New Year, New Hope, New Challenges
It’s 10:00 pm, December 31, 2013. I sit alone at my computer writing this article. My window is open and a cool breeze is wafting in, along with the endless barking of our neighbor’s dog, blaring car horns and random gunfire. It sounds like many people are welcoming the new year with gusto!
If you were to ask me, “How was 2013? Are you excited for a new beginning, a new year?” My answer would be, “Eh.”
2013 sucked. It really did. My beloved aunt died, my second mom died, my aunt’s sweet sister died and my loving friend died. Cancer killed them all and it’s trying to take my dad and my uncle.
I Am SOOOOO Tired
My mom is ringing in the new year with a severe infection. She’s been sick for weeks and is not showing improvement. Breathing treatments, medication, coughing and misery are all things she is facing as the clock lurches forward.
My shining light is my daughter who just turned 15 years old. She is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Her boyfriend is visiting this evening to welcome the new year with a closely supervised kiss. Just this minute I ruined their evening by mentioning how much it blows that he is moving away on January 17th.
And the BEST MOM EVER Award goes to … drum roll please … NOT ME! Now the sound of sniffing and tears joins the dog, the horns and the gunfire.
I’ve been in and out of the hospital this year. Back surgery, kidney stones, liver problems, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetic complications, you name it, my body is thinking about giving it a go. There is not one moment; not one second of this entire year that I have not been in pain. I am so sick of being sick.
I am also unquestionably, horribly, and uncontrollably ANGRY and I have no idea what to do about it.
For the last two days I have been trying to clean out my room. By “cleaning out my room” I mean find the floor I assume was here before we moved in. Two years ago, my mom, daughter and I moved back to Arizona after a 4 year adventure in Utah. We jammed two houses worth of “stuff” into our current 1,100 square foot home. During this time I was also going through a divorce after a 15 year marriage. I’m sure you can imagine the sheer amount of “things” I’m talking about. Tune into “Hoarders Central” and you get the idea - minus the droppings, bug issues and rotting food. Believe me, not a morsel of food goes uneaten around here.
During this “purge” I have run across new items, old items, items I cannot remember owning, items I thought were lost forever and items that make me seriously question my sanity. I have heard it said that the state of one’s home can reflect what a person is feeling inside. I believe it.
I must admit that I have had a ball setting boxes upon boxes of goodies by the curb sporting the sign, “FREE to a Good Home!” I feel so much joy sharing with my neighbors. It’s like secret Santa - Freestyle Express or something! Woo!
I cannot count the number of times I have fallen back on the saying, “The only constant in life is change.” It’s true. Change is inevitable. Some of it is good, some of it is bad and some of it makes absolutely no sense. I do not know whether it will all come together one day and I will understand why my loved ones died when they did, why I am so sick, why people suffer and face tragedy after tragedy. I stopped asking myself that question quite some time ago.
Even if I knew the purpose of my struggles, it would not necessarily change a thing. So - I carry on and just do the best that I can.
I guess that is all any of us can do - just do the best that we can. I have spent this year tripping, slipping, skipping and falling through each and every day. Some days are brighter and filled with more clarity than others. Some days are so darned foggy we might as well climb back in bed, pull the covers over our head and await the return of the sun. Then there are the days that it just pours. These are the days that we succumb to the rain. It falls around us and on us; soaking our clothing and chilling us to the bone. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, it lets up a bit and thin slivers of light warm us just enough to propel us outside to dance, to sing, to luxuriate in the rain. This doesn’t happen often, but when it does - my goodness - when it does, I feel blessed and thankful that I’ve been given the opportunity to live in our world.
2014 - Whether We Like It Or Not
As 2013 comes to a close, I ask myself, “Are you going to sit around and feel sorry for yourself or are you going to look forward to the possibilities, the hope, the triumph and the wonderful things that may await in 2014?”
I answer a resounding, “YES!!!”
© 2013 delaneyworld