i have cheat with?because i told him that just was random guy for couple days and mean nothing to me which hurt him bad enough.I'd afraid that if i tell him more then there is nothing to save my married anymore.and i don't know if the other is good enough for me to leave my married.i'm so stuck and don't know what to do.

      please advise me

      thanks

    • profile image

      Charles 5 years ago

      Hi, I am American living in phillipines. Long story short, I had gf here that went with sister and met another foreigner and cheated on me. The crazy part is I was first man to ever be with her. It cut me to the bone. We have separated one and a half years now, and while I go long periods of forgetting about it, for some reason all the sudden the pain came back. I have a wonderful woman now, and she deserves to see me at my best. How do I bury this deceit once and for all? Thanks in advance for reply

    • prettydarkhorse profile image
      Author

      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      it is difficult, now you need to be on your own and test if you are ready to forgive him. Give time for yourself to be alone, then you decide. If you still can accept what he did after giving yourself time, then try to work things out and talk to him. I hope you can forgive what happened, forgetting is not an option, but you can minimize thinking about it.

      Good luck!

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      Safa 5 years ago

      HI..

      Looking for some advice..

      I have been cheated too recently. But my story has a lil twist. My partner n me were happily commited for last 4 years. And a week back i get to know that he is already married since long and he has a kid of 3 months too now.

      i feel miserable. i feel broke. i fee like ending my life. i sleep wid tears in my eyes. Wake up wid tears too.

      My partner still says that i m his first priority and always have been. he says i mean to him before his family. Also says the reason y he had kept hidden was that he didnt wanted me to get hurt. i really cant decide shld i continue to keep in contact wid him or not? I knw i shld not. bt my heart is not ready to accept.

      Pls help. How to i convince myself. How do i pass through this phase..

    • profile image

      lifes not a movie 5 years ago

      Thank you for this article. I wont go into all the details, but this article really reminded me of a lot of things i had forgotten. After finding out i had been cheated on I felt ugly and undesireable. I was lost, but then you claimed that i should remember even pretty women and men are cheated on. Though i'll never know why people cheat, your article reminded me that I can't control others actions only my own. Thank you for this. I greatly appreciate it.

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      Happy again soon 5 years ago

      Hi. Thanks for your reply it makes perfect sense. I don't think he is doing it again I am just not sure that I have the full story and bothers me. I feel that I have been given a diluted version eg I asked him did he have her number and he said no. I had suspicions and got it from a colleague and put it into his phone and it was stored under a different name. When I asked to see his bills for proof it was a one off he was reluctant. When he finally gave in, I was able to see he had called her to give her the heads up that I knew and had called and text several times. Once was to even fake a message about her keeping it to herself in work which they had discussed without me knowing so he had to call her and arrange a fake message to show me when I asked him to ask her to please be discrete whilst we work it out. There were several small instances like this which has knocked my confidence in him. Things that he had not been truthful about and had hidden from me, came to light over several months and each time I felt it took me back to the start. I resent this as I feel that I would have made progress quicker if he had been honest from the start. You are right, I will try to move on and stop dragging up the past. Thanks again for your response.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Happyagainsoon, just like your namesake, I hope you will be happy again!!

      First, let go of the past. If you decided to forgive him but you can't forget about it, work on it. These things happened and once you decided to accept him again, then it is unfair if you keep on nagging him about it. Your situation will just get worst if there is still doubt and he as well is not making it easier for you. List down the things which can make you stop suspecting him of doing it again and talk to him about it. If he really loves you, he will cooperate and will stop doing it.

      It is difficult on your part yes, because you trusted him, but as I have said he asked for forgiveness and you accepted it.

      For your own protection if you are sure that he is doing it again, then make up your mind, you deserve to be happy and that is no way to live - feeling sad always.

      Make yourself beautiful, and be the best that you can for yourself, it feels good if you do that. A positive outlook is always good, not feeling you have a gloomy day always!

      Good luck and give us some feedback. Take care!

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      You can do it, give us feedback ok! Take care!

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      Messingitup 5 years ago

      Thank you, you speak so much sense! Let's hope I can do this! X

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      Happy again soon 5 years ago

      Help! 6 months ago I found out that my boyfriend had a one night stand with someone we both work with. I have tried to forgive him and move on but I am really finding it difficult. He thinks that I should be back to 'normal' by now but I find it so hard facing it every day at work and feel like its so difficult to just forget and be happy. When he cheated we had been together for eight years and after I had experienced some difficult relationships in the past, I thought he was amazing. When he cheated I was going through a really tough period in my life as someone very close to me was being treated for cancer and I was completely there for him when this was reversed a couple of years ago. I am finding it really hard to trust him as he was not completely honest when I found out and hid various things from me even when he had looked me in the eye and promised me he was telling the truth. He maintains some of this was to protect me and to keep us together but I am finding this difficult. I also found some flirty messages to other women on his pc and he had even confided in them, saying we were having problems when he swore to me that relationship problems were in my head due to previous relationships, when I tried to fix it. Since I have found out he swears he wants to make it work and that he loves me but I am finding it do hard. I feel like I have unanswered questions but he says he was drunk and can't remember and just wants me to accept he's changed. It is on my mind all of the time and when I try to discuss it, he can sometimes get annoyed as he wants it to go away so we can move on and be happy. How long does this take or will it always feel this painful? Help :(

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Messingitup, don't be mad at the woman. If your bf does not really love and care for you, he should have left you by now. I just think that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Life is too short. It will create more space between you and your bf if you keep on living with what happened in the past. Even if that woman is not working for your bf, if they want to have an affair, they can do it.

      You need to trust him, if not you will be always miserable and that is not the way to live. I seem to suspect that it is you who is struggling to have the faith and trust once more. Try to let go, be very busy. Even the most beautiful woman in the world can be cheated on. It is not you who cheated, plus it happened already. It should be in the past now.

      Stop putting pressure on him, that is right, most men don't want to be pressured. Let him do his own thing, give him time for himself. He is yours, only up to the extent that you stop being paranoid.

