- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
11 Big Mistakes Men make Unconsciously when in a Committed Relationship:
When in a committed relationship, there are tough times as well as good times, all of that is part of the whole package. But there are some men out there who are making their relationship harder by doing one or more of the following mistakes, whether that'll be consciously or unconsciously......whether you're one of them or not, at one time you're likely to commit any of these mistakes unconsciously also.....but worry not, this article is here to your aid...
Read carefully and digest the information below, then implement it in your real-life so you can stop self-sabotaging your relationship....!!
1. Craving for Emotional Dependency in a Partner
- Getting a thoughtful and understanding partner in a relationship is every man’s dream, a partner who knows how to fulfill his needs and meet them the way he wants them to be met, that’s a golden one.
But don’t let it keep you up at night wondering when that time will come, because as a man you’re supposed to be more practical, assertive and proactive as well as flexible in your approach to life and people in your life.
Be more realistic with things and depend on yourself more than other people, usually a man who has a lot going on in his life doesn't need emotional dependency towards anyone aside himself and his things.
Emotional dependency is one big relationship and attraction killers, especially when a man projects this trait. It’s a total turn-off to a girl. A man is obligated to run things in a relationship and life courageously and confidently, not tremble when threats arise or maybe not strong enough to face challenges.
Every woman wants a strong man, one who can take good care of her and handle anything confidently to the end; it’s a kind of security she’s craving for in a man of her dreams and long term partner.
Lack of confidence and self esteem is a cause of this weakness in among so many men today. At first a man may appear strong in certain interactions, but as time wears off, he displays this trait in different ways. It could be through insecurity, nagging or constant asking for validation or advice or showing controlling behaviors.
Men who have achieved a lot in their lives or men who have a lot going on in their life, don’t have such weaknesses, because that void has been fueled by so much self belief, healthy self esteem and confidence which have been created by their achievements and completed goals.
SOLUTION: Set goals and achieve them, no matter how small or irrelevant. Find hobbies which you enjoy doing then go as deep as to learn more about them to the extent you master them to the fullest enough to show our teach other people. Getting yourself out there pursuing things and achieving them constantly gives you a power like no other, you won’t only get a supper healthy self esteem to run your relationship greatly….but also you will get some things which will improve you and ultimately your whole life.
2. See relationship as the ultimate source of happiness
Some men have the tendency of starting a relationship and trying to make it as a therapy of their own past emotional traumas, i.e. as an escapement from memories or experiences of their own dysfunctional family or past relationships. As a result, he keeps his expectations too high in that relationship beyond normal just to come and self destruct later on after over-depending on it and believing it as a source of great happiness.
Don’t get me wrong; having a relationship with someone who understands you so well than anyone else, someone who has all the qualities that you look for in a girl, is in fact very great. But that doesn’t have to make you believe that relationships are the ultimate source of happiness because if that happens, you’ll be disappointed a lot when your needs aren’t met by her sometimes. It could be that she has accidentally forgotten something, and then you become very depressed because of that, when it could be that they didn’t do that on purpose.
Then putting a girl on a pedestal will come as a side effect of that, which will put a girl in a very discomforting position because she’ll try very hard to meet the expectations which you have about her, since girls naturally don’t want to disappoint people, it’ll be a very frustrating job for her to maintain well since your beyond-perfect expectations will be impossible for her to meet. And when that doesn't happen, you will be more disappointed in her and the entire relationship.
Don’t be naïve and delusional, relationship isn't a source of ultimate happiness. Being alive and live your life the way you want it to be with the people that you want to live with, her being one of them; that’s the ultimate happiness. But things don’t stop there as you’ll always crave for more in life since; we as humans always strive to get more out in life. Your happiness Gage doesn't get full but it grows over time with the experiences of happiness you get.
SOLUTION: Read self help books or quotes of motivational speakers or your favorite authors. My favorite motivational speaker is Anthony Robbins, get his books and audios online or buy them at Amazon. This is a great source of getting motivation in improving your self esteem and confidence in just about anything else in life, not just your relationship.
3. Suffocate a girl with attention or their presence.
Dating or being with somebody in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you should invade their private space every time with your presence and what you have to offer. Some men do this unconsciously every time without realizing the effects it has in their relationship believing that it’s important to strengthen the bond between them.
