A Survival Guide For Men And The Women Who Take Them Shopping

Guys: Appear calm (never bored,) never rush her and don’t regret any decisions you WILL make because she WILL force you to (seemingly) decide for her on something. (An example: “Do these jeans make me look fat?” or “The red one or the chartreuse one?” By the way, according to Wikipedia: "chartreuse is the color precisely halfway between green and yellow." Now that you know, you'll appear very fashion conscious to her. Points!)

Here’s a hint: she already has her mind set anyway. So you're off the hook to begin with anyway, guys! Look confident when deciding because it doesn't matter what your opinion is in this situation anyway but at least she asks for it.

Ladies: I know shopping takes intense concentration but give just a few seconds of thought and think “like a guy” in certain situations. As an example: would you want to stare at men’s clothing for a long, long time? Or would he like to leave you alone to your shopping and check out that new John Deere mower? The answers are probably no and yes (in that order.)

But some guys will have good opinions on what looks good on you, ladies. Besides, you want to make him happy, right? O.K. then go to Victoria's Secret and TAKE HIM. He probably won't mind going THERE with you clothes shopping.

Look Good, Feel Good

If we're together ANYWHERE in public please be considerate and just TRY to do your best to look hot before we leave and I’ll try my best to look as hot as I can also. Like wear SOME makeup and lose the Aunt Jemima scarf. You may not feel good, I understand, but I like to parade you around especially when you look your best. I want to hide and pretend I don’t know you when you look like hell.

My wife did this once, I didn’t say a word about it, asked her nicely afterward and she never did it again. She understood my very simple request. Shopping alone? Go in whatever get up you want with a clown mask on, if you prefer. I don’t care. I won’t be looked upon with pity as the guy with the slovenly girl.

Negotiating The Parking Lot

Do you really think we'll find a parking spot ten feet closer? PARK IT! Quit wasting gas. You always say you’re trying to lose weight. Well, walking is a good exercise and walking a few extra feet won’t kill you. In fact, I try to park way out “on the back forty” (as they say.) No one opens their doors and dents your car, there’s plenty of room to get in and a thief can easily be seen.

Drive forward into the next parking spot unless the lot specifically says not to. That’s a very rare lot requirement. Where is there a rule or law that states you have to head in? Most parking lot accidents occur while BACKING UP. So eliminate backing up. Simple. Besides, when you leave, you just get in the car and GO! We're not even shopping yet and haven’t gotten out of the parking lot with advice.

Guys: Always ask permission to go check out the power tools or the automotive section if you're in a department store or mall or hey, even... wait for it... the men’s section. That’s right. No one said you can’t shop for yourself while you’re there. You’re not seven years old anymore so your Mom is not around to shop for you. If your wife or girlfriend is doing it for you, YOU REALLY ARE SEVEN YEARS OLD (mentally.)

That’s right fellas. Ask her permission and ladies, set him free and if he really loves you he’ll come back. I believe there's a wise saying that goes like that. Or close to it anyway. Like I said earlier, she will most likely need you guys to decide on an outfit or something like that later. So let her know where you'll be. Not a lot of places to look for you anyway. You'll most likely find him in either tools, garden, sporting goods. She WILL NOT look for you in the men's section. What for? SHE'S there. She'll want to go in there together to outfit you HER WAY. Just let her.

Telling her where you are keeps you accessible and by ASKING you sound polite and considerate and we all know THAT’S still up for debate because you leave the seat up on the toilet still or something else inconsiderate like that. And believe me, IT IS something.

Hey, WE’RE GUYS! We do these things and not usually on purpose. We’re thinking about how we’re going to afford a new transmission on the car when you can feel it’s just about due to drop right in the middle of the road any day now or something “guy-like” and similar to our "guy worries." It's always something.

Ladies: Do not surprise or reward him by making a purchase for him without his permission first. No really, just trying to help here. Because regardless if he likes it or acts as though he likes it, he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

What most likely will happen is he’ll say he loves it and you’ll never see that shirt leave his closet ever again. Then during an argument SOMEHOW the truth will be revealed when he blurts it out that he hated it all along. He’ll regret the day he ever said that and that he wasn’t 100% truthful at the time of purchase. Then he’s a liar. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation for you men. (Yes, three times. You were presented something you don’t want nor need. You lied that you love it. You’re a guy. Three things you’re guilty of. And all because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings. When will you EVER learn, fellas? Tsk, tsk.)

Above all ladies, please DO NOT make us hold your purse. We REALLY hate that!

Article written by Dan W. Miller "The Vanilla Godzilla"