      It is painful yes, but this is all in the past now.Be the best woman for him by not nagging and questioning him always. Be beautiful because you want to. HUGS and I hope you let go of the past.

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      Messingitup 5 years ago

      Hi,

      I'm looking for some advise, my bf cheated on me with one of his work collegues about 6months into our relationship. I found out almost a year in. I was heart broken because he seemed so different to many other men and never thought he would do this to me. I went through all the signs you have talked about, denial, upset, anger etc... I chose to stay with him but I have struggled so much to forget about. The main reason is even though we are now in our 6th year of being together, she still works with him. He see's her, goes out to work things and she is there. He says he doesn't really talk to her but he has to be polite. It kills me inside. I trust him now but it's not the trust that's killing me, its the fact that she did this knowing who I was and she has got to move on with her life, had children, even got married and still gets to spend time with my bf as if nothing happened. Me on the other hand have struggled to keep my relationship together as I can't seem to let it go. I wish she would just leave and get out of his life for good. All I want is to be happy, get married and have children and all that I can see happening is he is getting more and more distant from me, tells me to stop putting pressure on him and just be normal. What is normal, I just don't know anymore. Why do I have so much anger for her still, I trust him, I love him but hate that all I seem to be doing is messing it up for me and she gets the fairytale ending! I'm slowly but surely cracking up, any advise welcomed?

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      Messingitup 5 years ago

      Hi,

      I'm looking for some advise, my bf cheated on me with one of his work collegues about 6months into our relationship. I found out almost a year in. I was heart broken because he seemed so different to many other men and never thought he would do this to me. I went through all the signs you have talked about, denial, upset, anger etc... I chose to stay with him but I have struggled so much to forget about. The main reason is even though we are now in our 6th year of being together, she still works with him. He see's her, goes out to work things and she is there. He says he doesn't really talk to her but he has to be polite. It kills me inside. I trust him now but it's not the trust that's killing me, its the fact that she did this knowing who I was and she has got to move on with her life, had children, even got married and still gets to spend time with my bf as if nothing happened. Me on the other hand have struggled to keep my relationship together as I can't seem to let it go. I wish she would just leave and get out of his life for good. All I want is to be happy, get married and have children and all that I can see happening is he is getting more and more distant from me, tells me to stop putting pressure on him and just be normal. What is normal, I just don't know anymore. Why do I have so much anger for her still, I trust him, I love him but hate that all I seem to be doing is messing it up for me and she gets the fairytale ending! I'm slowly but surely cracking up, any advise welcomed?

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi feelslikeshell

      Revenge is not good, just think about it, this things happen and it is not your fault! You need healing and forgiveness and you can only do that if you realize that it even happens to the most powerful people on earth.

      Yes it is so painful, but after sometime when you emerge from it, you will feel good! Take a break from her, if it is still troubles you. Healing begins when you accept that it did happen!

      Please talk to her about it, if you forgave her, move on! Dwell on it and then you realize after sometime you forget it. Write a journal about it. Then go from there.

      HUGS and I hope time can ease the pain! Again it is not your fault! :) :)

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      feelslikehell 5 years ago

      Please, help me. i feel like i'm in hell and i don't know what to do. everyday i feel anger and pain, when i woke up and before i go to sleep i always think of revenge. i lost everything, faith to God, trust. it been almost 4 months but still i can't forget it.She told me the truth and i forgive her, but she didn't know that everyday is like a hell to me. i don't want her to see me suffering, i need to help my self, save my soul, cause everything that runs in my mind is revenge to that guy. I want him dead, but i know its wrong and i don't wanna be a bad guy, but this pain and anger is eating me.

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      Nia 5 years ago

      I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend/ex moved back to be with her ex!! She said its a life change for her but I had no choice but to get Hurt in the long run. My ex new girlfriend has her own house, car, and can help her get a job due to certain situations. She blames me for a lot of stuff like how I want her to depend on me, I always want her around me, just excuses after excuses for her to move on. She cheated on me a lot on a emotional level but now that she is with her ex it's pyscial level. I'm so hurt and I feel be trade, I keep blaming myself of what I should of did right but it's to late and now she fines! I know I will never forgive her and I'm so hurt. I call and call her she don't answer or she is being mean to me with a smile on her face!!! I feel stupid and hurt! I don't know I'm making myself sick!!!!!!

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Dear Sarah 88. Did he ever met the person he was talking to online? Addiction and infidelity are two both difficult problems. Have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him the things you want to happen. Like for example, you are willing to work things out but this will be the last chance for him. Eight years is long and he kept a secret to you for many years, that is tough and bitter thing to take in. But when you decide to move on, be positive and open your mind and heart to the possibility that things could get worst. Have a stand and be firm on what you would like to happen to your relationship.

      Take care.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Deceived.

      This thing happens, infidelity that is. Keep on working on it. You caught his lies, did you talked heart to heart about it already? I guess but you can't forget it. I must tell you this, it happened to many people, including me. Tell him what is going on about your feelings and what are your emotions right now. Does he make an effort right now to help you you in bringing back the trust and love?

      It really hurts but when you look that people commit mistakes you can easily understand it. Better said than done. Did your relationship improved already?

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Sherry Berry 101. A good sign is that he confessed to you, it means he cares about you. Keep on working on it and talk to him, be the best that you can and share your feelings. Acknowledge and do the things that will make your relationship become stronger. I would readily forgive him and put it aside and work for the best!

      Take care!

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      Sarah88 5 years ago

      Hi prettydarkhorse,

      I found out my boyfriend and most recently finance of 8 years had been cheating on me for the past couple of years. I always had my suspicions because the lies/excuses were getting bad but one day it all came out and I found secret email accounts where he had signed up to online sex sites and was meeting up with other people. We were the couple that everyone thought would be together forever, nothing or noone could separate us. We are no longer together (this was a couple of weeks ago) but he is begging me for forgiveness and is truly sorry for what he has done. He has blamed a drug addiciton to ice which I didnt know about either, he hid everything so well, I didnt know the extent of all the lies.