Love grows in the absence of pressure, that is for certain and you can even bet on it. When you’re always there every time without giving your girl a space and time to miss you more often. Sometimes she might want to do other things with her friends or family members but be too limited due to you presence, she might be afraid to tell you directly so instead she might send signals which would've been hard for that man to notice since he’s busy suffocating her more and more.
That backfires and you can be sure of that, instead of increasing the attraction she has for you, you decrease it.
Another way men do this is through showering her with presents and gifts frequently without any occasion, just to win her attention or validation. This is just very wrong man. He might be right there beside here and follow her everywhere she goes like a lost puppy, he’s willing to do each and everything she asks, even the things she didn't asks for….he just does them.
This behavior is due to the lack of experience with women, he’s doing this believing he’s strengthening the bond while he’s sabotaging his own relationship.
SOLUTION: Find your interests, hobbies and passions then spend your time doing them, stick to them and develop yourself. Give her the space which she needs; give her the time to miss you sometimes. Be a prize and let her come to you when she has really missed you. Use that time also to do your own things which are beneficial for your life or career, because at the end; the entire relationship and your life depends on the balance that will come when you have everything stable and secure in your life.
4. Let complacency get in the way
Some men early in the relationship show immense passion by treating a girl too well, fulfilling each of her every needs, but later on the momentum fades away until it dies completely. Then at the end they focus on other things more than their relationship leaving it to become stale, boring until it dies away. They could hang out with their buddies more than their girlfriend/wife or they could just be very busy with other things more, spending more time on other things than their girlfriend/wife. This makes the relationship boring as he doesn’t make any effort in maintaining it, until it becomes too much to handle and not worth the effort to fight for it, eventually it dies.
Don’t fool yourself, relationship needs work to keep and maintaining it and that needs cooperation but it’s mostly a man’s job to do that as he’s the one who initiated it in the first place. Investment of time and effort is needed to some extent in maintaining it, but some men ignore that letting it run itself which is impossible. A man must divide his time equally in his life, but should add a little time in his relationship.
It’s easy to fall into bad habit of getting used to someone, until you take their presence for granted, it’s until they slip out of your life then you realize their true value and contribution in your life. We all do this all the time sometimes, to our parents and friends, but it’s unconsciously. There’s a solution to this, and it’s pretty simple.
SOLUTION: Don’t keep things too passionate in the beginning of a relationship that will suck your enthusiasm of keeping your relationship stable. Be realistic but also be sweet but not over-passionate. When you become over-passionate it’s easy for your will power to be drained; it’s called Ego Depletion. Otherwise when you've already reached this stage, in order to save your relationship you should keep things fun and adventurous. Plan trips together, go out and have fun frequently but not too much as it’ll get old, at least thrice a week is enough. Keep your communication strong and intimate. Keep things interesting and challenging from all point of view for the both of you.
5. Being over occupied with other Responsibilities
Everyone has got responsibilities in their lives, except for those people who are in the asylum. Some have too many Responsibilities for their own good but still manage to balance them with their relationships and cooling off a little bit sometimes. But some men make their responsibilities seems more tough and time consuming as if like they’re building a new universe. They’re always on the move, here and there they move about achieving nothing or too little in the process because such people have little control over their lives and their inner selves, so you’ll find them working for somebody.
Now imagine such guy and in a committed relationship, total disaster right?!
Responsibilities are important part of life, it’s what make you go from day to day, but they’re not everything in life. They never end; throughout your life you’ll meet new and more challenging responsibilities than you can handle. So what?!....Take things easy, don’t get too caught up with work or school responsibilities enough to forget the other parts of your life, which are more important, like the important people who are in your life; whether that will be your family or partner.
Don’t let such things make your social and personal life fall apart, there are some things in your life once lost can never be replaced. Great people are such things, so is your family. Work is always there, you will find it always and it’ll never end. But people get old, people get bored and leave…people die. So make the most of them while they’re there for you, so later you don’t have anything to regret.
Some people look back and regret bad, when they’re old and remember how they've taken their relationship for granted, how they've abused their freedom and time..…it’s a worse feeling EVER….TRUST ME…you don’t want to fall in the same line….Fix it NOW..!!
SOLUTION: The main important thing of this is to be aware of this, once you’re aware of the problem then it become much easier for you to avoid and save your relationship. Learn to keep your relationship more important than anything else in your life, it comes first then other things follow. Balance things, if you learn to balance everything in your life things will be a whole lot easier and manageable. Don’t let go of yourself EVER…..it’ll become so natural and easy for you to take things for granted but don’t let this happen to you.
