How to ruin and sabotage a first date, 10 of the most funny and effective ways.
and ensure you avoid a second.
If you're reading this I am going to assume it's because of one of a few things, either you have got yourself a date with someone, you don't really relish spending time with in a romantic capacity, yet you have somehow managed to find yourself awaiting a date with them and for one reason or another can't get yourself out of it.
Maybe you said yes on a whim and what seemed like a great idea at the time no longer feels like a very good plan at all. Or you've recently been offered a more appealing offer and you want your first date to be the final date.
Another option however may just be that you actually want your first date to go well and your aim is to be aware of anything that may occur and you want to avoid scuppering your chances of a first date becoming a second.
Lastly it may just be that you are looking for something entertaining, irreverent and fun to read.
The aim of this hub is to provide a bit of all of the above. Whether you have a looming cloud of dread hovering over you, just waiting to rain misery over what precious free time you have and are not looking forward to it in the slightest. Or your waiting in anticipation, to dip your toes in the pool of potential heartbreak once again and hope against hope you don't mess it up.
If you genuinely want to sabotage the first date, follow the ten points listed below to the letter however if you do actually want your date to go well, the opposite applies. For the rest of you, I hope you can find some some humour contained within this article.
Don't explain or apologise, if confronted about your lack of punctuality, immediately dismiss the issue or just say "and?" like a teenager with an attitude problem. Making it look like you think that their the one with the problem.
By arriving late you also give out a clear message very early on, that their not worth your time and that you think that your time is more important then theirs.
Pay no attention to your appearance.
Don't shower, shave, clean you're teeth or use any scented products of any kind. Wear you're oldest or least flattering, preferably unclean clothes. The worse you look, the less impressed they will be.
This will give the impression that your date is not worth the effort and if you look and smell like that on a date, when you are supposed to be at your best, they will be imagining all kinds of unsavoury thoughts about what your personal hygiene is like when you're at your worst.
Don't insist on picking up the tab.
Don't even offer to pay half and if anything is said very reluctantly, vocally and painfully work out exactly your half and pay only that. Don't even think about leaving a tip.
This will give off the impression that generosity is not exactly one of your strong points, your out for a free ride and the world owes you a favour. Letting your unfortunate date know that your all take and no give.
Abandon your manners.
That means no saying please, thank-you or sorry. That does mean swearing, interrupting, scratching or playing inappropriately with your intimate part's. You can be as loud as you dare, as arrogant and self indulgent as you like, you can also pick your nose or ears and eat what you find, just for extra gross factor.
Treat the staff at the establishment your in, like they are your own personal servants, click your fingers at them, shout over to them demanding service immediately and boss your date around a bit too.
If you still don't feel you've done enough, burp loudly without covering your mouth and unashamedly pass wind like it's going out of fashion.
Talk absolute rubbish.
Make talk all about you and interrupt every time they start to discuss anything other then you. Talk about your ex, or how you don't have a social life or friends because of your infatuation with your games console, porn, stamp collecting or cars and make it sound like the most boring thing to do in the world. Also how it's something you do alone and that's what makes it so important to you.
Alternatively don't say anything at all, just give an occasional grunt and don't even look like your listening to anything their saying or indeed find it remotely interesting.
Visit the bathroom or go outside, a lot!
Take frequent trips away and don't explain or justify them. Bonus points if you can do it while their in the middle of a sentence.
If questioned about your little adventures away, even if they politely ask "is everything OK.?" get all defensive, then ask them if they are always this nosey and tell them in no uncertain terms that it's none of their business.
Get your phone out.
Whether it be an i phone or a blackberry, spend most of your time texting or phoning other people and generally giving it your undivided attention, your date for the evening will soon take the hint.
Don't show them what you're doing or who you are texting and again if questioned, just say something along the lines of "who are you my mother?" or "What do you want a report?"
Tut, sigh and moan.
About everything and anything. Complain like it was an Olympic event and your going for gold. The bad service and staff, regardless of weather it's true or not. The weather, your day and anything else that comes to mind. Bang on about just how unfulfilled and depressing you and your life is. Tut regularly to the point it becomes unbearable and sigh exaggeratedly just to annoy them further.
Throw in a few comments about just how little your enjoying the date too, just for good measure.
Have a wondering eye.
Look around constantly, wink at other people if you dare, you can even do a bit of flirting in front of your date, just in case they still think you maybe interested in them.
Avoid looking at your date to the best of your ability, especially any eye contact.
At best they may assume you have a drink problem and bail out early. You probably won't even remember how you messed it all up so badly and you won't ever get the phone call to find out.
However there could be a few rumours flying around afterwards about how you cried/stripped/got thrown out and banned/had a fight/was sick/did some questionable singing or dancing (delete were applicable)
Unfortunately it could all go horribly wrong and you end up waking up with the mother of all hangovers, lying next to your date, in bed.
Insult your date.
If all else fails and there is still a chance they may want another date with you, make them feel inadequate or stupid. Insult there intelligence or looks.
Make them feel truly angry and upset before the date finishes, so much so that they would never want to repeat the experience again.
Despite all this there is still a chance, even if very small, that your date will still say that they want to see you again. This may mean that they are actually really into you, have figured you out and are winding you up or are just saying it to be polite and actually don't have any intention of calling you again.
If in doubt, don't answer your phone or door or just tell them outright that your not interested.
By deliberately ruining your date there are some potential consequences, you may get a bit of a bad name for yourself as a result of the disastrous date, especially if you were seen by someone you know or your date likes to talk.