      Even after what he has done, I love him so much but dont know how I will ever overcome the betrayal and lies and the cheating. I dont know whether to blame the drug for his actions or whether thats another lie too. 8 years of solid relationship all down the drain..... do I make it work or would I be the world's biggest fool for taking him back? :(

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      Deceived 5 years ago

      Hi Pretty Darkhorse,

      Your article is great and it is exactly what I am going through right now, well it's been 9 months since I confronted him although in my heart and instincts, I knew he was up to something much earlier than that. His body language and hours spent online every night was a dead give away but what really triggered it off was the calls on his cell phone which he would take in private in the back yard. I looked into his messages in his phone while he was in the shower and to my horror, my suspicions were confirmed. He was also putting me down constantly during that time.

      I am finding it extremely hard to move forward, the triggers are constant and the tears flow constantly. How can you possibly look at that person in their eyes and trust them again? The lies, secrets, deceit and humiliation of sharing intimate physical time together is nauseating. Please help me with some advice. I know he feels remorse as he has told me but it's too little too late. The text messages on his phone were so raw and very humiliating to me, his partner of 24 years.

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      Sheriberry101 5 years ago

      this article has to be the most helpful thing i have read.it is really hard to find ways to help when someone you love with all your heart betrays you. i have been in love with my guy for over 2 years but somehow because of two bad months for us he slipped up with one of his girl-friends just yesterday. I didn't know what to say to him about it when he confessed it, i was so shocked. He is the first person that i think i have ever truly loved and i have been in plenty of relationships in the past but i never loved someone this much. My head wants me to forgive him since it was not like he slept with the girl but my heart, my heart tells me to scream in anguish and fury because i know a good part of the reason he did was because of me. He blames himself entirely, but in truth i know a good part of it all is because of me. I have clinical depression and i guess he hated feeling that he was powerless to help me, though i guess he didn't realize that the only reason i never went as far down as i have in the past is because of my love for him. I want us to work things out but i dont even know where to start.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Broken_Heart, Do you have children together? Cheating is always accompanied with denials and lying. She can't justify cheating, I think she wants to have other guys. Do you still love her?

      You can try once more and that's it, but are you going to be together in one place?

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      Alex 5 years ago

      im sorry to say to you that once a cheat will always be a cheat. i have been thorugh the same thing myself and gave my wife 6 months to work on our marriage for our kids sake and she decide that she wants to end this marrige. my advice is to stay strong and leave her behind, if she really cared for you or loved you she wouldnt have done what she did.

      goodluck.

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      Broken_Heart 5 years ago

      Dear prettydarkhorse

      Thanks for your article. However I am confuse now. Let me share my story with you. We are pakistani couple married for 1 year, it was love marriage and then it was arranged. When I went offshore for business work for 3 months, my wife started ignoring me and I used to crave to hear words from her..but she would say all the time that she has office work. I asked her many time if she wants to share anything with me...I didnt want to be a husband who do not give time to her wife....but she would say she is Ok..its not about between us but she needs some space. When i come back..her behavior was changed, but I again ignored...Eventually after 15 days..she said she has some party in the office, I said its ok if she go. But she didnt come till late night...when I was searching for her on the road where the party was..I saw her in compromising poses with a guy..I caught her there only, then she got scared and said she is drunk..its nothing between us...And she was asking me to forgive...After 1 month...I thought of forgiving her....Then after 2 months..Again my office sent me to offshore for 2 months....When I came back....I saw some messages...that any husband would never wants to see. This time she was very scared....and again begging at me to ask for forgiveness. This time I asked her to give me divorce....She gave me. Its been 1 year now that we are separated and she is been living in Lahore with parents and not here in USA anymore.....Now she is sending me emails everyday...Saying that she was mentally unhealthy and so she cant be blame, but she knows she made big mistakes by loosing trust. She also justifies that she wasnt behind sexual pleasure but friendship...but I dont agree since message I saw was totally erotic and doesnt seem that they are sent with love intentions. Infact this guy was ignoring her, and she was asking him to be in relation. So it means that guy after using her...wanted to live her...This puts my wife in very low level, because atleast in other exta-mariatal affair third person genuinely love the spouse. But here its not even that...So I guess she is behind the s*** pleasure...But She denied all the time...she said..She always wanted good friends...but I dont buy this. I asked her many time about our s** life..she never complaint, and I also dont think if there is any problem as such....Is she nymphomaniac ...if yes..will she change ever...as she is saying now?

      My question is can I trust her third time, when she said... because now she is in her hometown ...and knowing her good culture again....She realized what she did....But she said the same think after I caught her first time....So my heart says this time she is genuinely realized but my mind says....given the same situation in future she would do the same thing again....Please help me...Thanks!

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Alex, you're welcome, love yourself more and of course your children!

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      Alex 5 years ago

      I know it's easy said that done. Having said that I hope time will heal everything and move on with my life. Thanks again for your help.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Alex, let her go. I know it is painful but it will only get worse if you will cling onto her. Separation is always painful.

      Think of ways for your immediate actions, avo - I don't know what is that? Think about your children first. It seems that she is determined already. Just let her go, I know one day I am telling you, you will thank her, but at the moment it is painful. Separation is always painful.

      Never blame yourself, learn from it and I hope it is easier said than done, but try to move on. Don't dwell on it.

      Many hugs and consolation for you.

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      Alex 5 years ago

      Ithank you for the feedback.

      I have spoken to her on numerous times to show her how much I want her my my life and how important she is to me and my kids. She still wants to go ahead with the separation.

      I haven't been able to eat or sleep over the past few days because she has been coming home late and I know deep in my heart that she is with her lover. That though is destroying me and can't keep it out my head.

      The only women I loved in my whole entire life is cheating on me despite how much I have sacrificed for her she still trying to hurt me more.

      Shes turning nasty and this morning she was threatening me to accept her proposal or she will have to go a head with her other options. That thought scarys me and I'm worried the she might issue me with an avo to get me out of the house. I am so lost and tired.

