- Gender and Relationships
5 WORST FIRST DATE IDEAS!
You have surely read the TOP 5 Great and Creative First Date Ideas previously posted, and that got you well on your way to a relationship! But let us cover all our bases to ensure for a most romantic first date! So as a precaution, I've included the top 5 WORST first date Ideas written below. These first date ideas should be a no-brainer; however, due to the fact that I am actually writing this article, it is indeed a fact that many readers have fallen victim to these despicable first date ideas. My audience is a very smart and educated audience so I do not fret that you have fallen victim to these dating blunders and so to you I say, enjoy the read! And then perhaps pass this list onto your friends- the ones that we both know truly needs this advice!
In no particular order the Top 5 WORST First Date Ideas:
1. The Ex Girlfriend's House. I get it. You want to show off your new date to your ex girlfriend in a feeble attempt to: a) make your ex jealous, and perhaps, b) win back her affection. Not expounding on either a, or b, let us examine why this is such a worst first date idea. Your date will not feel comfortable meeting your ex at any point in your relationship, let alone the very first date. So I would imagine (yes I have to imagine this for I have never [thankfully] made this dating mistake) your first date blunder would go something like this:
You pick up your date and you both are very excited! She has dressed up and is looking forward to what the evening may turnabout. She has already expressed interest in all that you do and so far in her eyes you are the "one" exception t the rule that "all men are pigs". She has already told her friends how awesome you are and she is hoping that you look as good in person as you do in your photoshopped pictures (yes we all know you photoshop your pictures). And although her friends have vehemently already professed that "there MUST be something" wrong with him, she can find no wrong! You, kind Sir, have played all your cards correctly and have advantage, break point. (In Tennis that means you have the upper hand).
But, let us be honest, you too are very excited about this date and while you secretly mourn for the loss of your ex girlfriend who dumped you not too long ago, you are moving along quite nicely and this new potential girlfriend is 'way hotter' than your ex girlfriend! (At least, according to her photoshopped pictures- yes ladies, we know you all photoshop your pictures). So, as she gets in the car your both quite excited and both realize rather quickly that neither of you are very good at photoshop. Fault. (That is another Tennis term meaning roughly, “DOUGH!) She cordially asks you, "So! Where are we going?!", to which you smartly answer, "It's a surprise!" . Your date gets giddy with apprehension and decides not to press the issue and patiently await the surprise place you have ever so cleverly pre-planned. Little does she know, unfortunately, that you Sir, have not read this article and are therefore about to take her on one of the 5 worst first dates -ever! So after a bit of banter and casual chit chat, you arrive at a small apartment, condo, house etc. to which your date- now a little startled asks, "Where are we?". Being the gent you are, you decide to let the cat out of the bag, "At my ex-girlfriend's house!!" You say it with such enthusiasm! "Are you serious?", she exclaims. You then open the door and proceed to get out and walk to her side and open the door for her, "seriously I want you to meet her". Your date now has 20 red flags going off in her head along with sordid visions of you turning out to be an axe murderer. She is quickly scrambling to remember if she told her friends where she was going and then realizes she didn't because she didn't even know! She grabs her phone and places her fingers strategically on what she believes is the number 9 key and the number 1 key for fast dialing. Even amidst every ounce of her intuition screaming at her 'not to get out of the car', she doesn't want to be 'rude' and decides to play along reasoning that 'this must be a joke'.
I would imagine the rest of the date might take a downward spiral. The two of you get to the door, and you ring the doorbell. *Ding-Dong chimes and your date chuckles a little thinking of it as a prophetically accurate chime. You push again- you know- to drive the nail into the coffin. And a moment later the door swings open.
And then it happens.
You realize all too late, "OH [explicative]!! -my ex GF has a new BF! (And [explicative] he is a good looking dude that I'm pretty sure can kick my [explicative]!). In the midst of your being "pwned" by the appearance of your ex girlfriend's new bf, he interrupts your thoughts and belches in what appears to be a most wonderful accent reminiscent of Anthony Hopkins (damn it!): "Yes?- who are you?" Your reaction, of course is just natural, "I'm [insert your name]. Is [insert your ex girl friend’s name] here?" And before you could finish asking, she -looking as ravishing as ever and scantily dressed, pops up next to her new beau and says, "what are you doing here?!" - Now let us pause for a moment and realize the more important issue at hand- YOUR date is just standing there. Probably in the rain because this first date TRULY is the worst first date in dating history. So she is soaking wet, watching some gruesome altercation between you and some guy that looks like Thor from the movies -let's face it that is guy is smok'n hot. So now, your date is no longer thinking of you, and is just hoping that the Thor at the door takes his shirt off and winks at her and since this is the worst first date ever- that is exactly what he does. Your date walks in, and the door slams in your face and there you are- soaking wet and alone. Bad first date.
