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A guide for a fat, jobless and lazy guy
In case most of you have not realized, we have a very serious situation. This situation is worse than the problem of natural disasters, famine and poverty. The situation is that girls and getting hotter, hotter and hotter. Ok fine i might pulled out that statement from an AXE commercial but it is actually true. To make matters worse, with the introduction of shows like jersey shore, women are beginning to realize that they have hotter and finer options out there compared to you fat and lazy bum. Lets face a woman would rather see her picture on the front of Entertainment with her celebrity of a hobby instead of being on the pages of the scrap book you seemed to have lost. So if you think you can just sit on that couch getting fatter by the second and still expect that lovely jewel of yours, you should seriously think again.
Keep poisonous substances out of the reach of your women
Hmm lets see...this is probably a tricky one. Before you get your lazy ass onto that leather cushion of yours scout for any substance you are not familiar with that seems to be at the wrong place at the right. But you might actually be familiar with certain poisonous substances...nah i seriously doubt that. You are probably more interested in that champions league finals or lakers game. Also beware of the castor oil plant she might be growing in the family. She would tell it is for making your meal taste better, but do not be fooled. Ricin one of the most powerful poisons in the world is gotten from the seed of the castor plant.Just 1 milligram is a deadly amount if inhaled or ingested, and only 500 micrograms of the substance would kill an adult if it were injected.Main symptoms within the first hours are stomach ache, gastroenteritis , bloody diarrhea and vomiting. Over the course of the first days after exposure, the victim may experience symptoms of dehydration and low blood pressure It has a mild initial taste but you would probably not detect it in your food seeing as you are not even looking for it in the first place
Watch out for the service men Syndrome
Sure he might be a mailman or your wife's personal plumber but he probably has more abs than you( with your single and extra large pack) and to make matters worse, he probably takes out time to ask her about day. Then maybe she begins to tell them about her day and how you are just a scum and a waste of space in the house. He then tells her how beautiful she is and how she deserves to be treated like a princess. The next thing you know, the mails getting to your house turn to love letters and the plumber spends more time than usual working with her 'supervising' the job being done.
The Persian god treatment might just be a message
Yep you might think of yourself as the Persian god being served a burnt offering but it just plain old burnt food probably purposely left to overcook. Fine you might lose your temper and hit her seeing as the god treatment is beginning to happen too often but lets face it: you are getting closer to being screwed. Eating outside or ordering meals would not make the problem go away instead it would just hide on the surface while it digs deep within. Maybe a night out wont be a bad idea afterall
Extended office hours
Ok first of all you are a lazy bum so ya she has to work to bring food for the both of you after you have given her your endless stream of excuses about how the Americans don't like you, how you are too smart to get a job in that area....blah blah. So weeks later she begins to call you( she got you that mobile you are using by the way) and tell you how she how she has gotten promoted and how her 'office hours' have been extended; so you should not expect to see her the week. Well of course she would not be sleeping in the office so she would have to find a friend to stay with. Ya it might be a woman and ya it might be a guy
Hmm divorce court just got a bit interesting
One place to get to see various cases ( whether it is outrageous or not) that lead to divorce being brought up as the solution to the problem is The Divorce court show on Fox. So frankly speaking, it might not be a coincidence that you find her getting so stuck watching this show ( this is when you manage to get your ass out of the eat your meal by the way) that she actually gets to miss an opera show ( oh wait, she might also watch that seeing as she would get to listen her talk about how women should fight for their right and avoid taking shit from men)
KINDS OF LAZY HUSBANDS
The Boy Husband
He never grew up, was never taught how to look after himself and is more like one of the children than a responsible grown-up. Just as he expected his mother to tie his shoelaces, he expects his wife to do everything for him around the house and would be lost without her.
The Perfectionist Husband
He has an old-fashioned view of marriage and believes that it's a woman's job to run the home while he is the hunter-gatherer. He can be hard to live with, has high standards, but won't lift a finger to maintain them. He may not be a perfectionist in his own life, but has perfectionist expectations of his wife and family.
The Angry Husband
If he is hostile, his laziness might be the least of your worries. He bullies his wife into doing things and uses intimidation as a way of getting out of doing housework and parenting duties. Often, his wife will give in to avoid conflict.
The Worried Husband
He is unable to relax at home and is too frightened to take an active role in child-rearing for fear of getting things wrong. He constantly worries that something bad is going to happen to his family. He is intimidated by his wife but paralysed by his fears.