      Why is this happening to me? Why

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Alex, I know that is difficult for you.

      Talk to her once and for all if there is no more chance, I know this is hard, but just let go. Is there an impending divorce? What did you talk about after the counseling, did she told you what is wrong with your relationship? Is there still a chance, if she is unwilling to move on with you, then it is a hopeless endeavor for you to continue to hope.

      I know that it is difficult but then, you need to focus on your children and start talking to her, what is really going on. Don't be scared, be prepared about assets and the care of your children in the future just in case.

      The most difficult thing is acceptance, but it is the reality, bitter pill to swallow. But I must tell you that if separation is indeed what she likes and she doesn't even want to try to work it out, one day you will thank her for it.

      Love is really complicated, but there is a good thing that will happen to you out of this. Love yourself more. I hope that words can soothe your aching heart. Be strong for your children..

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      Alex 5 years ago

      With that said I had started to suspect my wife having an affair with someone else. Gave her the chance to come clean and tell me the truth on so many occasions and her answer was always the same (no). About December 2011 I found few emails going back and forth between her and one her work mate that they love each other so much and they can't wait to see each other. I was so angry and pissed off. With that said I spoke with her and she said that's he never meant for this to happen and she had no control over the this. I'm 39 she is 37 and this guy that she has been seeing for 12 months is 43 who recently just broke up with his girlfriend.

      Since we have 2 kids and didn't want them to go throught the pain of having separated parents we have decided to seek counselling. We have attend counselling session for almost 5 months with no commentment from my wife to work on the relationship. Even the counceller said that I have made so much more effort in this relationship than my wife. Few weeks ago she told me that if I needed to know her answer if this going to work it would be No.

      Since then she started seeking solisitors advice to split our assists and continue to come home after 9pm on her work days.

      Deep inside I know that's she was with him and until now I still forgave her to what she did and still want her back in my life since I love her so much.

      I know she is over me and she doesn't love me. I can't seem to move forward and since this started it has impacted me, work and my life. Don't know what to do and cant seem to get her out of my mind and the thought of her being with someone else is killing and destroying me. Please help. Please.

      Alex.

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      Alex 5 years ago

      Hi,

      I have been with my wife for 13 years and together for 18 years. We have 2 beautiful boys age 8 & 4. Around 14 months ago I found a letter in her hand bag by accedent. It had a lot of love and feeling messages, I for fronted my wife with and she told me that it was one of her girlfriend from work who need advice about to handles this situation. Because she was married and also involved with someone else..

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      albert enriquez 5 years ago

      thanks a lot for your advise! We are now going smoothly. sex life had been great lately and much better than before! We love each other more today!We can now begin to laugh at her adventures. Hope this is the beginning of a better relationship! Sometimes i still feel the pain but it is now lmuch less yhan before.. THANKS!

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Ms Pissed. I hope that I can help you to ease the pain of what you are feeling right now. All I can do is suggest that, put it in your heart to think of your children which are very young. Be strong for them, never go back to him as clearly what he showed you are signs of irresponsibility. Your children and you deserve more than what you are undergoing right now.

      Do you have any other friends, and while gathering the pieces together stay beautiful, just cry it out and as time will pass your pains will be eased. Can you still call your relatives, mom even though they are far away. It helps even just talking.

      Be the best for your children, and be reminded that you will always be there for them. I am sure that will make you stronger. If you are weak, your children will suffer. Think about your options financially, write them down and think of the best alternatives for you. Again I repeat be strong for your children. Crying is healthy (if you feel like crying, just cry it out) and take care of yourself.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Unsure, like your chosen name unsure, you can never be sure if he will cheat again. Do you still love him in spite of it all. If he blames you for his action of cheating, then that is cowardly. He cheated with his best friends gf, wow, what does that tell you. Is this the first time he cheated on you? You can never make a person mature, they change by their own own doing. To blame you for what happened and shift the burden on you are really immature actions. If you decide to go back with him, then you must not count it will not happen again. Just go with the flow, be your best, and take care!

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      Pissed! 5 years ago

      So my husband left me for another girl! I just had a baby boy by him and we also have two other babies under the age of two. I will NEVER forgive him!!! that SOB crushed me like I was dirt. He left us with no money no food no car!!! My family is 1500 miles away! Ive never been so hurt in my life! I smile when I am with my babies but always have to go to the bathroom to cry it out. I don't know what to do, I was a great wife to him. He told me that I wasn't his type after being married to him for 5 years. What kind of BS is that? So hurt im starting to cry blood. I look at every man now with dislike and bitterness. When is the pain going to go away? its like a nightmare..... I am only 25 and I feel like this ruined me. I read these blogs and they make it sound so easy to move forward... SO PISSED AND HURT!

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      Unsure 5 years ago

      I was childhood friends with my ex since I was 8 years old. I am now 19. He is 22. We dated for 4 months, and on the day of our 3rd month, he cheated on me with his best friends girlfriend whom he claims to have no attraction to whatsoever. He justifies this by stating I did not emotionally fulfill him enough, and that he felt I didn't give him enough of my time even though I spent 4 days out of the week with him. I tried my best to support him, but he shut me out and told me I was not old enough to comprehend his issues. He was fairly immature throughout the relationship, which he claims is because he needed time to grow. And he expected me to be that person who taught him how to mature into a man. It has been a year since we broke up and we decided to reconnect. I had some unanswered questions, such as not knowing the original reason for his cheating (he initially told me a year ago that it was because he was drunk, not because of the real reason of emotional neglect.) He claims to have changed because through breaking my heart he has learned the value of people and love. He wants me back. Is it wise to fall back into a relationship where I know I love the person but I have no certainty that he will not cheat?

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Dear Broken Heart,

      The two of you are very young, but I am gathering that you are mature. It is normal to have doubts but don't let that ruin your relationship. One you decided that you accepted him again, then just try to move on.

      If he do it again, your heart is not a punching bag so I am gathering this will be the last chance for him? Be the best that you can, be vigilant on what he is doing, but don't let him notice that you are spying on him. If and when he cheats again, don't fool yourself, run as fast as you can. Your children are your number one priority. If you are sad, that will reflect on them and they will be affected.

