101 things you should never say on the first date

1. "You're not really my type, I'm just doing this for a friend."
2. "There might be a dollar in my pants. Why don't you look and find out."
3. “I’m kind of ‘between homes’ right now. I don’t have ‘regular’ access to a ‘shower.’”
4. “I hate kids.”
5. “I was abducted by aliens when I was very young.”
6. “This isn’t the only date I have tonight.”
7. “Got any heroin on you?”
8. “You look like you could afford me.”
9. “My astrologer says we’re a perfect match!”
10. “Just get me drunk and let’s get this over with.”
11. “With a little plastic surgery, you’d be perfect!”
12. “I don’t usually date people as old as you.”
13. “I’m thinking of growing a mullet.”
14. “I am an idiot. Seriously. I am an idiot.”
15. “I’m allergic to sugar and salt and water gives me gas.”
16. “So you’re paying for the meal, right? I get free food out of this, right? That’s the deal?”
17. “I own like ten cats.”
18. “Eating meat is so unethical. What do you think of my new fur coat?”
19. “Before we start, let me tell you about my kinks and fetishes.”
20. “I found a dead body once.”
21. “I used to be a woman.”
22. “Birth control is a sin.”
23. “Basically, I hate everyone.”
24. “Look, instead of going on a date, can we just cuddle?”
25. “I never stop working. Seriously.”
26. “I brought an engagement ring.”
27. “This blows. Want to grab a beer or twelve?”
28. “You will always be my number two. Maybe number three.”
29. “You look like you’ve had a brush with meth in the past too.”
30. “I’ll be honest. I’m only doing this to get revenge on my spouse.”

31. “Love is overrated.”

32. “What is your stance on anal?”

33. "I live with my mother."

34. "I'm self employed."

35. "We would make such HOT babies together."

36. "I've brought a contract. If you could just sign here. . ."

37. "Yes, I love your country! I marry you? Become citizen, yes?"

38. "I'm just doing this for a quick lay."

39. "I'm joining the military tomorrow."

40. "Have you ever thought about joining the peace corps?"

41. "I love God. I could never love someone who doesn't love God. He's the man in my life."

42. "Religious people are born stupid. Are you religious?"

43. "Tell me about your sexual organs. I'm really curious."

44. “I’m looking for a new dealer.”

45. “Can you hear them? Can you hear the microwaves that the aliens use to listen to our thoughts?”

46. “You would be sexy if you just lost like thirty pounds.”

47. “I love sex. I’m really into it! Don’t touch me.”

48. “I don’t care about you, let me tell you about me!”

49. “I like animals. I really like animals.”

50. “I’m preparing for the zombie apocalypse.”

51. “Thank God I’m out on parole right now. You’re hot!”

52. “I was Joan of Arc in a former life. Before that, I was Moses.”

53. “Hold on a second. I’ve got to take a big, hairy dump.”

54. “Are you really going to eat that? Gross.”

55. “I only listen to underground bands. If a band I like gets too popular, I start hating them.”

56. “Instead of going on a date, can you just take me home and make me a sandwich instead?”

57. “The world is evil. Everything in the world is evil.”

58. “You should just take your pants off. You’re going to later anyway.”

59. “I think our president is one of the four horsemen spoken of in revelations.”

60. “I’m a ninja. No really, I’m a ninja.”

61. “I may have an STD.”

62. “What is that smell? Oh. . . that’s you?”

63. “I’m totally tripping right now.”

64. “My mom thinks this is a good idea. She thinks I should get out more.”

65. “You’re cute. The last person I went out with looked just like you.”

66. “Here’s my website. Could you visit my sponsors?”

67. “Bathing is the main way that society controls us. I won’t be controlled.”

68. “I’m game for starting the whole ‘try making babies’ thing tonight if you are!”

69. “You wouldn’t believe where I got a tattoo yesterday. Let me pull down my pants and show you.”

70. “I’m really into whipping.”

71. “You wouldn’t believe the places I love to put ice.”

72. “Yeah, beer and NASCAR. That’s all I’m interested in. Sometimes football.”

73. “As of right now, you owe me an orgasm. I don’t care how you pay up, just know that the bill is on the table now.”

74. “Uh oh. I should have worn deodorant.”

75. “I’m looking for someone who can support me.”

76. “I don’t believe in sex.”

77. “I’m on the pure lard diet.”

78. “I hope I never have to see you naked.”

79. “I’m a vampire. I even sparkle.”

80. “I don’t usually date people of the opposite sex. This is an experiment.”

81. “I’m part of a sexual commune, so by dating me, you’re kind of interviewing to become a part of our love house.”

82. “I’m ugly. I really am. I’m totally unloveable. This is a pity date, isn’t it?”

83. “You wouldn’t believe what I can do with my feet.”

84. “I know this guy who would totally love to date you. He’s really cute. He’s also an amputee, which is a plus!”

85. “Satan foretold to me that this day would come, betrothed.”

86. “I’m really bad at relationships, like really bad. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is a waste of time.”

87. “I’m carrying a loaded gun.”

88. “I may have to cut this date short. I forgot to take my medication.”

89. “I think you might be too blue-collar for my family.”

90. “I think I may have slept with your boss.”

91. “I know my spouse will love you.”

92. “I know my parents will just hate you.”

93. “You look like just the kind of person I would enjoy beating the crap out of.”

94. “How long has it been since you’ve been laid? Looks like it’s been a while.”

95. “I’m really into making ‘films’ and I’m looking for a new ‘star.’ They’re very tasteful films. Very tasteful.”

96. “I can see the souls of our future children in your eyes.”

97. “I collect live beetles and scorpions.”

98. “It’s too bad that you’re so ignorant. I can fix that.”

99. “I’ve been watching you for a long time now.”

100. “If you weren’t so old, I think a relationship might actually be possible between us.”

101. “So I read this list online about 101 deal-breaking things not to say on a first date. . .”