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10 Things No Man Should Ever Have In His Closet.

Updated on January 27, 2011

One of the biggest steps a boy can make as he becomes a man is moving into his own place. With this move comes a lot of new responsibilities and freedoms. This can allow him to express his individuality, or serve to magnify his flaws. Whether he has roommates or lives by himself, what a man surrounds himself with truly speaks to who he is and what he values in his life. When he brings a woman into that realm, she immediately begins to analyze the surroundings and taking mental notes on what she sees, smells, and feels. Two key areas a woman will look to understand a man she is or could be in a relationship with is his bathroom and his closet. There she can see deep into his core being and figure out what makes him tick, what he values, and how he will eventually behave if the relationship develops into the long term. This list serves as a warning to all the men out there, read it and then go check your closet to make sure you aren't sending the wrong messages. Here are 10 things that no man should ever have in his closet. Enjoy!

10. Underwear with holes in it.

This could probably be worded as any article of clothing with holes in it but we're making an exception for the t-shirt you do yard work in. Here's the thing boys, the idea is to portray yourself as a well put together, independent man who can take care of himself. If you are girding your loins in something that has been around long enough to wear out, you are sending a completely different message. They come in 12 packs for $5 for god-sakes!

9. Old Love Letters That Aren't From Your Current Partner.

Oops. Does this one really need an explanation? Why would you even have these in your closet in the first place? There really is no talking your way out of this one so as a rule of thumb you shouldn't keep old love letters in your closet period.

8. His 'magazine' collection.

Two words: inter net. Not only is this super tacky for a woman to find, but if you have to hide something in your closet don't you think that on some deep psychological level you shouldn't have it in the first place? And maybe if you spent as much time learning how to treat and talk to a woman as you do staring at them you might just find yourself in the company of women more often. I'm just saying.

7. Dirty Laundry.

This is one could be the source of much debate. Obviously if you don't have a laundry room or another place you can put your nasty post workout clothes then your closet definitely beats on the floor next to the bed. Dirty clothes look gross and smell even worse so for goodness sakes get a basket and an air freshener at least. Oh and here's a tip, if you have to pick something up and smell it to see if it is dirty don't waste your time, it is.

6. Drugs.

This one kind of goes hand in hand with your 'magazine' collection. Obviously you shouldn't really be doing drugs in the first place. And if you do, why hide them in the closet like you're in high school and your mom could bust in at any moment? Buy a fancy urn or something. Or better yet, stop smoking pot and grow up, dumbass.

5. A Fundamental Lack of Clothing Or Shoes.

You don't have to have a walk-in closet bigger than the house you grew up in. You don't need to create a new outfit every day for 30 days without ever doubling up. But you should have some variety. Colors and styles. You need some jeans, some khakis, and some slacks. T-shirts, dress shirts, and polos. Work shoes, workout shoes, and casual shoes. Look, it doesn't cost of fortune; you just have to be strategic. Learn to layer clothing and make sure you buy items that are multi functional. Ask for help if you need it. A closet with the right clothes in it will let a woman know that you have taste and can be ready for just about anything at any time. A closet with a pair of jeans and 15 t-shirts from Metallica concerts tells a woman you want to be alone for the rest of your life.

4. Anything Living.

This counts for mold, mildew, mice, plants (see number 6) snakes, pets or other animals, insects, or even another human being. Keep the floor clean and swept and don't put anything damp in there. Especially if you might forget it until it comes to life and fights back with your own shoes.

3. Toys.

You're not 8 years old anymore. If you still happen to own toys they had better be in a box, in the garage, waiting for 25 years until you can sell them on eBay for millions. This goes for sports figurines, rare toys, baseball cards, and model cars. In a woman's eye a toy is a toy, and those are for children. She is right.