      Since you have given him another chance, then work on it and be ready to communicate more with him. The fault is not in your end. Be strong and stay healthy. Don't be scared, since you feel that you can do it. Be strong, determined and don't be scared of him. Sought a help from your parents or friends when he is threatening you. Remember that you are doing the best for you and your children.

      You're a wonderful woman!!

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      BROKEN HEART 5 years ago

      I TRY EVERYDAY TO KEEP TO MY WORD AND NOT BRING UP WHAT HE DID. BUT IT IS SO HARD. I FEEL IN THE BACK OF MY MIND LIKE HE IS STILL HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME AND IS REALLY SORRY BUT I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I THINK HE JUST STAYS CAUSE HE HAS IT MADE AND GETS EVERYTHING HE WANTS. HE HAS BEEN THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER BEEN WITH SINCE I WAS 13 WE ARE THE SAME AGE AS WELL. WE ARE BOTH 19 AND HAVE 2 KIDS TOGETHER. DO YOU THINK HE WILL EVER GROW UP AND PUT ME AND HIS FAMILY FIRST. THIS BREAKS MY HEART I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM BUT HE WONT LET THAT HAPPEN. IM SCARED AND CONFUSED WHAT DO I DO.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Simply Confused, This must be really trying times for you, added to the problem of your fiancé cheating, you are taking care of a new baby. I applaud you for being strong and continue with that. Of course there are times when you are still thinking about what happened. Just remember that these things happen everywhere and you must know by now why he did it? Moving on from the cheating is difficult for the two of you. Time will tell if it will ever heal, but you can do a lot to lessen the pain by reminding yourself that it is not your fault that it happened. As you are saying, you had been a wonderful woman loving your family and making them your priority, continue with that. You can only make sure of your own behavior and not that of others. Don't ever blame yourself, it is what it is, he cheated and it is his fault.

      We can never tell what will the future bring, you can never be sure he will do it again. Just do your best, and if things may not come out the way you want it to be, acceptance is just there in the corner. As I have said, once you decided to work things out, stick with it. Don't bother with questions that you may never know the answer like why he did it without remorse or guilt.

      Will I ever trust again? Will I get over this pain? - the answers to these two last qs depends on you, the longer you think about it and the frequency of dwelling on it will not ease the pain. Try to take him for his word but be cautious too, don't be too overzealous on checking his whereabouts though because he will do it if he wants to do it and there is nothing you can do about it. I know you are protecting yourself now by going out with some friends (being fit) and keeping some money for you and the children just in case. That is nice. And always remember, when you decide about things, the welfare of the children come first.

      Good luck and take care of yourself, you are a wonderful woman.

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      SimplyConfused 5 years ago from Illinois

      Prettydarkhorse,

      Thank you for your advice. Its a hard pill to swallow.. Knowing that if I stick this out, he is most likely going to do it again. I do have to focus more on myself because I lived to please him! I always wanted him and my children to have the best designer clothes, shoes, jewelry... I would focus all my time on my fiancé and children. I recently have signed uo at the gym with a few friends and it feels GREAT focusing on myself for once! It also helps me relieve the stress, and it honestly makes me feel more CONFIDENT in myself. as im off of work for the next 6 Weeks, i'm on maternity leave. I opened a separate bank account at another bank so that I can start to invest in my single mommy money just in case he cheats on me AGAIN. Why do I feel guilty saving MY MONEY? He claims that he loves me, yet he cheated. He feels that I should try to move on because he says he didn't sleep with her nor did he do anything sexual that it was just conversation over the phone and threw text messages. To me, that's cheating! Ive been with him since I was 15years old (hes my same age) we will be 27 this year and of all these years hes never allowed me to have male friends. & I didn't mind. I stopped talking to all my childhood male friends, he has full access to my facebook account, I habe nothing to hide! I cant imagine my life without him, let alone, imagine myself in the arms of another man!

      I don't want to recent my fiancé. I don't know why im compelled to stay and work this out. One is fear of not being able to financially support my children on my own, as I left my whole family and don't speak to my whole family for this man. I just feel so stupid for putting all my trust into him again! Now I have another child who doesn't deserve to live without either parent in the house hold.

      How do I really kniw if im making the right decision? How do I get threw this?

      I sometimes feel he is with me for pure convenience! To everyone we are the "perfect" family! All his friends think highly of me and even go out of their way to tell me I should show their girls how a real wife should be. I feel that im his trophy wifey at home, im,always there for him, I adore this man. Even his parents love me for getting him away.from his old lifestyle! I was raised by a hard working family and I want my children to have better life than I had. I didn't have my father growing uo, he passed away when I was so young. I feel like my fiancé really loves me and our children but something is different.... I am good for making uo excuses for him! I guess im living in my own fantasy land and I just done know if im doing what's best!

      I am a great wifey to him, im always focused on my children, I do want this to work but I don't know how to make it work! He's been trying to work this out, but I don't know how to move on amd accept that he,cheated! I wish this was all a bad dream!

      I sit and ask muself were we went wrong because he was so nice and neber showed any signs if cheating. I would grab his phone, no texts or calls out of the ordinary. he would answer my calls and respond to my texts. Seeing the phone record, he would put her on hold for me... I don't understand how he could cheat and be so calm about it and still look me in the face with no remorse or guilt! Will I ever trust again? Will I get over this pain?

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Simply Confused, you have no fault at all why he cheated and don't blame yourself. You are doing your job juggling your time between home and your family. You are a strong woman and I know you can get past this. It is difficult emotionally bec that hurts when you are doing your best and the other one is cheating, even talking to the other woman during the time you are in labor.

      It is always the case that lying is accompanied by cheating, vice versa. If you decided to take him back then be ready he might do it again, then it is really time to move on. Always think of your children first and love yourself more. Save some money and be strong.

      Sit down with him and ask him what is the best time to talk about it, and make a stand. Tell him this will be the last time you can forgive him and be true to your word.