6. Not satisfying her needs
As men become more concerned with bigger things and pay attention to bigger maters in life, sometimes this has the effect of making us ignore or fail to recognize the small details and signals which girls are sending to us. Many men are having hard time becoming aware of small details, it’s because we’re naturally hardwired to focus on much more bigger things that we miss some things in the picture.
Many men become monotonous later after they’ve entered in a committed relationship, fall into a routine and forgetting all of the things which their girlfriends likes, and much worse even ignore the signals which she’s sending him to hint them.
It could be that, she was into going out a lot then at some point you stopped taking her out because of the responsibilities in your life which you’re over-exaggerating, it could be that you used to cook her favorite food but now you don’t because you think that she’s okay with it since it’s clearly that you’re busy saving the world. Whatever state you’re in, it doesn't give you the right to bring effects to your outside world and people.
Remember that, women have needs which need to be met and you not going about to meet those needs is simply being irresponsible. The flaw most men have is an act of treating women the same way they treat their buddies now a days.
Men and women operate differently and when that is so, their needs and desires are completely different from each other. Some men don’t know this completely, it could be a lack of experience or just ignorance. Women have many biological factors which makes them act the way they do, in that case they need to be treated with care, understanding and tenderness. They have their needs, plenty of them which need to be met. And some of them might not admit that, but that they expect you to understand that so don’t ignore that fact.
SOLUTION: Read my article of 20 Tips of How to be the Best Boyfriend. There’s all the ammo's in there, which you need to be the man every woman will want to have.
7. Not working to develop themselves and their relationship (Completely Letting themselves go)
Just as every living thing in life, a relationship can be conceived then it grows and eventually it dies. But unlike living things, a relationship’s death depends hugely on your effort to keep it alive and healthy, that’s where our guy comes along to the rescue his love life.
A man is responsible to constantly keep his relationship growing big and bigger every now and then through various ways. When he let relationship drive itself, eventually it goes to a dead end street and crushes. He does this in so many ways. Most men aren’t even aware of this thing, they don’t know a relationship is like a living thing which needs work and constant maintenance in order to keep it thriving and healthy. And lack of the proper treatment can make it become unhealthy, diminishing dull until it dies. He has to initiate the participation process between him and his girl to make their relationship grow through a number of activities which they would’ve planned together. The process of making their relationship grow big and bigger, more healthier is a responsibility which both of them have to do, equally.
Most men even go as far as to overload the girls with the responsibility of driving the relationship all by herself, she does all the work of keeping it stable and healthy, since he has no idea of this concept and she sees it as him ignoring his responsibility, it brings misunderstanding between them as it would’ve seemed like he’s doing things on purpose while he has no idea of what he’s doing wrong, because of the fact that he can't see anything.
Only very experienced men understand this concept, or women themselves. So when she cheats on him it doesn’t ring a bell on his head completely of what he did wrong to cause that infidelity, since he provided all the security a girl could ever asked for.
Security isn’t enough my friends, security is just the one of the things which a woman needs in a man….but not everything. A girl has a big list of things which she needs in a man, and all of them needs to be handled in a certain way….it isn’t a difficult thing, some men handle them all the time.
SOLUTION: Visit my article of 20 Tips of How to be the Best Boyfriend to get all the info’s which you need to tackle this problem. Or check out the solution of the following problem, which will also be helpful in solving this problem that most men make unconsciously.
8. Keeping things too serious
Some men tend to take things too serious to the extremes or acting too straight forward in a relationship, it’s not their intention to do so, but it’s just in their nature, past experiences or due to the nature of their work…...thus being controlling or being too formal…....men, that was even boring for me to write.
This is a huge turn off to girls, and brings boredom in the relationship which in turns kills everything. Most men are not aware of this until they’re told by outsiders or their partners. No sense of humor or fun in their relationship completely.
I can’t strain this more enough, it’s obvious and clear how many men portray this behavior; some even come up with new ways to display it.
SOLUTION: Keep things refreshing, fun and adventurous. Making your partner happy doesn't necessarily bringing her grand gifts like a diamond earrings or 20K gold chain, just create the atmosphere of fun in your relationship in every way possible. And mostly importantly add some charm and huge amount of fun in your character……And 20K gold chain wouldn't hurt either…….learn to take things easy, be lighthearted and humorous. Totally strong emotionally to undergo anything without letting it affect your outside world. Read some of my articles for proper enlightenment.