2. Weapons.

I once knew a guy who had samurai swords in his closet in case his house was ever attacked by ninjas. First off, unless you are a samurai you shouldn't have one of their swords. Second of all, if you're so worried about getting attacked maybe you should put a better lock on the door so they can't get in in the first place. Keeping weapons in your closet is just asking for some kid to wander in there and hurt himself, or worse. If you must have a weapon, put it in a safer place, like a gun cabinet or a safe. As soon as I read about a home invasion that was stopped because the guy was able to retrieve his firearm from the closet in time to shoot the bad guys I will change my tune. Until then, no weapons.

1. Anything He Wants To Keep A Secret.

I'm not an advocate for secrets. But sometimes you might have them, like if you are a secret agent or something. I'll choose to take the high road here and say that if you need to hide that really cool present you got her for her birthday, or the ring you plan on asking her to marry you with, the closet is never the best place to try and hide it. When you watch a movie and in it a nosy kid is sneaking around a house looking for something, where are the secrets always discovered? That's right, on the top shelf of the closet in a shoebox. Your top dresser drawer is also not a good choice.

There you have it. Hopefully this helped you out a little bit and maybe even made you laugh. Go ahead and take a look at your closet or your boyfriends closet and see what it is telling you. Hopefully you didn't fail all ten of these tips. When you're finished with this list, be sure to check out the 10 Essentials Every Man Should Have In His Closet. Thanks for reading!


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      "You need some jeans, some khakis, and some slacks. T-shirts, dress shirts, and polos. Work shoes, workout shoes, and casual shoes."

      Well, you don't need jeans at all. I never understood the appeal. Most men look like slobs in jeans and t-shirts. They are just an ugly and functional article of clothing.

    • Jack Salathe profile imageAUTHOR

      Jack Salathe 

      7 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Fair enough DzyMsLizzy! I definitely did not intend to include those who are prescribed marijuana for medicinal reasons in my statement. I was definitely thinking of some of my college friends when I wrote that:). You make some good points there, thanks for sharing!

    • michifus profile image


      7 years ago

      10/10 Jack. And the hub is pretty good too. ;)

    • michifus profile image


      7 years ago

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 

      7 years ago from Oakley, CA

      Good list, and #6 is fine if it's illegal stuff in there. But your statement of "Or better yet, stop smoking pot and grow up, dumbass," conveniently ignores the legitimate medical uses of "pot." You do not have to be physically incapacitated, using it only for pain.

      In the states that have medical marijuana programs, it can also be recommended for anxiety and high blood pressure instead of many of the toxic, high-side-effect drugs the doctors and big pharmaceutical companies like to push.

      Those "legal" prescription drugs are responsible for many, many deaths, overdoses and other maladies requiring yet more drugs to counteract the effects of the original one.

      Can we say "job security" for doctors and Big Pharma?!?

    • Triplet Mom profile image

      Triplet Mom 

      7 years ago from West Coast

      Great list! All men should check this out. My hubby could have used this information years ago. Oh well live and learn ;)

    • wordscribe43 profile image

      Elsie Nelson 

      7 years ago from Pacific Northwest, USA

      Samurai swords? Seriously? Wow, that's a new one for me. Anyway, love this hub... not only funny, but SPOT ON from the female perspective. :)

    • arthurchappell profile image


      7 years ago from Manchester, England

      Cool, cheers.

    • Jack Salathe profile imageAUTHOR

      Jack Salathe 

      7 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Thanks for the comments! I am a supporter of not admitting which ones you fail:). Let's just be satisfied with knowing what we need to improve!

    • arthurchappell profile image


      7 years ago from Manchester, England

      perceptive - I fail the test on a few points - not saying which ones though, lol!

    • QudsiaP1 profile image


      7 years ago

      Very well written.

    • Jack Salathe profile imageAUTHOR

      Jack Salathe 

      7 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Thanks Enlydia! I have to admit that after I wrote it I had to check my own closet:). Fortunately I passed my own test (except for number 7). Thanks for taking the time to read my hub and for the kind words!

    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 

      7 years ago from trailer in the country

      funny and informative...hope the guys listen...rated up


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