      Amidst all of these things, take care of yourself, remain beautiful and strong. Don't you ever blame yourself.

      Be on the lookout for possible cheating again but don't let him notice it. It is difficult to give your trust again, but since it seems that you are ready to accept him again, then you must move on.

      Take care ok.

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      SimplyConfused 5 years ago from Illinois

      I was with my fiancé for almost 12 years since I have been 15 yrs old. We have 3 kids together. I just gave birth to our 3rd child in January. Last week I checked his phone record as im the one that pays the bill its under my name.. I seen an unfamiliar number he had been calling and texting. I called and it was another woman! I confronted him about it and he claimed he didn't know what I was talking about until I pleaded with him literally all night crying to him arguing with him.. Until that very day, I always had full access to his phone. I woukd literally use his phone everyday. Never had I suspected him of cheating, as he cheated on me when we were 17 years old and I knew how he reacted then when he cheated on me. This tims he wqs the same sweet loving fiancé. He met this woman at the mall, got her number in late November and instantly began to call and text eaxh other. At first it was every other week, until middle of january it was an all day everyday text and call. He claims it was strickly a phone relationship but I don't know whay to believe. I spoke to the OW and she told me they never met up and that my fiancé told her he was single with a 4 year old son. That killed me! It broke my heart because hes always been such a GREAT father, i. Everybodys eyes we were the perfect family. For him to deny our children makes me HATE him. What's killing me and HURTING me the most is that while I was giving birth to our 3rd child, he stepped out the room to have a 39min conversation with her(the other woman) so while I was having contractions and in pain, when I needed him the most, his son could hqve been born while he was calling and texting her. He wants us to work this out and says hes sorry and regrets what hes done. But I feel as if im just his 2nd option because after I spoke with the other woman shs told him.she wanted to part in this to loss her number and to never contact her again because he lied about having a family. So I feel like he is settling with me. I want to work things out, but I don't know how to get passed thd hurt and pain of him taking advantage of my trust and love. The other woman, answered most of my questions and states that my fiancé woukd tell her to get some friends and he woukd get some friends so that they can go out... She told him no shes not into going to the clubs ans one not.... So I feel had she been as interested in him as I am, he woukd have had sex with her... He would have done more. He says he doesn't know why he did it and that hes sorry. But I just don't want him to think since I am taking him back AGAIN that its ok to do it agqin because I will forgive him. This is my last time trying to fight for my little family! Im a GREAT mother and wifey to him. I work full time, and am still on top of everything with our children. I can understand why he would look for companionship because at the end of my pregnancy I was extremely tired as I was anemic, I would wake uo early to drive my kids ti school and still drive an hour to my full time job. I was tired and we didn't do much as a couple at the very end of my pregnancy... But by all means im not saying its ok, because cheating is unacceptable! Im hurt and confused, how do I deal with the pain of being deceived and lied to. How do I make this work? I have a newborn to care for and its hard to handle all this.

      Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Broken Heart, you can move on with strong determination. I know that it is difficult because your children need to see him if you are separated already, he has that right. But once you decided on it, you need to be strong and persistent. Don't be fooled again, look at your children and imagine what kind of household they will grow up if they can see what he is doing to you. He is not a good model either and if you have a daughter I am sure you don't want somebody treating her like the way her dad is treating you.

      Be strong and take care, take care of yourself physically, eat properly!

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      BROKEN HEART 5 years ago

      THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE. I HAVE TRIED TO MOVE ON BEFORE BUT I ALWAYS END UP BACK IN THE SAME SITUATION. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PERMANENTLY GET AWAY FROM THIS.

      I KNOW THIS RELATIONSHIP IS VERY BAD FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN. BUT HE HAS ALOT OF CONTROL ISSUES HE WAS MY FIRST EVERYTHING AND HE WILL NOT LET ME BE WITH ANYONE ELSE EVEN IF I TRIED. HOW DO I MAKE IT OFFICIAL AND OVER.

      SIGNED

      BROKEN HEART

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Dear Borken Heart, That is hurtful but you need to take a closer look at your relationship and always think of your children first. If what he is doing is hurting you, then the children is affected. Always love yourself more and the children. If he is always cheating, maybe it is time for you to move on. It is really difficult at first but it is for your own good. you need to be very strong. Take care of yourself ok.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Mr Albert Enriquez, that must hurt so badly. Try to forget and stop asking it, since you are back together that is a lesson for both of you. Your wife just want to experiment, maybe she is bored as well but that is not an excuse. I hope that you can forget what happened and move on bec. it already happened and she was honest with it.

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      BROKEN HEART 5 years ago

      I WAS CHEATED ON BY MY BOYFRIEND OF 7 YRS WE HAVE TO BEAUTIFUL KIDS TOGETHER. HE DID NOT TELL ME I HAD SUSPECTED IT BUT HE NEVER CAME OUT AND TOLD ME. THEN THE OTHER DAY TWO GIRLS CAME UP TO ME AND TOLD ME WHAT HE DID WITH THEM. I AM TRYING TO MOVE PAST THIS BUT IT JUST KEEPS COMING UP IN MY HEAD HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME. I HAVE ALWAYS SUPPORTED HIM AND MY CHILDREN AND NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN. I HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE COULD EVER WANT.WE ARE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED BUT I FEAR THAT IF I CANT GET OVER THIS IT WILL RUIN THAT LIFE WITH HIM. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND COULDN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT HIM. HOW DO I MOVE PAST THIS AND IT WAS NOT HIS FIRST TIME BEING UNFAITHFUL TO ME. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO?????

