10 (of the) Dumbest Things Guys Do To Attract Girls

School is in session, class. Today we are going to try to learn how to distinguish the difference between a good-hearted "loser," and a real, down-right, "dumb" guy. Believe me. There are differences.

Good-hearted "losers" never harm anyone, but maybe themselves when they are laughed-to-scorn at the foolish things they say and do. Actually, and in all honestly, I had rather hang-out with six good-hearted losers than two real, down-right, "dumb" guys. I will tell you why.

Good-hearted "losers" will not cause me any harm at all. But real, down-right, "dumb" guys have the potential to do some damage to me and themselves just by not knowing how really dumb the things they do look to the public. And let me reference this by saying that the real, down-right, "dumb" guys I mean are those with huge amounts of male bravado mixed with a male pride that could move Mt. Everest. These guys, I tell you, "are" socially-lethal. And that is how "these" guys can harm you.

EXAMPLE: let's say that you and your hot girlfriend are in a restaurant having a fine meal, when in walks three real, down-right "dumb" guys who are out to get some pretty girl's attention. Suddenly they spot "your" girl. Then the "circus is in town" with all of the "dumb" guys' antics, shenanigans and foolish-attempts to get her attention. Then like a wizard waving his magic wand, your hot girlfriend thinks that "you" know these "dumb" guys and quickly-misjudges you for one of them. Then leaves in a huff. See how lethal these "dumb" guys can really be?

At this time, I will give you a bathroom break or time to get a cup of coffee or Sprite and relax, for we might be on this subject for awhile.

So glad that most of you came back. I am pleased at your eagerness to learn how to spot "The 10 (of the) Dumbest Things That Guys Do To Attract Girls," for by learning how to identify these guys could save you and your friends some humiliation or maybe your life if the "dumb" stunts these "dumb guys" are pulling should get out of hand.
Out and out, really "Dumb" things like . . .

1.) BREAKING PIECES OF LUMBER on their heads (2 x 4's) to show a pretty girl just how tough they are. These "dumb" guys really think that a girl in 2012 cannot take care of herself. They, the "dumb" guys, are stuck with the "I Love Lucy" reruns from the 60's and cannot cope with a true strong woman.

2.) CHALLENGING a rabid stray mutt foaming at the mouth or a Rattlesnake who has lost its way from the forest to the city, to a hand-to-hand, or hand-to-mouth fight. "Yeah, Jennie Sue. This (rabid dog or Rattler) is no match for my hands of steel," brags the "dumb" guy who ends up in the emergency room while Jennie Sue and her girlfriends are at "Happy Jack's Burgers and Beer," in the girl's room laughing themselves into tears over this jerk who thought that if he, the "dumb" guy handled the (rabid dog or Rattler) for her, he would score major "sympathy points," and get a date with Jennie Sue. Nope. He was only out $100.00 for medicines and shots.

3.) BOILED-EGG EATING CONTESTS with other "dumb" buys while the really hot and sexy girls look on. I analyze this one as purely stupid, but it serves a purpose too. Even hot, sexy girls need some wholesome entertainment and what best fills that need than two "dumb" guys grinning at each other with mouths stuffed with boiled eggs and growing nauseated by the minute? Hard to beat, (no pun intended), these boiled egg challenges.

4.) ARM WRESTLING with volunteers from the crowd. You see, the real, down-right "dumb" guys are really not that dumb. No sir. In this case, they "case" the crowd and see that only weaklings of guys make up the crowd. Who else will a "dumb" guy call for a hot arm wrestling match, a 290-pound, All American linebacker? No, a weaker guy that spells instant win for the "dumb" guy making the challenge. You see, the arm wrestler "dumb" guy has read and bought the old Charles Atlas Muscle Building Course and he now thinks he is made of lead. Not so. The "dumb" guy makes a visual error and picks a "real" weight-lifter who humiliates him to bad even the EMT's cannot work for laughing at the "dumb" guy who is now tied in knots like a pretzel.

5.) SURVIVAL TESTS oh, this one is really, really for "dumb" guys. Someone, probably a practical joker, told the "dumb" guys that girls are impressed with guys who can "stick it out," and "suck it up," and survive for days in the wilderness without food, water, shelter or compass. Guess what? They aren't. They are though, somewhat sorry for the "dumb" guy who was rescued by a sensible forest ranger who found the "dumb" guy trying to eat a beaver's skull that he found along the river bank. Poor "dumb" guys. Will they ever learn?

6.) BEER-DRINKING CHALLENGES are not for "dumb" guys. They never win these contests designed to make hot, single girls swoon with desire. (Even that doesn't make much sense. Why would a hot, single girl want to "be with" a drunken idiot who has gotten drunk and stupid on purpose?) The pro-drinker always beats the "dumb" guy bottle top down.

7.) THE WILLIAM TELL GAME is really a dangerous challenge for even a smart guy. But the "dumb" guys think too that hot, single girls love a man who isn't afraid of a little danger, so he dares another "dumb" guy to shoot a peach off his head with a .22 rifle at 250 yards. The "dumb" guy holding the peach didn't bother to ask if the "dumb" guy with the .22 rifle wore glasses or not. And this challenge always ends badly for all the "dumb" guys involved. And another group of hot, single girls who are walking away with their intelligent men friends and laughing loudly at these "dumb" guys behind their backs.

8.) ENDURANCE TESTS are too, a defeat waiting to happen for "dumb" guys who are starved for a pretty girl's attention. "Hey, Jennifer Jolene, watch me hold my bare hand over this candle," yells a "dumb" guy to the sultry, hot Jennifer Jolene, head cheerleader. After about seven minutes, the "dumb" guy's hand is burned badly and has to have medical attention, which is the "only" attention he will get for that evening. Who did Jennifer Jolene end up with? The hot, athletically-built medical attendant who just happened to be on duty when the 9-1-1 call came in. "Hey, 9-1-1, this is, uhhh, Barney Bill Corbin, at the quad on campus . . .there's this dumb guy, my buddy, Jeb Stump, who's burning his hand up on a candle for no reason." The rest, like they say, is Jennifer Jolene's entry into her diary.

9.) SELF-DEFENSE FEATS I wish held some hope for "dumb" guys who want to get with a pretty girl. But not to be. A typical self-defense feat might begin with, say, a "dumb" guy named, "Oakley Dewberry," who is in decent shape and "dares" Chip Woodson, the college shot-put champ to hit him in the stomach as hard as possible. While the hot, pretty girls watch. You know how this ends. Chip, out of pity, "pulls" his hard punch and still sends "Oakley," reeling and wobbling to the ground. Out cold. And no pretty girl ever runs out the crowd and cries, "that's nerve if you ask me. I want you, Oakley," because no hot, pretty girl is this dumb to be linked with a "dumb" guy like "Oakley," for she needs her social status which will look good on her college resume.

10.) FOOT RACES are sometimes, to be honest, a "dumb" guy's only hope. The "dumb" guy makes the challenge to an average guy, not a college track star and they are off. The only thing that would hamper a "dumb" guy from winning is not getting lost as the track winds around curves, buildings, wooded areas and even through the nearby town. If the "dumb" guy has one ounce of good sense, and a good set of legs, he might impress one pretty girl with his speed and endurance, but that in itself, is a long shot.

There are more than 10 dumb things that "dumb" guys do to impress girls. Way more. But you see, I do not have the nerve to go any further.

I cannot bring myself to "kick someone while they are down."