9. Having an emotional affair
Emotional affair is the tendency of one of the partner having to spend more time with someone else from outside, than their fellow partner. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing, so long as they violate the right of giving their partner the right of spending adequate amount of time that they truly deserve, that’s emotional affair. If a person spends more time with someone else of the opposite or same sex, than they do with their partner whom they are in a serious relationship with; they are committing emotional affair.
So….having an affair doesn't necessarily have to mean taking your pants off and jumping into bed with another girl?!....That’s right, I told you relationship needs work…!!...The word commitment itself says everything.
We've all seen it in movies how men do these mistakes over and over again, from one movie to another…it starts like this, a girl is home preparing dinner for her partner, then it turn out that the guy is out having fun with his buddies then when he reaches home he finds the girl wearing nice outfit while snoozing on top of a dinner table that has two plain plates and two candles which are on their halfway to melt completely, assisted by soft music on the background…..its until then he realizes that he has screwed things up, before even waking up the girl, he already knows that he did something wrong. And you know what?!...some guys watches that movie but still manages to pull off the same kind of mistake but in a different manner…..that’s how some men are today.
SOLUTION: Learn to divide up your time well, and give your girl the right amount of time which she needs and deserves. But again that doesn't mean spending too much time with her, it means spending the right amount time with her, balance this so it doesn't backbite you. For busy guys, spending 3 full days in one week is totally enough, don’t let busyness consume you so much then you’re like telling yourself that, Jennifer will understand, yah she will be understanding for some time, but if you go overboard continuously with the same excuse it’s be too much for her to handle and you’ll be left alone with your busyness of building a new universe of your own.
10. Constant Confrontation:
This comes in terms of couples fighting every time.....this is a big relationship killer in most cases because couples get tired of the constant fight, especially the girl. There are certain ways to handle a girl well and you can get along with her very well in the relationship. Give her what she wants, challenge her occasionally, tease her, surprise her most of the time and be spontaneous. As long as you maintain these, then things will be on the right path....just know your girl, understand her to know what makes her tick and what makes her open up......experiment and analyse....
SOLUTION: Don't let things get stale or boring in any moment of your relationship, it's a man's role to drive most of the interaction in a relationship.....from the moment a man courted or approached a girl, that moment is like taking a a responsibility of keeping it running till the end of time......you approached her in the first place didn't you?!....then finish things till the end....it's you responsibility as a man......don't complain and don't run away from that responsibility if you're a real man, a man you think she'll look up to.....keep things fresh...new exciting....and adventurous......then your relationship will run itself for years and years.!!
11. Letting outsiders interfere their relationship
A personal relationship is a private matter between you and your partner, no one has the right to interfere with it or change anything about it with or without your permission except you and your girl. Some men go as far as to share their private stuffs with their fellow men, intimate things which shouldn't be discussed with outsiders.
Some men’s relationship is being controlled by their mother or friends influence, that’s really embarrassing and pathetic…..really.
This shows that they lack control of their relationship, so some men and women tell them what to do, instead of him solving matters alone he ends up following opinions or advice which are fatal to that relationship. Matters of two people who are in a committed relationship, should be only solved by those two people who are in that relationship.
Its ok listening to people and ask for their advice, but don’t see those advice and opinions as the only solution to your problem or advancement in whatever area of your relationship which needs amendments.
A man is the only one who knows how is relationship is going, it’s impossible for an outsider to completely understand his situation because he’s not the one in that relationship, the outsider doesn't know that girl well, no one knows that girl well than you do so do what you believe works best in that situation instead of depending on outside influences to run their relationship.
Some people just want to destroy your relationship and watch you fall, so its very important in deciding which advice you’ll take to improve your relationship. Some men just blindly and desperately try everything they’re given instead of filtering things, they just do what they've been told works and so they just implement it. People are different in every aspect, so don’t treat them the same way trust me.
SOLUTION: People are different, so every man should treat all girls differently, there isn't a silver bullet that goes for all girls, I mean in certain aspects it’s a yes but not everything. Study your girl so you can know how to go about her, and don’t just follow people’s advice, some people don’t wish well for you committed relationship so take some advice sure…but filter them first.
BE PROACTIVE…..TAKE ACTION……and remember you’re doing that for you mostly, not her….best of luck…!!