      SIGNED BROKEN HEART

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      albert enriquez/ philippines 5 years ago

      I am cheated by my wife of 20years..She had received a text from somebody that says she is so beautiful and he loves her..He did not stated his name and we call her the stalker..My wife doesn't respond to this text messages..She is 45 but really looks so good with sexy body and very pretty face. I myself gets excited everytime he sends messages to my wife because i am flattered having a wife that is so attractive.. I even told my wife to answer him so that we will know who the guy is..After several weeks, we have learned that it is the computer technician who had repaired our computer ..He keeps on telling my wife that he loves her,he is just 32 and still single but with girlfriend. Then they began chatting on the net on my knowledge at first, but everytime i am reviewing their chats and i begin to comment on some things,my wife easily gets annoyed and irritated and says,she is not comfortable by the way i am reading her messages..And i begin to suspect that she is deleting some parts of their conversations.. To make the long story short, Iam aware of their chats but without knowledge that they are seeing each other.. Until one time that i read a text message from the guy saying that I wont forget and wouldn't forget you because you are so YUMMY!! So i confronted my wife if they had already met and had sex!! She admitted to me and the whole world crumbled on me.. She says that she was just curious at first and just want to know how does it feel to have another guy since i am her only boyfriend and i am the only guy who had kissed her and had sexed with .. Later on i have learned that she had said I LOVE YOU to the guy, because she said that she never said that words to him..I am so depressed..I forgive her but i cannot forget all those things.. I asked my wife to tell me every detail that they had done..because i thought that it would be better if i know everything..But i was wrong....every now and then i would remember how she or he kissed her,make love to her and even what sex position they have done..I was so wrong for asking every detail..Please help me...I love her so much and she loves me too..She was so sorry for everything... this had happened last december of 2011..I am still so down...

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Mr Kumbah, you are right, trust is almost never regained again. Lying and cheating always go together. These things happen and the easier and faster we move on the better. i never want anybody to experience it!!

      As always you are full of insights and I thank you for that! Happy trip to Goa...

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      mr kumbah 5 years ago

      It is in India. Cheating is terrible , I think more so because you feel that you've been lied to, the trust is very , very difficult to get back.

      My ex cheated twice on me with her ex , before I caught her with her ex after telling me she was with her sister, she had been looking me in the eyes saying "you have to learn to trust me, im over him , it will never happen again " .

      I can really understand what people are going through , its a tough call to deal with, I honestly think that you're better off out of the relationship altogether than being with someone whos cheated , if both partys are doing it , then I think its definitely time to re-evaluate what's going on as hard as it is , is it really worth that much upset for everyone to take the risk that it has a pretty good probability of it happeing again ?

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Trying to Stay, Be strong and I applaud you for what you are doing.

      "We HAVE to be strong even if your hearts broken, smile and still be grateful for what you have in life'. I like what you said there. You must take care of yourself physically too, by eating properly and trying to sleep. I know that is difficult if it is still fresh, but hopefully as time goes by, it will be alright.

      Take care and thanks for sharing.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Mr Kumbah, your words are comforting and full of wisdom. Though sometimes it is difficult to heal, we are truly the architects of ourselves. We can move on and be happy.

      Thanks again and enjoy your vacation to Goa. Is Goa in India?

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      Trying to Stay Strong 5 years ago

      When it rains it pours, they weren't lying about this saying. My situation is a little different. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. In the first year I messed up and cheated on him, i confessed and did everything in my power to prove he can trust me,five years later I still remain faithful. Just yesterday my world came crashing down, he cheated on me a week away. My eating habit is horrible and my stomach is in knots. I cried to him why, why, and i think now its not a matter of why because there is NO excuse. We are after all human and we must learn how to forgive. We have a 5 month old together, and I made the decision that we are going to work on this relationship. As i write this tears flow from my eyes, it is a very difficult situation, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. I am in the process of healing and I am turning to a close friend but most importantly to God. We HAVE to be strong even if your hearts broken, smile and still be grateful for what you have in life.

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      mr kumbah 5 years ago

      Hi Maita , im good thanks ,its a really good Hub you've got going here.

      I always think that when we feel things are difficult for us , theres always aomeone suffering worse than we are, we tend not to look at life objectively all of the time , what we feel is usually subjective and personal,I do try to hold that maxim , not always easy though !

      A lot of the time , were architects of our own misery, hanging on to toxic relationships , thinking one day it may just pay off , it never really does.

      On a much happier note , im a Grandad , got a wonderful little grandaughter !

      Im away to Goa in a few weeks with my girlfriend , could do with the break, its all bed and work,

      Take care Maita .

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Mr K, thanks for dropping by again. I am good, but sometimes I am busy so I can't get to respond ASAP here. Hows everything there? Your advice to Aidan is spot on!!

      Take care!!

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      mr kumbah 5 years ago

      @ Aidan, don't do anything rash or silly , no matter how low you feel , it really isn't worth it, if you need to see someone.

      Moving on does take time, your ex really has done you a favour, even though its not like that right now.

      I follow this hub , its one of the best on here, my ex lives a few doors down from me, she cheated on me with her ex, i even saw them together and did nothing, I would of let her sleep with her ex just as long as she carried on seeing me, what a clown I was ,well that was several years ago, Ive been with someone for nearly 3 years now and not much has changed, my ex still entertains her ex , I came home from work at midight last night, he was leaving her house, he lives with someone else' if he actually met someone he loved , then he wouldn't bother with my ex again.

      There was a time I couldn't face her, it hurt so much , now I talk to her, in fact she seems to go out of her way to talk to me !

      You will get better , you are lucky , you don't have too see youe ex on a daily basis, you have no real ties with the child.

      Try to take control of your life, the best way you can.

      Hi Maita, hope you are well and 2012 is good to you , best wishes , Mr K.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      tnacevom, it takes time to heal, but you can help yourself by letting go and it starts with realizing that what's done is done and you can only move forward. Good luck, sorry for replying so late!!

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi leftbehind, you have to sit down with her and talk things. Are you married with her. I don't know if she she had been unfaithful to you prior to her having accusing you. If you can sort an agreement and you want to work things out, then give it a try, if not then you will just have to face the reality. Be a good dad to your son. I still hope you can sort it out. Give us a feedback.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Aiden! I know it is a difficult moment for you, but I guarantee you that you will be glad you are not with her anymore.

      "Moving on" takes time and I am glad that you are realizing things now. More power to you, thanks for the update!!