2. Funeral. I just cannot comprehend how taking your first date to a funeral is good at all. We all remember the iconic movie where it seemed to be alright to meet a woman at a funeral (and quite funny), but let's face it- that was just a movie. (Right?). So let us play out what would really happen if you decided to make a first date blunder and take your date to a funeral. Chances are if you’re the imbecile taking your date to a funeral then the deceased is someone you know, or are related to, which means it will be your family at the funeral. So your date gets in the car wearing her cute little pink and faded mini skirt and a cute little retro designed blouse that she and her BFF picked out at the mall the day before. She has her hair up and her heels are just the right height to put her ample (flaunt it if you got it) cleavage out there for the entire world to admire. Immediately she asks, "Where are we going", and while she asks this, she is a little concerned because has noticed that you are wearing what appears to be a suit! You quickly change the subject because it's too sad to think about where you are going. Wedding Crashers
And then it happens.
Your date encourages you to take a turn because you have just "accidentally" got in the middle of a funeral procession driving down the street. To her horror, you flick on the lights and exclaim that your great Aunt just died and today is her funeral and you didn't want to break your date so you decided to bring her along! In your mind, you surmise that your date will want to comfort your grieving soul- but that could not be further from the truth. In fact all your date is really thinking is "Ok there must be a TV camera and I'm on 'What would you do'!” So out of fear of looking like an uncompassionate date, she decides to humor the "cameras" and asks, "Is this a joke?- are you serious?" (see the pattern here with the 'are you serious' question?)
You remind your date of all the great things your great Aunt did for you when you were a kid and proceed to tear up a little bit. You're thinking this date is going great and she must be falling in love with this great, well dressed, sensitive man! You're dead wrong- no pun intended. She is actually thinking, "OMG! OMG! OMG!" She knows she cannot jump out of the car in the middle of the procession and she knows there is now way she can show up to a funeral in a mini skirt and bright blue cleavage showing top! She adjusts her puppies a little and decides she will just stay in the car and wait it out. The cars stop and you and your date are at the funeral and you get out of the car and walk to her side and open the door. She doesn't move and instead calls her BFF (‘best-friend-forever’) and asks her BFF to come get her. Through your tears you ask her to come support you at your Great Aunt's funeral to which she replies candidly, "Dude, I don't even KNOW you!" Your tears swell up and fall just as candidly as she goes on talking to her BFF giving her BFF directions to where you parked.
Your date is jabbering away to her BFF (how dare she right?!) as one of your relatives come up and drapes her arms around your shoulders and turns her nose up at your date -if for no other reason because of how she chose to dress at a funeral. As you walk off with your relative you notice behind you that your date is getting in the car with some guy - which happens, oh by the way, to be Thor. You tears get a little more salty.
3. Church. It's your first date and you have decided to take your date to your church. Sometimes, this date isn’t so bad, but you Sir, attend a church where everyone gets barely naked and the preacher goes around smacking people in the head "healing" them.
I would imagine that in your mind you are thinking of how great it will be that your date sees a religious aspect of you and what you so feverishly believe in. And while I certainly respect everyone's right to believe in what they wish, I would consider this to be a worst first date idea because chances are, your date doesn't believe in that same distant planet you think harbors little green sea horses that will one day come to destroy this planet because we all eat fish and they -the Sea-Horse Gods don't like that. So, let's take a stroll. You pick your date up and she eagerly jumps in your car and notices that your are dressed very nicely! She is pleasantly surprised and hopes the evening will be dinner and something that will allow each of you to get to know one another as the evening progresses! You stir up some conversation and sprinkle in a little laughter and everything seems to be going smoothly!
Then she asks where you are taking her and you respond, "Somewhere I love to be, that always gives me peace". "Wow!”, she thinks and then considers it to be a beach, or a private lookout... how romantic of a guy you must be! As you pull up to a building she reads the sign aloud and asks, "Um... are we going in there?”. Very enthusiastically you reply, "Yes! This is my church: 'The Church of the High Sea Horse In Latter Day Aquatic Realms' [aka CHSHLDAR Church for short] a nd,’ you continue, ‘Church is about to start so come on!" A little baffled she asks, "Are you serious?!"
You pull her out of the car, run into the church and direct her to go into a little room where there is a purple rag (?) for her to put on (?). After realizing that in her haste she left her phone in the car, she pops her head out of the makeshift dressing room holding up the rag and asks, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
And then it happens.
