This is a question asked by millions of people. Celebrities use wedding as a fashion statement nowadays, only to become a fad when the glamour of it dies away. How did our elders make it last?
"Well, we were born in a time where if something was broken, we'd fix it, not throw it away." So true.....
Dr. Gary Chapman is author of bestselling 5 Love Languages series. He has translated this book into 49 languages. Millions of couples have seen their marriages transformed through learning to speak the five love languages. If you haven't yet read it....now is the time. Even if your relationship is perfect, or you aren't yet married.....this certainly is a highly recommended books, and I've seen it work wonders into the lives of other couples.
"How do we meet another's deep emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated" - Dr. Gary Chapman.
FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION - The first of the five love languages. "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Mark Twain. And he's so right.
"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." - Solomon.
We need to use words that build each other up....Men desire respect, Women desire love. Not that we don't need both, but this is just the way it seems to work out. If you are constantly complaining about what he doesn't do, and never praising him for what he does do...... you may find it doesn't work out to your advantage. Vice versa. If you don't show her the love she desires, she may not reciprocate what you need. Not that the feelings aren't there, it's just a give and take thing. "The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity, may await your encouraging words."
In fact isn't that how a relationship starts? By words of affirmation? If you just had a fight the night before, perhaps it's best to leave it and move on. Many relationships crash and burn due to the fact that they keep replaying the past. Approach each day brand new. As Dr. Phil would say, "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy"? Is it really that detrimental to your relationship that one has to be right and one has to be wrong? Battling in this respect basically means you are putting the other under you......fighting to the death of the other person. This isn't really what you want in the end..... Time to build one another up.
QUALITY TIME - Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention. “Focused attention.” Not sitting on the couch and watch tv, but rather looking at each other and talking. “Have you ever noticed in a restaurant, you can always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at eachother and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!” - excerpt from, The Five Love Languages.
It doesn’t mean you have to be gazing into one another’s eyes the entire time; however, you do need to be doing an activity that not only creates close proximity, but that creates a sense of togetherness. Perhaps even exercising together. As the saying goes, a couple that works out together, stays together. This may even open the door for more communication, sharing thoughts, feelings and dreams. Giving way to goals you can work toward together.
RECEIVING GIFTS - Gifts are a symbol of “thought” a symbol of “love.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going out and spending money on things. Sometimes “being there” is a gift. Dedicating time to something your spouse cares about, like going to a baseball game with him, or going to a ballet with her. Or just being there for that person, regardless the task. There are many ways to give gifts. In a wedding ceremony there is the exchanging of rings, a symbol of giving of yourself.
ACTS OF SERVICE - Doing things to please your loved one, to make their life easier, makes them feel loved. Doing the dishes without being asked, running an errand when someone is too busy to do it…..changing a diaper, walking the dog, trimming shrubs. This is an endless list…..also shows you are thinking of your significant other, and want to please them. An act of Love.
“Be careful when you demand an action from your spouse. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
“What we do for each other before marriage, is no indication of what we will do for each other after marriage.”
“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
These quotes are very true and come straight from the book. To read more about this I would highly recommend purchasing the book, it’s a great read and has helped many couples I know.
PHYSICAL TOUCH - This is a huge topic, and one of the most focused on in relationships. While most would think that a man is the only one that cares about this love language, or that it is his only love language is completely wrong, and it doesn’t only involve sex. From the time we are babies we need physical touch to survive; It’s a way of emotional communication and much as a physical need.
For some this is a primary love language, and without it their love tanks will be empty. Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways to communicate emotional love. Physical touch can also communicate hate or love.
“Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you, will also bring pleasure to her” Interesting thought. Sometimes we can go for weeks without touching…..and it will never cross your mind. But for the one that has physical touch as their primary love language, it’s something you have to learn to act upon. Our bodies after all were meant to bring pleasure, and to communicate love. All of our senses work together to do this. Our bodies are designed to send signals and messages to our brain. People respond differently to touch. Some even see it as a threat…..perhaps their primary language isn’t touch.
These Five Languages we all speak, who knew Love had it’s own language? But we all have a primary language. Learning it is key. Toward the end of the book there is a quiz you can take to find out exactly what yours is, if you do not know. A quiz for both parties. Read it together, and take a step toward fulfilling each others needs and having long lasting satisfying love.
The Book Five Love Languages
LOVE IS A CHOICE
The first chapters states, that love is a choice. "People learn to hate, they can learn to love." Nelson Mandela.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son...." He made a choice. Regardless of the circumstances we were in, or how we behaved. Love therefore is unconditional. If love has conditions put on it, and expectation, we certainly would never have it. Only lust.
We need love before we fall in love. Love keeps us alive, it's what created us in the first place. It's high on the hierarchy of needs from the time we are little babies. Love permeates human society.
We always begin with the Euphoria of being IN LOVE. It becomes something of an obsession. It temporarily meets that need to fill our love tanks....but quickly dies off after we realize that to love is a choice, and requires something from us to keep it going. Then reality comes..... our need to become mother teresa to give anything to make our lover happy, dies down to realizing that we are both different people, (were two people every really the same?) and that's where you find out if you have what it takes. For better or worse. From wining and dining to hairs in the sink and the not always glamourous side of life.