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      Aiden 5 years ago

      It's been awhile since I posted something. She had the baby yesterday and I'm nit with her anymore. She's with the real father and after all that I had moved on my feelings rushed back. I saw pictures of them and I know I should be happy for them but instead I put a gun to my head and flipped a golden dollar coin heads for shooting myself and tails for not. Well obviously it landed tails but I wasn't in my right state of mind and I want any other person in distress to know "You are not alone" no matter what. I'm not going to run from my life. I was on the edge and I feel ashamed of almost upsetting all who knew me because I didn't want to deal with the pain. Best wishes to everyone. Had to get that out.

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      tnacevom 5 years ago

      After 10 months it is still raw and can't stop thinking about the betrayal. Try to forgive but seems impossible.

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      chacha 5 years ago

      i want to share my emotion...but im not fluent in english.

      but then im in a stage of guilt...im always blaming myself.im thinking that my effort as a wife and a mother is not enough to them.its 2 yrs from now.but im still searching for the right person so that i can share my experience.my family and friends doesn't know that i and my husband has a problem.i don't want to tell them because im ashamed.

      my husband is doing everything to start a new life again and to bring back my trust with him.He says that was the worst thing that happened in his life.he feels;that he was the bad husband and father.

      but you know even my husband is trying everything; i feel unsatisfied.im looking for something that i don't know.i want to hear something that i still don't know.

      i hope you understand my english.by the way im filipino from davao city.thanks

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      LeftBehind 5 years ago

      that even though i never personally had any interaction with theese ladies it still caused us to break up. She had finished her semester of school and told me that she was going to visit her mom for a week or two..... Come to find out she was leaving me and taking my son with her and didn't even bother to tell me until i figured it out on my own with some denied phone calls. I began a very long chase trying to call her as much as i could and talking to her everyday until she was ready to start hanging out with me and start over... about 2 months later she told me that she was ready to come back and try to make things work with me about 6 days after she came back she started going to her moms every weekend and paying little to no attention to me. come to find out she had met someone a week after we had broke up and had been talking to him. It wasant until she moved back that she started to sleep with him. I guess it ended in aug. and that was that we kept going out with eachother and me never knowing anything i was doing my best too make her beleive i was a changed person. Well the weekend of halloween she wen up to her moms again but this time she was denying all my phone calls again. So i looked at the phone bill since im the one who pays for everything and sure enough there was a couple hundred text messages to a random number so i called it and a guy answered. I had caught her red handed. When she came back i confronted her about the situation and all she did was get angry and tell me he was just a friend but no one texts "just a friend" at three in the morning non stop. Well come to find out it had started back up with him and now i feel like a big Piece of sh.t. I have not felt like my self and our 2 yearold son has been ignored in all of this. She tells me that she is sorry for everything and she loves me and that she has chosen me... Sadly that's not good enough i feel that she took it to far to many times while i was under the imppresion that we were on good terms. I feel that she loves me and i know that's not the kind of person she is but the thought of another man being in my spot and me being the supporting factor in everything while he gets the pleasure really kills me. Iv felt like sh.t this whole time because she wasant being 100 percent with me at the same time she was making another man feel good. I don't know how to move on with her and its killing everything that we could be having now.

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      LeftBehind 5 years ago

      Hi i have had a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years going on 6 in a few months. About 6 months ago she broke up with me due to various reasons. One of the main things was the fact that i had been talking to other girls and she had cauht me in the act....I don't beleive i was trying to hide anything from her since i never deleted anything from her being able to see what was going on. She says that it was the final straw especialy after i had quite an explicit conversation with an older lady that i work with. Although it ment nothing and there was never or ever going to be any action behind it it had still hurt her just the same. I know

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      Anon 5 years ago

      Thank you for this. I needed an objective view on this. My bf made a mistake. I think I might be making one in forgiving him but I need to take each day as it comes and see if I feel better. If not, I'll do the right thing. In the end my happiness is what's most important.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Hi Marie, your situation is difficult, but I think you know already that of you keep on thinking about it, the more you can't forget it. Indulge your mind with some other activities.

      He lied to you and even if you are not "on" with him during those times, to sleep with somebody when you are trying to work it out is not good.

      You may want to have time on your own and think about your relationship with him.

      Infidelity happens and when this is a repeated behavior then you may really want to evaluate your situation and relationship with him.

      Have time for yourself and go out with your friends, visit your family so that there is no room to think about what happened. Good luck!!

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      Marie 5 years ago

      Found out my boyfriend has been with another girl on and off for two to three months. During this time we have been on and off and he promises it was only during our off times that he was with her. After our first breakup he came back to me and I made it clear that he could not be sleeping with anyone else and me. He promised me he had not and would not. That was a big fat lie because he had already been with another woman. He continued to sleep with her whenever we were broken up and then come back to me. This cycle went on for about three months. Once I really questioned him over and over the truth came out. He says he's sorry and loves me and wants to marry me and that she was just a distraction for him. Who sleeps with someone as a distraction? And that she knew they were just friends with benefits. My question to you is how do I get rid of all the images in my head of him and her together. I think about it at all hours of the day and have trouble sleeping. I see them in my mind and it makes me sick. I want to forget and move forward I honestly wish I could but I can't get past all the images and how could he do this to me if he loved me? And if he respected me how could he do this me? Ugh, I don't see how I can move on with him if those images don't go away. Help, please.

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      prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US

      Pamela, I can understand your feeling. If you feel that he is sincere, then forgive him. If you can't accept what he did, tell him the truth, you can then have time to think about things. It might help if you cool off so that you can examine your feelings for him. It is difficult when somebody betray you. Once a person betrays you, sometimes it is difficult to bring back the trust. It requires effort on your part and him so that it can be regained again.

      So that you don't get depressed, don't dwell on it and think of other activities so that you are busy.

      Is he even communicating with the mom of the baby. Even if the woman is not bothering him, he should at least have to do something for the baby. That's another sign of being a good man. Look out for that.

      Keep on updating us and take care.