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4 Steps To Express Your Feelings and Emotions in Intimate Relationship

Updated on May 2, 2020
Lauren Richards profile image

I help couples in troubled relationships to fix their relationships and get on the road to a new life together.

Has your spouse ever come to you and said those dreaded words? "Hey honey, how are you feeling?" and in your mind you are thinking to yourself Feelings? What feelings? I don't have any feelings and then you say something to shut them up like: "I don't know, fine? I am okay, I guess?" which leaves them with a frustrated look on their face and you know that things aren't really going to go well after this.

Well, if you can relate, then you are in luck because in this article, I am going to teach you a simple 4-step process on how to get in touch with your feelings, emotions and communicate them with your spouse, which will shut them up and satisfy them. Ready? One of the things I have noticed in my interaction over the years is this: usually in a relationship, one person in the relationship is really in touch with their feelings and the other person has no idea that they even have feelings.

This often causes emotional intimacy problems and emotional intimacy is the foundation for sexual intimacy. So, often, when a couple is having emotional intimacy problems, their intimate life is the first thing to suffer. Consider this for a second: What is the difference between your relationship with your lover and a relationship with let's say one of your friends?

Well, hopefully your answer is that your relationship with your lover is a relationship where you share intimacy: both emotional and sexual, because if you don't, you probably feel more like buddies than you do like lovers. That is why your partner keeps asking you, "How are you feeling honey?" because they are interested in knowing what is going on inside of you.

They are interested in feeling emotionally connected with you, because when you share your feelings with each other, you create emotional intimacy and emotional bond between the two of you. But in order to be able to clearly communicate your feelings to your partner, you need to actually know what you are feeling at that moment.

The result of a research study on Emotional Intelligence indicate about thirty six percent of the population actually know their feeling at any particular time. So, if you are somebody who struggles with this, don't worry, you are not alone. Your ability to identify your emotions is referred to as emotional intelligence and there are six primary emotions that is important to know how to name. All the other emotions fall somewhere under the category of these six primary emotions and they are: love, joy, surprise, anger, sadness and fear. Now we all know how to identify love, joy and surprise.

Those are happy emotions, they are easy and most of us enjoy feeling them. But some of us aren't so good at identifying anger, sadness and fear or getting in touch with those emotions in our body because often, those emotions are the very emotions that have been shamed or they are emotions that have caused us pain in the past and we don't want to feel them and therefore we push them down and stop expressing them.

Here is the 4 step process to help you get in touch with, identify and communicate your emotions with your partner:

Have You Ever Feel Disconnected From Your Partner?

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Step 1 - This is to identify the emotional sensations somewhere in your body because each emotion has a unique emotional signature that usually shows up somewhere between your head and your belly. So, anger for example, shows up somewhere between your belly button and your face and you might find out that your face gets hot and flushes, or you feel some tension somewhere in your chest or your throat gets hot.

That is what anger is and anger wants to express itself outwards, which is why when you are angry, you often want to yell or you want to fight and the blood from your body moves into your fist to fight when you are angry.

When you are afraid, that shows up usually between your belly and your throat, right? That is fear, and fear makes you want to run away. And then sadness usually shows up between your chest and your throat, in your heart area and makes you want to contract. That is why when you see people who are sad, they are often with the shoulders hunched over. So, the first thing is to get in touch with what you are feeling in your body.

Step 2 – This is to put a name to that feeling so as to identify the actual feeling. So, is it anger? Is it sadness? Or is it fear?

Step 3 – This is to share the sensation and the emotion with your partner. So, you may say something to them like "Honey, I notice I am feeling like anxiety or tension in my belly and it feels like fear." See how that works? Really simple, and when you do that, your partners knows exactly what is going on with you. You then might want to refine the feeling and say: "You know what? If I feel into it more, the fear feels like anxiety, right? Now, you are really holding it down to a secondary emotion where fear might be the primary emotion, and anxiety might be the secondary emotion.

Step 4 -This is a super ninja move. This is really a more advanced move. A really vulnerable move and often a very scary move for some people. But it's going to connect you and your partner together like super glue, it works like magic.

What you are going to do is that you are going to ask your partner to give you what you most need in that moment, to sooth that emotion. So, if you are feeling fear in your belly, maybe what you want in the moment is to be held by your partner so that your partner can hug you and reassure you that everything is okay.

If you are feeling anger, maybe what you want is for your partner to let you vent for a moment or if you are feeling sad, maybe what you want is to cry on your partner's shoulder, but for most of us, it's often difficult to ask our partner for these things, because it's so vulnerable and opens us up to potentially being attacked or having that vulnerability used against us.

Are You Still Emotional Attached To Your Partner

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I am going ask you to trust your partner. Trust that they are not going to take advantage of your vulnerability because they love you and take a deep breath and risk asking your partner to give you what you need. So, you may say something in the moment like "Honey, I am feeling fear in my belly and what I want more than anything is for you to just give me a hug and not to let go until I tell you" and then your partner can come forward and just give you a hug and sooth you.

You see how vulnerable that is? You see how powerful that might be to connect the two of you together? It also helps your partner feel like they are winning because they are like "Oh finally! Now, I can do something to support my partner and my partner is opening up to me" and they are going to honor that and respect that because they know what courage it takes for you to open up.

So, you have them, the four steps to getting in touch with emotions and share it with your partner. Go try it out this evening, particularly, if your relationship is in trouble or if you feel like the passion is gone or the spark between you has disappeared over the years.

Go try this tonight and let me know how it goes. What it's going to do is that, it is going to build up the emotional connection between you and your partner and create a new way of relating you may not have felt in a long time. Try it and let me know.

Thank you for reading and for your attention, and thank you for being the kind of person that is interested in growing your relationship. It really does make you extraordinary. So, go try this tonight, open your heart with your partner and share your vulnerability with them and love fully.

How To Build Emotional Intimacy In A Relationship

© 2020 Lauren Richards


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