Because CHSHLDAR Church doesn't believe in clothing (what Sea horse needs clothing?!) you walk out as naked as a jay bird with all your (un)impressive qualities and manhood for the world and your date to witness. Your date, shocked, and in despair turns bright red, closes the curtain, gathers her thoughts- chuckles a little- and then starts to speak, only to be interrupted by your fumbling words- "Since your new you can use the rag to stay covered up if you want!" Your date scoffs, pushes you out of the make shift dressing room and starts to run out of the building. As she turns to yell at you once more for a most uncomfortable first date ever, she runs directly into a fully clothed: Thor, and together they exit the building hand in hand leaving you there, er, um... hanging.
4. Comic Con. Now I know I will catch some heat out there from some readers when they read Comic Con made my list of 5 worst first date ideas, but it is specifically they who need to read this. Besides the obvious, that you are actually (seriously??) taking your date to a convention that harbors people whom happen to know the difference between Superman’s stitching in 1972 and Superman’s stitching in 1999, you are dressed like an overweight and out of shape, dunt to da dun: ‘Robin’ (why couldn't you at least choose to be Batman?!), I'll elaborate as to why this made my list using bullets:
·Your date isn't dressed as a comic book hero
·Your date has never read a comic book
·Your date doesn't know what the 5th Star of Galaxis is, or who reigns supreme there
·Your date doesn't want to see you in spandex
·Your date doesn't know you still live with your mom
·Your date is bound to run into Thor
5. The Beach. Specifically, the nude beach. It should go without saying that taking your first date to a nude beach will be quite awkward and unsettling even to the girl that is most comfortable with being and seeing nudity. Especially as a first date- that is just way too much information. All that skin goes right up there with telling her about the first time you got caught pleasuring yourself in the woods next to the Oak with the small chipmunks (poor little guys).
Again, too much information for a first date. Save that type of information for, maybe- never. Going to a nude beach on a first date invites a throng (I almost said ‘thong’) of bad case scenarios, but here is one example. Your date hops in the car and wonders where you are headed. After she asks and you dodge the question time and time again she gets a little uncomfortable. You, sensing her uneasy feeling with your make believe Spidey sense, tell her your heading to the beach! Awe! A romantic walk on the beach or a picnic even! She is excited and loves the beach! Only she doesn't recognize the route you are taking so she inquires, "which beach?!" You explain that it is a private beach and you can't wait for her to see it and all its’ grandeur - then you smirk because you purposely chose the word, 'grandeur'. After a little drive you both arrive at the parking area of the beach and get out and grab the towels and blanket you had prepared. She is still excited to see how the day will turn out and grabs your arm and walks with you toward the sandy canvas. She can hear the ocean's roar and the seagulls singing in the distant. How romantic!
And then it happens.
As you both get near, she notices an overly large man that appears to be wearing a thong! She points him out and exclaims, "Look at that guy wearing a thong!" You laugh a little and then point out that he is actually naked and that this is a nude beach! You throw down the towels and the blanket and shed your clothes in a flash while your date is standing there in amazement (not by you per say, but because she just noticed that everyone is indeed, nude). She raises her voice loud enough for the seagulls to take notice, "Are you serious?!", to which you confidently reply, "YES! Come on! It will be a first date you will always remember and after a while it's no big deal!!"
And then it happens (again).
She, being a "new-age hippie", shrugs her shoulders and says to herself, "why the hell not?!" She removes all her clothes and feels freeeeee!!! The date seems to be going ok, and your thinking "See! That author had no idea what he was talking about! This is a GREAT first date idea!!" - Not too fast there Tiger, let's see what happens next.
So as the two of you scamper off toward the water with all parts of your human anatomy getting a little sun burnt, you pass the first group of people that see you in all your 'grandeur'. Your date chuckles a little bit and is then overwhelmed by a feeling of exhibitionism and asks you to walk with her along the beach. You gladly accept.
But then, guess who walks up?!
So there you are completely naked, your date completely naked and in shock. She is just standing there speechless and has forgotten all about you when this huge mammoth of a man that seems to have an anaconda attached to his hips is staring eye to eye at your date. You cannot believe this guy! The nerve! He is just standing right in front of her!! But then the silence is broken when your date speaks up and says, "Dad?!"
There you have it my good and faithful audience! The 5 Worst First Date Ideas EVER! Do not attempt these dates, but please do recommend them to anyone that might actually act them out because that after all that would make for a great story! Now that you have read the 5 WORST First Date Ideas EVER, please be sure to jump over and read the 5 BEST First Date Ideas and as always check back soon as I illustrate another Top 5 list!
-© Robert Hutchinson
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